YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ...

*Race prepping your car means turning off the ac.

*You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder.

*You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants.

*You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate

*Your race car has never been on a trailer.

*You think anything less than a 455 is a small block.

*You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them!

*You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits.

*You plan road trips from gas station to gas station.

*Your wife's car runs 12s.

*You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it.

*You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material.

*The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck.

*You have heard the phrase "That's a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy's 'Vette after you shut them down.

*You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover."

*18 wheelers yield to you.

*You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s.

*You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station.

*Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie.

*You think every race car should have ac and power windows.

*You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas.

*You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s.

*The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

*You've said "No, it's not an SS" more than 3 times this week.

*You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT.

*Your friend's 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car.

*The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad.

*You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won.

Ten Commandments For The Car Collector

1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.

3. Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.

4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.

5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.

6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.

7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.

8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.

9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.

10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.

Classified Ad Translator

Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.

Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.

Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes.

Minor Rust - Don't sit down!

Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.

Low Mileage - Only 170,000.

Convertible - After driving under truck.

Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.

Alarm - Wires are cut to sell stolen.

Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.

Needs Paint - To cover rust.

New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.

Fully Loaded - Seller is too.

All Options - 8-track player.

Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.

Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.

Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.

Must Sell - Need bail money.

Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.

Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.

Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.

Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.

Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.

Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.

Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.

4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.

Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will car.

New Tires - Retreads years ago.

Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.

Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.

Car Cover - To help keep out rats.

Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.

Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.

Fully Restored - Nothing original.

Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.

Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.

Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.

Top Ten Things Bill Gates would change about the Automotive Industry

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker - a first.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.

3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Top Ten Reasons Why Not To Buy a SUV

10. EVERYONE ELSE drives one!

9. Too much vehicle for too much money.

8. Sucks more fuel than...well it just sucks!

7. Are you REALLY going to take that shiny new $40,000 SUV off road?

6. How can you "rough it" with a leather interior?

5. They're just cheap pickup trucks with back seats for an extra $20,000+.

4. They're too dang big!

3. Inferior overall safety.

2. Just like Chevy Chase's Family Truckster Wagon, except with four wheel drive.

1. Lemmings drown!