Cattle Fitter in Heaven:

Once there was this "great" cattle fitter that died and went to Heaven. When he got to Heaven he noticed how beautiful and perfect everything was. Heaven had beautiful pastures and the most perfect cattle grazing in them. Well, he couldn't just sit around and do nothing with the cattle, so he went to God to ask him something. He said "God do you mind if I fit on the cattle a little?" God said "No I don't mind. You're in Heaven-you can do anything you wish.

"The fitter said thank you and started to walk away,and then decided to ask God another question. "God, after I get them fit, do you think we could have a Jackpot Show here in Heaven?" God said "Oh,no up here everything is perfect and everyone wins!" The fitter starts to walk away again and thinks of another question. "God, do you think we could have a jackpot show and ask the devil to bring his cattle up?" God thought this over and said, "I don't see why not. I will go and see if he'd like to come."

So God went down to hell to talk to the devil. "Devil", he said, "we would like to have a jackpot show-will you come?" The devil says, "I don't see why not. Will you take a look at my herd and tell me how they will fare?" So they go out to pasture to take a look. Of course, the pastures down in hell have hardly any grass and the cattle are skinny and scrawny with no hair and really should have been put out of their misery a long time ago. Well, upon seeing this, God turned to the devil and said, "I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but up in heaven we have the number one fitter and perfect cattle, so you probably won't be able to compete. Maybe the jackpot show isn't such a good idea. The devil listened to God and then answered, " I know your cattle and fitters are the best, but I think we will compete. I know the cattle aren't pretty to look at, but down here in hell WE HAVE ALL OF THE JUDGES!!!!!! "

Telegram to a blonde:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word comfortable. The operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable? The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it real slow. ( com-for-da-bull )!