An F-Body Christmas Carol

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the garages

Not a Poncho was stirrin, you'd think they were Dodges;

Empty toolboxes were open under each Christmas tree,

Each person saying, "Hope St. Nick remembers me."

The f-body buffs were nestled snug in their beds,

While visions of car parts danced in their heads.

Mamma was in her T-shirt, and I wore my cap.

We had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the street there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the sheet to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew with a bound,

Tore open the curtains to see who was around.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a Black RS/SS downshifting gears!

With a little old driver so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than race cars his Chevy it came;

With more classics following which he called by name:

Now SS!! Now Yenko! Now Nickey and ZL-1! On Z/28!

on COPOs! and all you Top Guns!

Right down the chimney he went with a squeal.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his trunk;

And filled all the stockings with lots of good junk.

He brought goodies to most homes, but some he ignored,

We found out next morning that those folks all drove Fords!

And giving a jingle with his set of keys,

Gave a quick nod and left in a breeze.

He fired up his big block and it sounded so sweet,

With the others behind him, he roared down the street.

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!

You Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When..

 

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.

12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

21. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm. 46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile.

22. You need parachute braking.

23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.

27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner.

32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust.

33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal.

34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments.

35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown.

36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT.

37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart.

38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE.

39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east now thats.

40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels.

41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.

42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.

43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel.

44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road.

11. Breather masks required. C'mon, you want to be a he-man altered driver, dress the part! There's nothing more sinister than a guy with a gas mask sitting behind a supercharger. Make sure to snarl.

10. All drivers must flash the peace sign when crossing the finish line. It makes for a great photo op and gives an additional thrill akin to holding your hands up on a rollercoaster - except you don't have to steer and pull the chute on a rollercoaster.

9. All competitors must run the $20 gambler's race the night before an event. Hey, you could probably use the seat time and it will keep you from pulling into the track at the last minute with a half put-together race car. That is of course unless you grenade it the night before.

8. Maximum of 5 pounds of torque on the rod bolts. It adds a little russian roulette drama to the racing action. And stop whining about running on an oily racetrack - think about the fans! By the way, there's no Loctite allowed. We're checkin'.

7. Maximum 90-inch wheelbase. Shorten 'em up boys. Yeah, we know about stability at speed, but if you're not all over the track, you're not getting the best adrenalin rush!

6. Free beer for the photographers. And we mean the good stuff too. Not the warm, flat swill left over from the night before like the track workers drink.

5. Fire burnouts required. A necessity if you want to make the cover of Drag Racing Monthly. And we'll supply the gas! Only allowed at non-NHRA tracks - both of them.

4. Four abreast burnouts. Come to think of it, make that four abreast runs. And if a guy breaks, leave him on the track.

3. 32-car fields - 64 at the finals. Add to that 4 rounds of qualifying with a double-elimination ladder. It's round-robin time and we want you guys back in the lanes!

2. All teams must have a hot babe to back up their car after the burnout. If you didn't bring your own, one can be provided at a nominal fee. Trashy outfits are additional.

1. . . . and the number one rule change we'd like to see for "Hot Rods From Hell". . . Nitro, nitro, nitro. Yeah, we know it's expensive. We know it's hard on parts. But we want cackling, 4-foot high header flames! And besides, it's not our wallets!

10. His nickname is " Second Place ".

9. He's been holeshotted so often he might as well wait until the other driver turns off the track before he drops the hammer. 8. He asks you what the car did on the run.

7. He's not bothered by lane choice because he drives in both lanes on every run anyway.

6. He begrudgingly begins all autographs with " I hate everybody ".

5. He proudly marks his helmet for each blown engine.

4. He keeps his foot in it after reaching the catch net.

3. He can't do an interview without someone throwing him duct tape for his mouth.

2. His tantrums could peg a seismograph.

1. He doesn't try to better himself by leaving you.

10. " Oh, what a pass that Budweiser dragster laid down ! Go, Cory ! " (McClenathan).

