You Might Be A Racer...

• You think the primary purpose of wings is to prevent flight.
• You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.
• You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.
• When something falls off of your car you wonder how much weight you just saved.
• Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
• You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
• You bought a race car before buying a house.
• You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
• You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture.
• The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.
• You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
• You have enough spare parts to build another car.
• More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
• You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"
• People know you by your class, car number, and car color.
• You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
• Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.
• A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
• You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.
• You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.
• You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.
• You save broken car parts as "mementos".
• You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
• You have an immaculate car which you drive one day a week, and the vehicle that gets you around the other 6 days is rusted, covered with duct tape, and has a pair of Vise Grips holding the clutch cable together. You promise yourself you'll fix it right after this season, or when you need your Vise Grips for something else.
• Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.
• You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
• After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why, is there a race there?"
• You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.
• You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.
• You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.
• You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.
• You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.
• You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.
• You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.
• Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.
• You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.
• You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.

• You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

• You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of slicks

• You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

• You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

• Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

• If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.

• Your Christmas list begins with a set of Hoosier 14x32x15 and Lunati pistons (and your 'significant other' knows what these are).

• After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

• You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

• Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.

• Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.

• Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.

• Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.

• Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".

• You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

• You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.

• Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.

• You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.

• You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.

• You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."

• You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.

• You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.

• You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.

• The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of.

• The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.

• Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.

• You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.

• You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.

• White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.

• You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter"

• Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.

• When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"

• When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Roy Hill".

• You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.

• You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.

• You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.

• You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.

• You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.

• You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.


YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ... (I've added new local ones that were emailed to me at the top of the list. If you have any good ones, let me know!) • X • Your SO knows what 'bite' means, knows it's unrelated to other more private activities, and can accurately rate your bite for each pass. • You know what 'sometime' Summit means. • You know which track specializes in creamed chicken and pack your cooler instead. • You know what Crane offers for contingency, but forget what your monthly Visa payment is. • You begin monitoring the weather channel on Monday for next weekend's weather. • You're registered for wedding gifts at Jegs and Summit. • You have a full size practice Christmas tree in your living room year round and your neighbors now know that the flashing lights in your windows aren't alien invaders. • The Ghost of Drag Strip Hollow, Bikini Beach, Hot Rod Girl, Funny Car Summer, Two Lane Blacktop, Dragstrip Girl and Heart Like a Wheel are all on your video shelf, but Grand Theft Auto isn't. • You think the primary purpose of wings is to prevent flight. • You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars. • You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing. • When something falls off of your car you wonder how much weight you just saved. • Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you. • You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining. • You bought a race car before buying a house. • You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house. • You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture. • The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance): 1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop. 2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel. 3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder. 4) A grease pit. 5) Deaf neighbors. 6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home. • You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop. • You have enough spare parts to build another car. • More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call. • You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!" • People know you by your class, car number, and car color. • You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so. • Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you. • A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn." • You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work. • You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better. • You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon. • You save broken car parts as "mementos". • You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol). • You have an immaculate car which you drive one day a week, and the vehicle that gets you around the other 6 days is rusted, covered with duct tape, and has a pair of Vise Grips holding the clutch cable together. You promise yourself you'll fix it right after this season, or when you need your Vise Grips for something else. • Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips. • You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles. • After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why, is there a race there?" • You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart. • You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop. • You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken. • You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number. • You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit. • You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it. • You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes. • Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out. • You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it. • You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation. • You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased. • You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of slicks • You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop. • You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment. • Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms. • If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends. • Your Christmas list begins with a set of Hoosier 14x32x15 and Lunati pistons (and your 'significant other' knows what these are). • After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?" • You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'. • Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds. • Your first date involves asking her to crew for you. • Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional. • Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit. • Your family remembers your hair color as "grease". • You plan your wedding around the race schedule. • You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number. • Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you. • You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop. • You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store. • You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One." • You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look. • You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track. • You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive. • The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of. • The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping. • Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips. • You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option. • You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out. • White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight. • You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter" • Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations. • When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook" • When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Roy Hill". • You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer. • You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them. • You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving. • You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day. • You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for. • You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.
Racer Jokes \| 1 \| 2 \| You Might Be A Racer...
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