Marriage, Divorce and Adultery

GODS WORD TO YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN

Topic 3: Marriage, Divorce and Adultery.

Key verses:

Gen 2.24: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Gen 2.18: It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Reasons for marriage:

1. A solution to loneliness:

Gen 2.18: It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

2. To help each other through life:

Eccl 4.9-12: Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. ( see Gen 2.18 above )

3. To avoid sexual immorality:

1 Cor 7.2: But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come back together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

4. Strong sex drive:

1 Cor 7.8-9: Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

5. To receive grace together:

1 Pet 3.7: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Note: Your prayers will be more effective as two than as one: "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" Mat 18:19-20.

6. Acting improperly while engaged:

1 Cor 7.36: If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married.

7. Bringing up children:

(Gen 1:27-28) So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. {28} God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

Reasons not to marry:

1. Living in the last days:

1 Cor 7.25-29: Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgement as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries she has not sinned.

2. Those who marry will have troubles:

1 Cor 7.28: But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

3. To have undivided devotion to the Lord:

1 Cor 7.32-35: I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgins is concerned about the Lords affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

4. Unable to consummate a marriage:

Mat 19.11-12: Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.

Who can we marry ?

2 Cor 6.14-15: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

1 Cor 7.39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. Note: an unbeliever may turn us from the Lord e.g. Neh 13.25-26.

What the word says (general):

Prov 18.22; He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord.

Prov 19.14: Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

Qualities to look for in a wife:

Prov 31:10-12,30: A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life.- Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

1 Pet 3.1-6: Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewellery and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Qualities to look for in a Husband:

Job 1.1: This man was blameless and upright: he feared God and shunned evil.

Look at how he treats his parents and friends

The gift of singleness!

(1 Cor 7:7 NIV) I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

What is the gift of singleness?

The ability to remain single and to enjoy it without a greater desire for marriage
Sexual conciousness but not the compulsion for it.

You do not need to worry that God has given you this gift when you do not want it, if you desire to get married you do not have this gift. However marriage is also a gift of God not a right. Many more people will not have the gift of singleness and will not be married. Some will remain celebate because of the kingdom of God (Mat 19:12) to do missionary work for instance. While we might not like or enjoy singleness we should try to lead fruitful lives, making the most of the time, rather than waiting for Mr or Miss Right to come along. The grass is always greener on the otherside, we think. Not always.

How to decide who is the right one ?

Col 3.15: Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,...

Prov 20.18: Make plans by seeking advice; if you wage war, obtain guidance.

Infatuation wants to get; Love wants to give. Do you know the difference.

Physical attraction? Required because it is a physical relationship, but not the determining factor. Will only sustain marriage in first few years. Physical attraction will tempt you into marriage but will not sustain it.

Similar temperament? Leads to peace, dissimilar leads to strife! Can you live with those characteristics that annoy you now, they do not magically change after marriage. It takes a lifetime for the Holy Spirit to change a person, do you think you can do better?

Quiet, Noisy,

Sloppy, Tidy

Overbearing, submissive

Demanding, Exacting, laidback

Busy, sluggish

High energy level vs low

Generous, stingy

Caring, selfish

You should not share the same spiritual weaknesses or sins

You should consider the following:

Aims in life,
Maturity: are you both mature enough to marry
Education,
Social background,
Aims for work (will you spent time apart due to travelling on business)
Age,
Mutual respect,
Do you both want children,
Friends,
Attitude to money and wealth,
Attitude to church etc.
Health is an important issue, an unhealthy partner can lead to greater stress within marriage
Are you good friends or motivated mainly by sexual attraction
Physical attraction will tempt you into marriage but not keep you in it (for long).

You need to know your partners strengths and weakness, temperament BEFORE marriage, you will be unlikely to change them AFTER marriage, even though you might take years trying. Watchman Nee says that you should go into marriage with your eyes open and close them during marriage. Nagging will never change him.

In a Christian marriage the husband should love his wife as himself, be considerate to her, not be harsh with her, treat her with respect. The wife must respect her husband and submit to him. Therefore those considering marriage should consider these qualities. For example a woman should ask herself whether she is able to submit to her potential husband, does she respect him as a person? Does he love her, is he considerate towards her and does he treat her with respect?

DON'T marry if one or more of the following conditions exist: (From NAMB)

