At a Toastmasters meeting the Jokemaster tells a joke to lighten the mood and to practice using humor. This section is related but different: it is a collection of jokes related to communications, generally with a message if you dig deep enough.
(A witty quote rather than a joke)
William Williams of Connecticut, who helped draft the Declaration of Independance, during the war said "I have done much to prosecute the contest, and the one thing I have done, which the British will never pardon, is I have signed the Declaration of Independence. I shall be hung."
His companion indicated he would escape William's fate because he had not penned anything critical of the British.
Williams replied: "Then, sir, you derserve to be hanged for not having done your duty."
Quoted from the Repbulican Americamn (Waterbury Newspaper), July 4th, 2008, Page 4A.
You shouldn't talk about taste:
Some people like to wear hats
Some people like to eat cheese
Some people like to go to confession
Digging a hole is the only job where you start at the top. (newspaper)
I was looking for a way to describe how fast someone was talking, and came up with this description: "Took a new Yorker, poured a can of Jolt cola down their throat and shook them well." Now that's a fast talker!
Somethings are serious enough that losing sleep over them make sense, other things aren't. Ironically, insomnia is nothing to lose sleep over, but narcolepsy is.
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb"
-Benjamin Franklin
There was a picture of a snake so long that there were 7 people holding it up and the caption "How do you measure a giant snake?"
I said "It's obvious. First you determine if the snake is venomous or not.
If it's non-venomous then you measure it from head to tail.
If it i's venomous then you have someone else measure it from head to tail."
Why did the frog cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was feeling couped up.
I told my friend that at dinner for the conference I had decided on the vegetarian. He asked me how they tasted because he'd never actually eaten one.
Remember: "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese".
Dr. Dobbs Journal, November 2007, Page 64 Michael Swaine.
Debugging is twice as hard as writing code in the first place. Therefore, if write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it."
Any article or statement about grammar, punctuation or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror[sic]."
Dr. Dobbs Journal, November 2007, Page 64 Michael Swaine.
My version of that last one was: "Spellling the bane of calligraphers."
Delegating is something no one can do for you.
It started out as an attempt at a quote that leadership is something no one can do for you, but this was more amusing.
"...rules without exceptions always court trouble." Dr. John Lienhard, of the University of Houston.
If you prefer All rules that don't have exceptions are bad...
I can't remember where I heard this. It might have been in a reader's digest, it might not...
A renowned professor was on his way to one of his many lecture appearances when his chauffeur asked which speech he was giving. The Professor told him and the chauffeur replied, "oh, that old one."
"What do you mean?" inquired the professor.
"Just that I've heard it so many times that I could give it."
There was a long pause and then the Professor said softly, "I bet you a dollar you can't."
The chauffeur accepted, pulled the car over and they exchanged clothes. Then the chauffeur got in the back and the professor, dressed as the chauffeur, drove to the event. The professor in his chauffeur uniform stood at the back of the auditorium and watched. The chauffeur really had heard the speech enough times to give it, and gave it well. At the end of the speech someone in the audience asked if he'd take questions. Since the professor had always taken questions the chauffeur said yes. The first question was easy and the chauffeur answered it right away. The second question was also pretty easy and the chauffeur answered it. But the third question was really hard.
The chauffeur said, "That question is so easy I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it!"
"According to noted investigators, every action of humans can be explained as the result of FOUR primal drives: Sex, Food, Sleep..."
"That's only thr-"
"And Sex."
An experienced toastmaster, a district officer and a DTM was about to give a speech and the evaluator said, "But you're a DTM, you already know everything..." The DTM replied, "Not everything; I just know how to fake it, which makes it look like I know everything."
Some of the trees in Central park are infested with the Asian Long Horn Beetle. This is bad. The trees must be cut down, the roots dug up, the whole thing shredded to chips and the chips burned to ashes... But at least the ashes don't have to be blessed by a priest or buried in a crossroad at midnight. That is reserved for the Transylvanian long-tooth Beetle.
A man went to Africa for a safari. After several days he got very sick: chills, fever, throwing up, blacking out... After the third black out the guide took him to a doctor. The doctor listened to the symptoms, considered for a few seconds a declared the man had Malaria of the brain and only had a week to live and should enter the hospital.
