Looking for a Flashlight on the Dark Side of the Moon

Looking for a Flashlight on the Dark Side of the Moon:
Uranus Finally Meets Mars

You may have thought you saw a rather bright meteor shower over the skies of North America on January 16^th, 2002 around 8:20 p.m. EST. Actually, as it turns out, that wasn't a meteor shower at all: it's just that John Gray and I finally met.

Thanks to the Free Library of Philadelphia, I finally got to see Gray give a lecture. The occasion was the Mars and Venus in the Workplace book tour. The evening included a free one-hour lecture (attended by anywhere from 75-125 people) and was followed by a book signing.

After making sure that his microphone was on, Gray said that even after "thirty years as a teacher, expert, and counselor," Mars and Venus in the Workplace had been the hardest book he had ever written. According to the Gender Guru, he had been approached by corporations "for years" about writing a book for workplace communication. He even admitted having difficulty approaching the subject because "I really don't know," he said. "I avoid the workplace." (Hell, I could've told the audience that.)

Gray's demeanor on stage was relaxed and approachable. He made use of many personal anecdotes and liked to see people laugh at his jokes. And as he rode along the route of his speech he made many a detour—to the point of rambling. Gray also frequently punctuated his presentation with gender-based observational humor that further gave away his predilection for gender pigeonholes.

Gray was very adamant about two things with regard to his work: first, he admitted that when he writes, he focuses on "issues [that are] easy to solve." And, second, "I don't write about dysfunctional people." (Please know that this is a direct quote.) And with that as a springboard, Gray dived into his material for the evening. It won't surprise you that this latest foray into Gender Hell is the same material used for the first blockbuster book. Only this time the words "husband" and "wife" are replaced with "coworker" "colleague." The same gender rules apply in the workplace as do the home.

For instance, you don't offer men unsolicited advice. Women are "hungry to see men move boxes," so men were advised to lift boxes if they wanted to score points with their female coworkers. And if you really want to score big with a female colleague, men should occasionally say, "I don't know. I'll get back to you." This is because saying you don't know all builds trust with a woman. And those call backs? Women are "hungry" for them.

So has Gray added anything new to spruce up a tired routine? Well, he's got a couple of cards that have fallen out of his sleeve. And let me tell you, if it wasn't for the good "doctor" telling the audience, quite proudly, that "I am my main researcher," I might've actually been swindled . . . I mean . . . convinced.

For one thing, we're told that "hard core feminist interviewers love this book." Why? Because research has shown that as men age, their testosterone levels decrease, whereas women's testosterone levels increase. And as far as women are concerned, he's got the age down pat when this happens to women: 37. Yup, thirty-seven. Seems that when women come up to him at these lectures and tell him that they want sex all the time and their partners don't, upon his asking they all reveal that they're thirty-seven. (I was waiting for the connection to be made between this hormonal revelation and the die-hard feminists, but it never came.)

Now when these testosterone levels move away from each other, what we witness is men becoming more empathetic and women becoming a little more aggressive. Gray likens it to the violin and rock band. Violins are women. Rock bands are men.

You see, throughout life, men are always loud, raging rock bands. The gentle violins can't be heard for the rumbling aggression of the band. But when the testosterone levels shift, well, the violins reach a crescendo and the rock band turns down the volume. In this way both men and women can hear one another. (That'll win over those hard-core feminists!)

To hear one another you have to talk, right? Right! Well, Gray perpetuates my all-time favorite gender lesson here when he seized upon a new metaphor to explain the way in which women and men communicate their problems to one another. To do this he needed a prop and he went to the audience. Now first he came to me and asked if he could see what he thought was a Daytimer that I was holding. (Turns out it was my copy of Mars/Venus—you know, the one with all of the vulgar expletives written in the margins? That would've been sweet, but I didn't want to get busted from the front row before I even met the guy!) Well, a woman who had brought her entire John Gray library to be signed came to the rescue and offered him her purse.

Gray took the purse and asked if he could unzip it and look inside. She gave her permission and Gray was quick to point out that when you want something like this from a woman you always ask permission first. That shows respect!

So he proceeded to illustrate the way a woman talks: First she pulls out some tissues. Then a glass case. Then another small object. His point was this: a woman will not really know what it is she's talking about, so she has to pull out a lot of erroneous material while she's searching for what's really bugging her. Even though he pulled out some stuff, when he lifted up the bag it was still really heavy. That shows you that even though he pulled out a few things (i.e., "issues") she still had a lot of baggage in there that had to come out. And what's with all of the containers in this big purse? Well, containers are illustrative of the fact that women like to "protect" and "explore." This is the heart of the Venusian nature.