If one of you relentlessly asks questions like, "Do you love me?" or "Do you really care about me?"
If when you are together you spend most of your time disagreeing and quarreling (even if you miss each other when you are not together).
If you don't really know each other as persons, even though you have spent a great deal of time together.
If you are both still very young (roughly, under 22). Most young marriages end in divorce or separation.
If you are marrying mainly to get away from your own home and family or to have someone take care of you.
If your decision to get married has been largely influenced by your prospective father-in-law or mother-in-law. A surprising number of people are attracted by the warm acceptance, the flattery, the wealth or even the cooking of a potential in-law.
If you keep having thoughts like, "Maybe things will be better after we're married," or your prospective mate continues in a particular behavior you don't like before marriage and promises "to change" after marriage. It rarely happens!
If your fiancé has behavior traits that you can't stand (such as non-stop talking) and you avoid the issue for fear of giving offense.
If your partner insists that you drop all your old friends and start afresh.
If, after you've given it some thought, you discover you are marrying a sex object, not a person. Sexual excitement soon fades if there is no mutual sharing of personal values and affection for each other as persons.
If you're joining the parade to the altar because all your friends are getting married.
If you are lonely or tired of trying to make it on your own and even a shaky marriage seems better than being single.
If you are on the rebound from a disappointment in another relationship.
If the only reason you are marrying is to deal with an untimely pregnancy. If there are no common values or goals, mutual respect, or shared interests to support the relationship, look carefully first at other options: adoption, single parenting, or delaying marriage until you are sure you are both ready to make a lifetime commitment to each other.
If he is not a Christian, do not presume that he will change and become one after marriage, some do but many do not and bring much heartache in the process. Do not let your heart rule your head. God may give you your hearts desire as well as trouble. Disobedience is still disobedience -- Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. (2 Cor 6:14). If you decide to yoke yourself with an unbeliever you will be pulling in different directions for the rest of your life.

Qualities of love: 1 Cor 13.4-7

Check out both yourself and your partner against 1 Cor 13:4-7

Love is patient,

love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Marriage is honourable:

Heb 13.4: Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Marriage should not be forbidden:

1 Tim 4.1-5: The Spirit clearly says that in the later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and by prayer. Note: Marriage was created before the fall.

Marriage is a lifelong covenant and divorce is not an option:

(1)Mal 2.14-16:...It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel, and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment, says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

Divorce:

Jesus on Divorce:

Mat 19.3-12: Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?' Haven't you read, he replied, that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Why then, they asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.

The disciples said to him, If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry. Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it is has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.

(Mat 5:31-32) "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' {32} But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

(Mark 10:11-12) He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. {12} And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."

(Luke 16:18) "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

From the above passages it seems that God does not recognise the divorce unless adultery has occured.

Paul on divorce:

1 Cor 7.10-11: To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Pauline concession:

1 Cor 7.12-16: To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

A wife is bound to her husband until he dies:

Rom 7.2-3: For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.

1 Cor 7.39: A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Adultery:

Deut 5.18: You shall not commit adultery.

Prov 5.18-20: May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

Prov 6.25-29: Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his cloths being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. (see Prov 7.1-27)

Note: Adultery is biblical ground for divorce (Mat 19.9: I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.)

Mk 10.11:-Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.

Mat 5.27-28: You have heard it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Deut 5.21: You shall not covet your neighbour's wife....

Job 31.1: I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.

God's order for husbands:

Eph 5:25-33: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The one flesh relationship of marriage is so real that in loving his wife the man is loving himself. Look at the model of marriage that is presented to us here, the husbands love for his wife should be like the love of Christ for the church which he bought with his own blood (Acts 20:28). This love is a sacrificial love, a self giving love, an agape love.

Col 3.19: Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

1 Pet 3.7: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

God's order for wives:

Eph 5.22-24: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Col 3.18: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Titus 2.3-5: Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

1 Pet 3.1-2: Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

Gen 3.16: Result of the curse: I will greatly increase your pain in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.

Prov 12.4:A wife of noble character is her husbands crown...

Prov 19.13:...a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

In a Christian marriage the husband should love his wife as himself, be considerate, not be harsh, treat with respect. The wife must respect her husband and submit to him.

Marriage vows:

For better or for worse

For richer or for poorer

In sickness and in health

For as long as you both shall live

When we take these vows, God takes them seriously, do we?

(Mal 2:14) You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

Marriage is a covenant which terminates on the death of either side, after that the one still living can remarry.

(1 Cor 7:39 NIV) A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Books:

Do All to the Glory of God by Watchman Nee, Stephen Kaung (Translator). This book should be required reading by all who are contemplating marriage and those who counsel singles. It contains advice not found in the usual range of counselling books.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, Rebecca St James
Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control by Elisabeth Elliot, Ruth Bell Graham (Introduction)
Quest for Love : True Stories of Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
The Path of Loneliness: It May Seem a Wilderness, But It Can Lead You to God by Elisabeth Elliot
Choosing God's Best by Don Raunikar, Don Rauniker
Before You Say 'I Do' : A Marriage Preparation Manual for Couples by Norman H. Wright, H. Norman Wright, Wes Roberts (Contributor)
Different by Design : God's Master Plan for Harmony Between Men and Women in Marriage by H. Dale Burke
Knight in Shining Armor : Discovering Your Lifelong Love by P. B. Wilson
What to Do Until Love Finds You : Preparing Yourself for Your Perfect Mate by Michelle McKinney-Hammond
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric Ludy, Leslie Ludy
The Four Loves by C. S. Lewis. Learn to distinguish between eros and agape.
Every Man's Battle : Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey (Contributor)
Breaking Free : Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of Jesus by Russell Willingham, Bob Davies
The War Within : Experiencing Victory in the Battle for Sexual Purity by Robert Daniels
Pure Desire : Helping People Break Free from Sexual Struggles by Ted Roberts, Jack W. Hayford
When Good Men Are Tempted by Bill Perkins
Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible by Jay Edward Adams