The man said, "heck with that. Just give me something to stop the vomiting and let me out of here. I came 2,000 miles to see animals...and I may only have a week to live."
There are two important things to learn from this: (1) if you only have a week to live then don't waste it in the hospital! Go and see the animals. and (2): Never, ever, mix alcohol and anti-malaria drugs!
At work my boss was on the phone, with a customer, who was demanding an absolutely inane feature... it made no sense at all. Trying to explain that even if the customer wants a really stupid feature we won't necessarily create it, he offered "Next thing you know they'll be making guns with built in MPG players...they're going to call it an iGlock.
One day St. Francis (before he was sainted) and one of his friars were walking down the road and the friar asked, "So Francis, how's are you doing at being holy?"
Francis answered sadly, "I am the most wretched of souls."
The poor friar's eyes must have bugged out: if Francis of Assisi is the most wretched of men then what did that make him? Even wretcheder than the most wretched?
Francis proceeded to explain that God had given him many gifts, gifts which he had yet to make use of and it was this difference between his potential and accomplishment that made him the most wretched of souls.
"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." Abraham Lincoln
I was at the district conference and just before the entre was served the person next to me left the table to ask a question. After we'd all been served I started eating (because I didn't know when that person would be back and could start eating as soon as got back). Eventually they returned and started eating after I'd finished about half my meal. By the time I nearly finished so was the person who had started later, having nearly caught up.
I pointed this out but then explained why it had happened. "You'll notice," I said, "that the table isn't level and I'm at the low point. That means I've been eating up hill all the way."
How do you eat an elephant?
...one bite at a time.
Good advice about anything, really
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Control freak; Now you say, "control freak who."
Today was the first day of the rest of my life...and look how I spent it...
My mom asked, "What can you expect from a day that started by getting up?"
I have some good news and some bad news.
The Good news: Tomorrow is Friday.
The Bad news: Tomorrow is Friday.
Woodrow Wilson was asked how long it took him to prepare a 10-minute speech.
"Two weeks," he said.
"How long to prepare a one-hour speech?"
"One week."
"How long to prepare a two-hour speech?"
"I'm ready now."
Page 54 of Ron Hoff's "Say it in Six." Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) said something similar.
A while back a visited a bookstore, selected a book, paid for it. Then the clerk said something strange; rather than "have a nice day" or "Thank you" he instead said "Good Luck." I couldn't figure out why he said it until I remember what purchase he'd just rung up: a book how to write a novel. Considering my talent as a writer I need all the luck I can get!
As the incoming VP-Education I was desperate to get members to reply to my survey or even finish reading them.
So I resorted to trying to make them as humorous as my sense of humor allowed.
Here are the texts of the emails I sent out.
At work someone called and asked to speak to "Hamaka" (it isn't even close to how to pronounce the boss's name, though they are obviously trying, and more obviously failing).
"He's not here."
"Can you tell me how to pronounce his name?"
"He's not here."
(Getting the message) "OK, What's Your name?"
"I'm not here either."
I'll transfer you...
Hello, Infinite recursion department, no one is here to take your call, I'll transfer you...
Hello, Infinite recursion department, no one is here to take your call, I'll transfer you...
Hello, Infinite recursion department, no one is here to take your call, I'll transfer you...
(and repeat until they figure out the joke.)
Caller:"Who is the person who handles purchasing for your company?"
Me: (Quickly opening catalog) "What is the name of the person who handles purchasing of computer hardware at your company?"
and continue by trying to sell the caller a computer (out of the catalog in case they actually offer to buy).
Caller: "I'm calling from <insert name of famous large company>"
Me: "Prove it."
Caller: "How?"
Me: "You could show me your company's secret handshake."
Caller: "But this is a telephone."
Me: "Well, it is called a handset."
ME: "Well, the boss is going to be upset if he catches me talking when I should be testing this new software...but you're in luck. It's our new survey software. You can help me test it by letting me survey you while I answer your survey. Sound OK?"
Caller: "OK"
ME: "You first."
