Ireland's horn problems

Da Bear wanted a report on the recent meeting between the touring Cabbage and the horn section of the Boston Symphony on Saint Patrick's Day. They were anxious to learn from me the causes of the deterioration of Celtic hornplaying during recent years. I indicated that there were several causes:

• The partition of Northern Ireland makes it hard to fix a dent in your Belfast.

• Irish horns tend to accumulate green goo rather rapidly, owing to the complete absence of snakes.

• Disputes have arisen among players about whether rotors should use neoprene or the more traditional county cork.

• Players have been switching to the light-weight but tonally treacherous compensating Dublin horn.

• The decision of horn makers to relocate to Southern Ireland has resulted in the manufacture of inferior instruments, referred to as lepre-Conns.

Needless to say, we downed many a pint of Guiness and shared many an emerald-tinted oreo on this memorable evening.

Gotta go,

Cabbage