Magickal diary records.- 1974.

when i was 13 i breifly dabbled in a form of glue sniffing using a substancve called zoff-removes plasters painlessly and one day while playing truant with some freinds we took a bus into town and back again later that day. During this period of time we sniffed zoff on several occasions in town and on the bus returning back home. During these sniffing sessions I had an experience which-as far as i can remember -happened three times, once in town while walking, and twice on the ruturn bus journey.

It would begin by m y hearing an intense distant hissing sound which-as it drew nearer-took hold of my body,causing a severe tingling sensation which began in the tiop of my fingers and the edges of my teeth and soaked into me until both the hissing sound and the sensations of being completly overwhelmed by what i can only describe as the feeling of eveery nerve in my body contracting so that my teeth clenched up along with my hands and body almost as if trying to hold onto the awarness of my physical form-it also had the sensation of being physically ripped away from my body, these sensations and the hissing sound were ONE thing-i.e.the same thing.

Then I became aware of nothingness all around me,blackness and the unmistakable awakening feeling of being in aplace I knew well, I heard myself say,"Oh no, I am here again", , I was awre that i had no physical form whatsoever and that I was an immortal being who had simply forgotten it, as I tried to remember who I was time seemed irrelavent and then I became awre of myself as a 3 year old in a dentists chair, for a moment I felt as if I was going to wake up in that chair & breifly did but the pain of the tooth extraction forced me back away and as I struggled to stop myself awakening in the dentists chair that hissing began again exept this time it was a powerful rythmic force which began to carry me backwards,I became aware that this whole thing was going on in the inside of my mouth and that my awarness was situated on the tip of my tongue. As I began moving backwards all memory of who i was,my life on earth, everything faded and i was simply myself as i was,is and had always been,this feeling was SO familiar to me that it was as if i had awakened to a seperate reality in which i was already everything i thought i was to yet become and more than all of it aswell, then, as the rythm picked up power and pace i actually felt my entire head and mouth cave in as if crushed,I tasted all the blood in my mouth,felt all my teeth fall out and shatter and felt ALL the pain as if it were REAL, the shock of this made me seperate completly from my body and i began moving even further back -my tongue was folding back into my mouth- then I realized that if i didnet stop going back I was going to erase myself completly and would die-i had the definete sensation that I was dying and so faught back as hard as I could to return to below or rather force my tongue back down to the front of my mouth, after a long struggle the force exerted on me let go and i returned to the "here" place that I had first found myself, in front of me were a row of teeth and again al around,the blackness and that unmistakable, familiar feeling of "selfness" or "hereness" - i.e.- a permement feeling of de ja veu - or "here i am again" sort of feeling- but hen from deep down in the blacknes below me I heard an awful,hideous, echoing laugh which filled me with a feeling of recognition and utter dread & I remember thinking "Oh No !" - then, the tingling hissing sound retracted and I suddenly became aware of my clenched-up teeth and body and came around - on the first occasion it had been in the middle of the street in town but I had not even been out long enough for my body to fall over after I lost consciousness-my freinds hadent even noticed anything had happened so breif was my fit, it happened again twice on the way back home and after that day I never sniffed zoff or anything else of that nature again.

I have theories of what happened, i beleive that i very nearly died & that the mouth is the "gateway" by which we leave our bodies and that we begin that "Journey" by firstly awakening on the tip of our tongue-the seat of our consciousness while here on earth in physical form, and as the body is dying it very much acts like a plant in that it exerts one last flush of energy by lifting up and expelling the soul out of the top of the head and as it is doing so part of that last powerful effort is for the tongue to return to where it began also-i.e.all babies are born with their tongues in the back of their heads,thus Dr's have to pull a babies tongue out so they dont swallow it after their first born-

However-I was aware that this might also just have been an hallucination and concoction of my own mind and so I remained uncertain of what had happened. Then, two years later the oppertunity arose to proove my theories when an old school chum calleda round foer a visit and he was indulging in inhaling butaen gas from a canister and offered me some-I declined and so as we sat talking he would occasionally take a hit from the gas can. I noticed that after he took his hit of gas he would loose consciousness for a few seconds and then come around again, I noticed that when he came back around he would awaken exited and almost frantic but it passed so quick that he dident even have time to react to it,then he would mumble something about not being able to remember what had just existed him so much and brush it off & continue normally.

I decided to try an experiment to see if he might possibly be experiencing the same sort of thing as I had done but his consciousness was blocking out the memory as soon as he came around again - not suprizing as the experience is traumatic- So- when he took his next hit and lost consciousness for a breif moment I began making a sound with my mouth which roughly represented the rythmical hissing sounds I had experienced two years earlier-then-as he came back around he looked at me with utter horror and suprize and lept from his chair screaming "You Know! You KNOW!.....for a moment he was reeling with the shock of not only the memory of the experience but the fact that the guy he was with knew about it too - then - just as quickly he lost it and started saying, "but what do you know...what...what was I saying ?...then it was gone and he shrugged it off and left.

For that breif moment our worlds had collided, I was much later to regret using this chap as an experiment as from that day onwards he seemed to have nothing but problems and only a few years later died a drug addict and alcoholic & I often wondered if the experience had been to much for his subconscious, it certainly forced him to remember-however breifly-something which he wasent supposed to remember.