Caller: "How many people are employed in your firm?"
ME: " one and three and one and...hang on a sec, I've got to take off my shoe.... and..., yeah. The answer is seven."
Caller: "Seven?"
ME: "Yes. Why? You sound surprised? Hang on a second, I need to tie my shoelaces."
Caller: "Just checking."
ME: "My turn. In your home do you have two or more toilets OR two or more interdimensional vortexs?"
Caller: "...yes."
ME: "Really? I've just got the one. ...Interdimensional vortex that is, I've got two toilets. Your turn."
Caller: "Does your firm do software, hardware or both?"
ME: "just the software, we farm out the Hardware. My turn. How many of your immediate family have been kidnapped by aliens more than once?"
Caller: "None."
ME: "Good, just once each. That means the new tagging system is working..."
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Oscar Wilde
I prefer to choose my enemies for their poor marksmanship! A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Richard Frantz Jr.
In 1996 Alan Sokal, a respected physicist with New York University, submitted an article to a leading journal of cultural studies called "Social Text."
Unfortunately for the editors they published the paper, which was titled "Transgressing the Boundaries: Towards a Transformative Hermeneutics of Quantum Gravity." Unfortunate because it was a deliberate hoax and a spoof.
The editors were understandably furious when this was revealed. Stanley Aronowitz, a Marxist sociologist and cofounder of the journal, branded Sokal "ill-read and half-educated,"
[From pages 144-147 of Martin Gardner's collection of essays: Did Adam and Eve have Navels?]
I want to ask what gives Stanley Aronowitz the right to criticize Sokal. Sokal has very good bone fides. He's been published in prestigious journals. He's even been published in the journal Social Text!
What are Aronowitz's bone fides? Oh. He's probably been published in Social Text; a journal whose co-founder admits it publishes articles by people who are "ill-read and half-educated." This would seem to suggest that Aronowitz too is "ill-read and half-educated."
The ancient comedy The Clouds by Aristophanes indicates that the character Strepsiades visited a sophist to learn so much rhetoric that he'd be able to get out of paying his debts.
Reputedly the sophist's response was roughly "Sure, I'll teach you! But for this you pay in advance."
Appearing to serve on a jury is the price we pay for living in a civilized society.
Dealing with lawyers is the price we pay for appearing to serve on a jury.
Therefore, Dealing with lawyers is the price we pay for living in a civilized society.
Therefore, I want a refund!
If I want to talk about a play to friends I could say "You remember Oscar Wilde's play The Importance of being Ernest?" or "You remember Moss Hart's play You can't take it with you?"
However if I can't remember the playwrite's name then I probably should say "You remember "the guy who wrote Waiting for Godot's play Waiting for Godot?"
"The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself."
Oscar Wilde"...the importance of a physical law is not how clever we are to have found it, but how clever nature is to pay attention to it."
Reputedly a U.S. President, when once asked about a controversial issue, responded "some of my friends are for it and some of my friends are against it... I stand with my friends."
"The city is beautiful, (but) life is hard."
(English translation)
My Tai Chi instructor was making a big point of reminding us to experience a 'coiling' sensation. One of the students asked why he had been concentrating on this particular term so much.
The Instructor considered and then explained that he had found the word and thought it was concise and useful. He'd use it for a while and then, when people were inured to it, he'd find a new term to expose people to.
"In other words," I commented, "it's just a phrase he's going through."
He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not, is a fool. Shun him.
He who knows not, and knows that he knows not, is a student. Teach him.
He who knows, and knows not that he knows, is asleep. Wake him.
He who knows, and knows that he knows, is a leader. Follow him.
(Paraphrase?) of Don J Unwin, (1918- )
Also attributed to Omar Khayam, 13th century philosopher (poet)
Also attributed to Bruce Lee
I asked a friend, "How are things going?"
"Oh, Metza-metz.
"OK. ...Say, Metza-metz, what language is that any ways?"
"Italian, I think."
"Itaaalian?" I asked, incredulous.
"Sure. What's the matter? Aren't you multi-linguini?"
Years after the American Revolution, King George abdicated and retired. To keep himself amused he had five clocks which he tried to adjust so they kept exactly the same time.
