Geoff Whiley

's Page of Random Childhood Memories

A few to get this started. Apologies if I've mis-remembered the odd word or two.


What's that? It's Squirmles!

One of the many irritating toys to put in an appearance during my formative years. Bit of fur on a string. Then there were Clackers: pair of balls on a string which you banged together at high speed. And that hosepipe thing you whirled around in the air. Worst of all - if not in its own right, then as the spawner of something really evil - was the Stylophone. Its pathetic renderings of Beethoven's 9th etc., Bach's Toccata etc form the basis for almost every mobile phone you hear.



She Stripped in the Roman Way

No she didn't: she stripped in the usual boring way. The Roman Way was merely the name of a pub. A classic headline from the News of the World.



The smell of chocolate over Norwich


What is your name?

The very first game of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (barring perhaps a pilot). So ancient I used to take a trannie (for R4 was on MW in those days) into Junior School. Of course, the games were very different in those days: pick-up song, one song to the tune of another, straight face, late arrivals etc... Pre-Rushton, Mr Brooke Taylor being partnered by Mr Oddie. Pre-Samantha, pre-Sven.


"There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who went down to the pub for a shandy.
When he lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he'd spilt,
The barman said 'Blimey! That's handy!'"

Limerick taught by Sid James to his - or perhaps someone else's! - parrot in 'Bless This House'.



"Me:
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"

'The world's shortest poem', describing how if feels to be The Greatest. Spelling and punctuation are only guesses. I.S.T.R he declaimed it on Look East: I.S.T.F. why he was in the area! Perhaps beating up on J Bugner or filming an after-shave advert.



"The Slovakians... the most evil race on the planet."

From about the time of Socialism with a human face, an exceptionally mean jibe about the country that demerged without a blood bath. Super Moose - unrelated to any subsequent character of that name - was a strip cartoon character used to launch the chocolate bar of the same name. I forget who made it, but Mars already had Milky Way and it's hardly Charbonnel et Walker's style.

I.S.T.R. the wrapper had a scratch panel. You rubbed it off to get a coded message. The key was in the advert, and I'd rate the following as a pretty good reconstruction of the standard of cryptography:

Qmfbtf objm nz ifbe up Cbtjm Gbxmuz't xbmm.

Appeared in 'Look & Learn (incorporating Ranger)', whose 'The rise and fall of
 the Trigan Empire' was cited by Ian Hislop (Torygraph 1/8/99) as a precursor to Star Wars. Hoping to beat your previous record for libel damages?



Finally, the most useful advice you'll find on the web. Including that one about sunscreen. Southern Television's original 'How' programme told us what to do when the holes in toilet paper don't match up.

Many years later, Victor Meldrew attacked the problem with Margaret's sewing machine. But had he survived, Stuart could have told him that you need only grab one ply and unwind it from the roll. Everything else lines up perfectly.


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Geoff Whiley, 2000