Men? They're easy, man. Men are wallets. Simple and compact, men get right to the point. Open up the wallet and there's the stuff. You reach in there and pull it right out! No wading through stuff that doesn't matter. Men just get right to the point.

Gray—in a rambling lecture quite characteristic of his Venusian communication model—digressed a bit to talk about his wife Bonnie. Digging deeper into the purse Gray asked if he could open the owner's rather sizeable wallet. "Oh my," he said, "you have a lot of credit cards!" With that we were told that women like relationships, that's why they collect credit cards. (That and the fact that "women like shiny things.") Bonnie has a lot of credit cards. Even though Gray says he only uses his VISA and American Express for business purposes. And women love change. Bonnie loves change too. Women like shiny things and they love to hear change jiggling in their purses.

Great. Not only do I, as a woman, ramble, speak with no logical connection, and my testosterone level is going to surge when I'm 37. Now I'm a cat batting at shiny balls on the Christmas tree with a bell around my neck.

Another new thing Gray uses a lot are references to evolutionary psychology. He must be subscribing to Psychology Today. For instance, men and women have some sort of physiological differences in their eyes that set them apart from men. The eyes of men are able to pick up quick, rapid movements in small objects that are far away. Women, on the other hand, have eyes that enable them to use more of their peripheral vision. These physiological differences explain why men (hunters) like to watch television (small objects running on the screen at a distance) and women (gatherers) are able to multi-task without a second thought.

All right! Stop the snickering out there. This is real research, man! We're talking real physiological differences dammit!

The Q&A was quite reserved. One woman expressed concern about this communication model if you have superiors and coworkers that come from different countries. Gray said that his teachings are amazing because they cut through the cultural differences. It doesn't matter where in the world you use them because they work everywhere—even between people who have different cultural backgrounds. This is because men and women have different natures. Another woman asked him a rather curious question about the Enron scandal and the role of the woman who, in a memo, blew the whistle on questionable accounting practices. Gray said that he hadn't heard about that so he really couldn't comment. But identifying the woman as a whistle-blower, Gray digressed into a rant about energy policy and the support of the military-industrial complex (of both he was critical). I don't know what one had to do with the other, but I hope the man isn't running for Congress with his next book. I can see it now: Mars and Venus on Capitol Hill.

Directly after the lecture I headed upstairs for the book signing. The line wasn't all that long. I was fourth and very excited. After all, I sort of felt like Batman meeting the Joker!

Well, I handed the good "doctor" my book, which, despite its worn appearance and glossary of foul language noted throughout, had a nice clean title page. And he signed it for me. I asked if he would personalize it for me, but he declined because he didn't want to hold up the line. But he very graciously said that he would do it if I wanted to wait until everyone had gone through the line. (I thought that was very nice, actually, and I'm not being sarcastic about that.) But I declined and said that I had to get going, but I did want to leave him my business card, which I placed very deliberately on the table in front of him.

He looked at it rather intently, half-puzzled. I then said, "Thank you" and proceeded to walk away from the table. I must have been five feet or more away when he yelled, "Hey, wait! You're that lady!" With a smile I turned and saw him waving me back toward him. "Come back," he said. We shook hands, said hello, and Gray said to me, "This was a tremendous first step in your coming here tonight." Smiling I replied, "Hey, man, it's free. I wasn't going to pay to see you." Gray titled his head and uttered an uncomfortable snicker and then continued. "You know, people are always asking me, 'Why does she do it?', 'Why does she do this?' So I have to ask you, why do you do it?"

I paused, shrugged my shoulders, and answered, "Questionable research. Funny degrees. An empire built on what I consider a foundation of fraud." Gray got serious and told me that I should update my web site. "If you look at my web site," he told me, "you will see that I am a certified family therapist, I am board certified, and I am a member of a number of professional organizations."

"Funny you should bring that up, "said I. "I've been doing some research on those affiliations and I will be updating my web site in due course."

Nice to know he's checking out The Rebuttal every now and then. Now I know how thorn bushes must feel when they deftly let go a protective thorn into the side of their unwitting victim.

Yeah, I like being a thorn in the side of John Gray.

Counting since January 27,2002

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