After a year of finicky tinkering with them he threw up his hands and exclaimed "How did I ever think I could get people to agree? I can't even get these stupid clocks to agree!"
Q: What do you call a Large, Low-fat, Latte made with Decaf Espresso?
A: A tall, skinny, why-bother!
One day the drummer for the Roman galley went down to the oarsmen and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. I'm going to give you the good news first: Today is the Captain's birthday. To celebrate you will all have tomorrow off."
"Horray!" said all the oarsmen, "Now what's the bad news?"
"Today the Captain wants to celebrate by water skiing."
It was a cricket match and the #11 batter was up (worst on his team) and it wasn't going well. Even the opposing pitcher was irritated. As he walked past the batter he insultingly demanded, "Why are you so Fat?"
Immediately the batter replied, "Because every time I make love to my wife, she gives me a biscuit."
It's a very good retort. There's not much you can say back to that. Then I looked again and realized I had misread the quote, what the batter actually said was "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
Nikita Khrushchev, to his son, on the Soviet Space Program, 1961
We have nothing to hide: We have nothing, and We must hide it.
I originally found this quote as a chapter quote in Seeing in the Dark by Timothy Ferris.
Before enlightenment, cut wood, carry water.
After enlightenment, cut wood, carry water.
Zen Proverb
Before CTM, give speeches, listen to evaluations.
After CTM, give speeches, listen to evaluations.
Toastmaster Proverb
I didn't buy the book on being neater...I knew the first thing I'd do was throw it on the floor with my other books to be read.
I bought a book on overcoming procrastination...but I haven't gotten around to reading it yet.
I bought a book on improving your memory...but I forgot where I put it.
We were standing in my boss's office while he tried to get his computer to do something basic that it didn't want to do. In frustration he muttered, "It's driving me crazy..."
I turned to the co-worker next to me and commented, "It's driving him crazy, and we're in his car pool!"
How many Tai Chi students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the light bulb and three to stand around saying "That's not how we do it in my school."
If you change "Tai Chi Student" to "Toastmaster" and change "School" to "Club" it will still fits pretty well.
Another comment on Tai Chi: The more things stay the same...The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
I went to a Sushi Bar and watched the Chef prepare a California Roll. He put down the screen and the wrapper, filled it with rice and cucumber and sprinkled on sesame seeds and rolled it up. He dipped his knife, cut the roll in half, put the two halves side-by-side with the cut end at the same end, re-dipped the knife and cut in thirds. Then he arranged the pieces on the plate. He looked at them, reached to re-arrange them, stopped short, considered some more, reached again, stopped, gave up on getting an artistic arrangement and threw it out and started over. It would have tasted fine. I wouldn't have noticed the difference (I'm not some zen master Sushi eater who can taste the artistic difference). But the Chef had been trained to be artistic, he knew the difference, and he cared.
I was looking through the newspaper and there was an article with artist conceptions of the proposed replacements for the World Trade Center. I looked at them, turned to my mother and explained the story (above) about the Sushi Chef and pointed at one of the artist's renditions. "That one," I said, "the Sushi Chef would have thrown back."
If you aren't part of the solution then you are part of the precipitate.
O.K., that's kind of a chemist's joke. So here's another:
Test for whether a person is a chemist:
Ask them what a mole is.My mother was in New York when her witty brother-in-law told her "see the lions in front of the New York Public Library? Well they may look like statues but they'll let out a great roar...whenever a sober Irish man walks past."
My mom thought this was a great story and later innocently asked him to repeat it to her father...her brother-in-law's proper Irish father-in-law. ut-oh.
He thought fast and quickly explained that the lions in front of the New York Public Library will roar whenever an honest politician walks past!
Now that's thinking fast on your feet!
The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards - and even then I have my doubts. -Eugene H. Spafford
Very memorable, in fact it's my favorite quote about the insecurity of any computer, unfortunately the author wasn't as memorable and I had to look it up.
