Top Ten Signs of a SUV Poseur

10.Thinks off-roading is going up his driveway.

9. Pays $30,000+ for a station wagon on a 4x4 pickup truck frame.

8. Thinks "roughing it" is camping at a KOA campground.

7. Dreams he is nearing the peak of a remote mountain whenever he drives over a speed bump.

6. Has sudden urges to follow other SUVs that are driving off steep cliffs.

5. Has a cell-phone in his SUV.

4. Orders an SUV with leather interior (bonus points for white leather).

3. Drives his SUV to the MALL.

2. Shifts into four-wheel-drive whenever the potholes in the city get too big.

1. Tells his friends that he has been off-roading when in fact he just drove down a gravel road.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world !!!! "As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says ... "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.

3. Maintenance is extremely high.

4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.

5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.

6. The rear end wobbles too much.

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

8. The headlights are usually too small.

9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

How To Identify A Driver's Home

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California* *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

ACURA

Another Crummy,Useless,Rotten Automobile

Asia's Curse Upon Rural America

Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile

Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents

All Cars Usually Require Adjustment

Any Child Understands Real Automobiles

Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents

A Case of a Useless Requested Acronym?

Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead

AMC

All Makes Combined

A Major Cost

A Mutated Car

A Moron's Car

Another Major Catastrophe

Another Mess of Crap

AUDI

Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BEETLE

Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine

BMW

Babbling Mechanical Wench

Beastly Mechanical Wonder

Big Money Waste

Blasphemous Motorized Wreck

Bought My Wife

Brings Me Women

Break My Window

Broken Monstrous Wonder

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Big Money Works

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Butt Ugly Import Car Killer

Butt Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer

Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky

Built Under the Inspection of a Crazy Korean

Bought Understanding It Can't Kickbutt

CADILLAC

Crazy Aunt Drives It Like A Lunatic Across the Country

Car And Driver Indicates Lady Luck Abandoned Consumer

CAMARO

Can't America Make A Real One?

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

Car Has Extensive Rattle On Long Trips

Can Hear Every Valve Rattle Over Loud Engine Tapping

Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

CHEVY

Charged HEaVilY

Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

Cruddy Hick Engine Very Yucky

CHRYSLER

Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's

Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likeable Engineering Research

Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair

CHRYCO

Cherry Hot Rod You Can't Outrun

Chrysler Has Run Your Chebby Off

CITROEN

Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters

DATSUN

Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips

DODGE

Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter

Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere

Dangerous On Days Gears Engage

Death Overcomes Driver's Generous Ego

Driven Only During Grey Evenings

Dead On Delivery, Go Easy

Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired

Department Of Defense's Grossest Error

Don't Over Drive Gutless Engine

Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater

Dear Old Dad's Garage Experiment

EDSEL

Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT

Failure In Automotive Technology

Fix It Again Tony

Fix It Alltha Time

F**ked In the Ass Twice

Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD

F**ked over rebuilt Dodge

Flip over read directions

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Rockville Dump

Fails On Rainy Days

First On Race Day

Fourth On Race Day

First On Recall Day

First On Road to Dump

First On Rust and Deterioration

Found On Road Dead

Found On Rubbish Dump

Four Old Rusty Doors

Fool Only Runs Downhill

(expletive replaced) Driver Returns On Foot (backwards)

Fault Of R&D

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

Features O.J. and Ron's DNA

Fatally Obese Redneck Driver

Freaky Obsolete Racing Device

Fireball On Rear Denting

Fork Over Repair Dough

Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed

Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable

Forward Only, Reverse Defective

Forced On Reluctant Drivers

GEO

Get Everyone Out

Grotesque Engineering Outdated

Getting Even Ourway

Got Engine, Oh?

Get 'Er Outtahere

Good Engineering Overlooked

GM

Get a Mopar!

Grungy Merchandise

General Maintenance

Great Mistake

Gluteus Maximus

Grossly Misconceived

GMC

Garage Mechanics Companion

General Mass of Crap

Generally Mediocre Cars

Got a Mechanic Coming

Got More Crap

Get More Chicks

Great Muscle Cars

Garage Man's Companion

Gotta Mechanic Coming?

GTO

Get Tickets Often

Get Tires Often

HONDA

Helping Out Nips Destroying America

How Odd-No Damn Acceleration

Hold Overs Not Doing Anything

Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile

Hand Over Dollars to Asians

Had One Never Did Again

Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

Hallmark of Non-Descript Automobiles

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive

IROC

Idiot Runs Over Cats

Ignorant Redneck Owns Car

I'm Really Out of Cash

Italian Retard Out Cruising

I Race Other Cars

I Run Over Children

It's Really Only a Camaro

JAGUAR

Jags Always Guarantee Unlimited Astronomical Repairs

JEEP

Just Eats Every Part

Just Everyone Elses Parts

Just Empty Every Pocket

Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

LTD

Long Term Debt

Lousy Transportation Dammit

Long Term Disability

MAZDA

Most Always Dangerously Zipping Along

Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly

Making A Zillion Dollars Annually

MERCEDES

Money Envy Reliably Causes every Derogatory Expletive to Surface

METRO

Monkeys Engineered This Road Obstacle

Mileage's Everything; Torque, Running's Out

Mangey Environmentalist Transporter Rusts On

My Endeared Transportatin Rusted Out

Martha, Every Thing Rattles Off!