9. " I'm completely awed by the women drivers. I wonder if I could meet Connie ? " (Kalitta).

8. " I raced against Brad Platt in the '60's "

7. " What a charming couple they are. I should introduce you to Edcel and Erdie Hill. "

6. " You say, 'a-mate-o,' and I say, 'Amato.' "

5. " I'm really tight with the Pedregon 'twins,' Cruz and Tony. "

4. " Tom Hoover has more international connections than the World Wide Web. "

3. " Head hurried hastily home having had habitual, harried horsepower hassles. "

2. " Let's rush over to Tommy J's (Johnson) pit and see if he'll sell us some 'Big Johnson' T's out the back door. "

1. " Those Moon Eyes are real cute, but the artist didn't capture a very close likeness to Kenji. " (Okazaki)

10. Get emotional; it makes you come off more serious.

9. Bring out how something unrelated worked in the past when all the parts were different.

8. Quote respected crew chiefs who never made a comment on the subject.

7. Attribute your own bizarre theories to someone so quiet no one knows what he might be thinking.

6. Most mileage is afforded from silly argumentative ideas.

5. Time or prior commitment is not an issue.

4. No idea is too wild to beat to death.

3. Thinking is not as important as talking.

2. Best composite is one informant, one skeptic, one brain, one clown, one idiot.

1. Have at least two participants: Lone bench racers seldom get their ideas tested.

10. Parts we sold to some fool that we bought back.

9. "Trick" new parts that never worked but that we still might "unload" on someone.

8. Demolished parts gathered from around the pits that we sell at match races claiming,"They just came out of that motor."

7. "What if" parts.

6. Parts for sale marked "four runs only" that we've run the last ten races.

5. Parts we bought because we didn't realize we already had two drawers full of these parts.

4. Broken parts the crew is hiding.

3. Borrowed parts someone forgot who they lent them to.

2. Parts we had to have because everyone else was buying them.

1. Parts that fit nothing.

10. Can't get Simpson or Bell to make visors with bifocals.

9. Keep getting confused as to which is the throttle pedal and which is the clutch pedal.

8. Beat Wally Parks for "Rookie of the Year" (1951).

7. Starting to like the tire shake.

6. Outlasted all the crew chiefs ... even Bradley.

5. Can't bench race with punk kids like Amato and Bernstein anymore - Gets too out of breath.

4. Can't get used to Christmas Tree - likes old flag start method better.

3. Wants to bring back dry hops.

2. Starting to like velour shirts Connie wears. Wanna find where he shops.

1. Taught Don Garlits to drive.

10. Vandals stole the NHRA season schedule from the shop wall.

9. The team is glued to the TV, watching the OJ trial.

8. The Wayne County dentist is on an extended Caribbean vacation.

7. Too much partying at Glidden's house.

6. They've gone Pro Mod racing.

5. There's a "gas" shortage in Wayne County.

4. The team is home watching re-runs of "Sledge Hammer".

3. They're waiting for the new engine casting to arrive from Pluto.

2. Lost the car keys.

1. The team's new engine builder is Rip Van Winkle.

Two ninety-year-old men, Bubba and Clyde, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Bubba is dying, so Clyde comes to visit him.

"Bubba," says Clyde, "You know how we have both loved stock car racing all our lives. So, you gotta do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've gotta tell me if there's stock car racing in heaven."

Bubba looks up at Clyde from his deathbed and says, "Clyde, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Bubba passes on.

It is around midnight a couple nights later. Clyde is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him: "Clyde....Clyde...."

"Who is it?" asks Clyde sitting up suddenly. "Who's there?!"

"Clyde, it's Bubba."

"Come on. You're not Bubba. Bubba died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Bubba!"

"Bubba? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Bubba, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Clyde.

"The good news," says Bubba, "is that there IS stock car racing in heaven."

"Really?" says Clyde, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're on the pole position next Sunday!"

Racer Jokes | 1 | 2 |

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