Warming up a cold mellophone

Well, horn lovers, I will now reveal the secret warmups which I have used to plumb the heights of smellophone virtuosity:

• First I get the lip into shape by performing long groans. I use a Korg tuna to check my intonation. I also carefully monitor my tone quality. I keep a large supply of Oreo cookies on hand, which I use in those rare cases when I actually detect any intonation or tone quality.

• Next I work on various virtuosic embelchments, such as lip thrills and approximaturas.

• Next I perform the B flat major scale in all possible keys.

• It is important to choose a suitable book of etudes. I prefer to empty the instrument out on volume 5 of the Maxime Elephants etudes. I have also achieved similarly excellent results with the Krotchrasch etudes.

• It is important to gain total mastery of the rich liturgy composed for this remarkable instrument. So I am currently working on Webern's CONCERTSTINK as well as the S'NATA IN F by Peckhoven. And, of course, one must master orchestral exburps such as the smellophone solo from MATHIS DER HINDEMITH by Mahler, not to mention the Long Smell from SIEGFRIEDS RHEINFART.