May Every Thing Rattle On

May Endure Teasing, Ridicule, and Ostracism

MG

Might Go

Mobile Garbage

Money Guzzler

Money Grabber

MGB

Might Go Backwards

MIATA

My Intention: Always To Accelerate

MITSUBISHI

May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside

Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents

MOPAR

Made Of Plastic And Rubber

Most Often Passed At Races

Most Often Proven At the Racetrack

Most OverPowered And Respected

Massively OverPowered And Respected

Mostly Old Parts And Rust

Mostly Old Paint And Rust

Mounds Of Power And Revs

Move Over, Pentastar Approaching Rapidly

MOst Perfect Automobiles for Racing

Masters Or Performance and Racing

Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars

My Old Pig Ain't Running

My Old Pig Always Roars

My Old Plymouth Ain't Runnin.

More Overall Performance And Reliability

Mostly Obsolete Parts Assembled Randomly

Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously

Most Often Passed At Races

My Only Problems Are Repairs

Move Over People Are Racing

MUSTANG

Massively Ugly Sh*tpile That's Always No Good

Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

NISSAN

Never I Shall Steal Another Nissan Now in Stupid Shape, Always Nasty

OLDS

One Leak, Dead Starter

Older, Louder, Dumber, Slower

Obnoxious, Loud Death Sled

OLDSMOBILE

Oh Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO

Put In Nickel To Operate

Performance Is Not The Object

Put In New Transmission Often

Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

Pyrotechnics Is Naturally The Object

PLYMOUTH

Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood! Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC

Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It's A Cadillac

PORSCHE

Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense

Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions

Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine

Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine

Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough

PROBE

Plainly Runs Only By Exception

RENAULT

Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back

Slick As A Brick

Swedish Auto - Always Broken

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

Swedish Auto's Are Best

Sad Attempt At Beauty

Sorry Auto, Always Broken

Shape Appears Ass-Backward

SATURN

Sorry About That Unexpected Recall Notice

SUBARU

Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

U R A BUS (read backwards)

Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All

Transportation Of Young Or Tasteless Airheads

Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass

The One You Ought To Avoid

TRIUMPH

The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!

Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

STP

Stop Those Pistons

NAPA

Never Any Parts Available

What a Car Really Says About Its Owner

Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX- I am impotent

Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp Chevrolet

Camaro- I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart-I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny

Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them

Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse-I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)

Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler

MGB- I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....

Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more

Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife

IMPORT TERMINOLOGY

All Motor Definition: No nitrous, no blower, or turbo. Sentence: That guy wanted to race our Camaro "all motor." We didn't know what that meant so we beat him with nitrous.

Crew Definition: The guys that do stuff for the driver, anytime, anywhere. Sentence: I sent some guys from the crew to return my videos.

DOHC Definition: Dual Overhead Cam. Sentence: I felt so sick, I had to see the DOHC.

Gran Turismo 2 Definition: A video game import guys love 'cause their street cars are slow. Sentence: I spun my Acura playing GT2 and then spilled milk on the sofa.

Jug Kit Definition: Big bore or stroker engine kits. Sentence: I put the 2.0L jug kit in my Acura.

Liter Definition: Measure of engine displacement. Sentence: I took my 1.6L Honda to the store and bought 2.0 liters of Coke.

LSD Definition: Limited-slip differential/transaxle (it's in front). Sentence: I dropped my LSD before the race and couldn't qualify.

NOPI Definition: Summit of import retail guys selling stuff. Sentence: I picked up a plastic ground effects kit and a 2-foot wing at the NOPI show.

Pop-off or blow-off valve Definition: The vent that vents excess turbo boost to the atmosphere. Sentence: My blow-off valve is bigger than your blow-off valve.

SOHC Definition: Single overhead cam. Sentence: When I do laundry, I always manage to lose a SOHC.

Three-inch Definition: The minimum size for exhaust tips. Sentence: My 1-inch exhaust system feeds my big chrome muffler and 3- inch tip.

Torque Definition: Never mind, imports don't have any.

VTEC Definition: Variable timing and lift electronic control. Sentence: Instead of changing cams, I smacked my VTEC with a hammer.

YOU MIGHT BE A RICE BOY IF ...

... you find yourself using the excuse 'yo, but you gots twice as many cylindas, dude after EVERY race

... you drive a 4 door 'type R'

... your gumby pants make it hard to shift

... more than 20 of your mods involve shielding what is actually underneath

... you have stickers that even most asians don't get

... you have stickers for parts you dont have

... you refer to 50hp as the 'big shot'

... your car has so much camber it can drive on its side

... when you drive by, WWII veterans run for shelter

... your exhaust tip diameter is 4 times the inner muffler diameter

... you have 'power by' anything anywhere on a car made by the engine manufacturer

... birds make nests on your spoiler because its taller than the trees

... you sell crack for the image...not the money

... you have 'N/T' polished on the side of car and you don't know what bracket racing is...

... you will only race if the other guy removes four sparkplugs

... you can't race uphills

... you have "All Motor" emblazoned on your rear hatch right next to your 14.50 dial in

... you brag to have nitrous and have a 14.50 dial in

... your exhaust system for your 1.8L is bigger than most Pro-stock cars

... you spent more money on stickers and stripes than your parents paid for your car

... you go to a performance shop and immediately start rummaging through the decal bin

... your tach is bigger than your head

... you have a shiftlight and your car is an automatic

... you refuse to race because it's a "show car"

... your only mods are cut factory springs and a 5" chrome exhaust tip

... at Autocross events you don't participate because you have a drag race setup and at drag events you brag about kicking ass on the autocross.

... you have more lights on the front of your car than the USS Voyager

... you brag about a turbo kit that never seems to get installed.

... your exhaust sounds like a dying Moose

... your bright green $300 air filter is bigger than your engine.