After the first folio of Shakespeare's collected works was published someone counted the number of distinct words: 27,000
Someone also counted the number of distinct words in the King James translation of the Bible: 7,000
This means that Shakespeare knew more words than God, inventing them if necessary. Of course, God was busy inventing other things, like Shakespeare!
Do you know why 50% of all marriages end in Divorce?
Because the other 50% end in death!
I worked with a man who proposed to his girlfriend...on the second date! We all advised, "Don't do it!" As Table Topic Master I explained this situation to an experienced Toastmaster who looked like he'd been successfully married for some time and asked what he would advise this young man. He answered, "Marriage: It's not that bad!"
Somehow this does not make me feel sanguine about the institution of matrimony.
On the web people often have distinctive 'quotes' that are automatically added after their name to describe there personalities. Here are some of the more interesting ones:
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Not your typical iconoclast.
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
I was visiting another Toastmasters club. I got off the highway, looked around and didn't see any signs of civilization.
There were some trees and grass, but there were no stores here.
There were no buildings here.
There were no signs there.
There were no lights there.
To be blunt, there was no 'there' there!
I was called to appear for jury selection and like a good citizen (a good citizen who doesn't want to be arrested) I showed up. So eventually I was sworn in and being questioned by the lawyers (a process called Voir Dire) to see if I'd be a good juror for the case (i.e. in their opinion likely to agree with that lawyer). I'd been waiting all day to be interviewed, it was after lunch, and this was at least the second day of jury selection. They had me sitting in the witness' chair, and I was starting to sweat. And they noticed and so I explained that I had seen too many Perry Mason episodes and the chair was making me nervous.
The judge, who doesn't have much to do with this part of the process but has to be present looked up and commented, "In all my years on the bench I've yet to see a case finished in one hour with time out for commercials."
To which I replied, "we can't even choose a jury that fast."
"I wouldn't touch that one with an eleven-foot pole, which is the pole I reserve for things I won't touch with a ten-foot pole."
"I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well."
Phil Steinmeyer* likened developing a computer game to a NASA Space project:
"The final
product always seems to take twice as long, cost four times as much, and
have a one in five chance of exploding".
Sounds like developing a speech to me!
*= writing for Computer games No. 132 Nov 2001, p 99
The Royal Aircraft Establishment at Farnborough, circa WWI, named their first airship 'The Mayfly'. It didn't.
One day a Samurai was out and was suddenly charged by a tiger. Turning he ran as fast as he could, the tiger gaining, until suddenly he found himself at a cliff. Trapped by the charging tiger he jumped off and managed to grab the branch of a tree. Looking down he saw a bear climbing up towards him to attack him. Overhead he heard the tiger growling. Looking level he saw a ripe strawberry growing on the side of the cliff. Trapped between a bear and tiger, hanging by one hand from a branch, he reached out and ate the strawberry.
As we travel through life running from tigers, stalked by bears and hanging by one hand from a branch over a cliff, do not forget to stop and eat the strawberries.
Carpe diem.
Recursion: n. See Recursion.
Circular definition: a definition that is circular
"Excuse me, I'm cixelsyd today", rather than "I'm dyslexic today".
I've got some good news and some bad news for you.
What's the bad news?
The bad news is that the good news is going to piss you off.
How do you put six elephants in a Volkeswagen Beetle?
You put three in the front seat and three in the back.
I once received an email: "I just wanted you to know our email system is down..."
It was very useful: when I got it I knew their email was back up.
A designer's job is to make it difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the repairman.
(because if you do it the otherway around you'll soon be out of business.)
A specialist goes on learning more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.
A generalist goes on learning less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything.
One of the world's greatest magicians, a past master at the art of prestidigitation and an expert on card tricks was giving a lecture. After the lecture a young and very enthusiastic amateur came up and talked to the master. He told him how honored he was to meet the older magician. How impressed he was. How great he knew the man to be. Then, trying to impress the great man with his standing even though just an amateur, he bragged that he knew 200 card tricks. How many tricks, the amateur asked, did the master know?
"Oh, about seven," answered the master.
The difference is that the amateur did the same trick each time; the master realized it.
The young, rather brash, martial arts student has set out on a great quest. And he has encountered an older blind traveler who seems to know everything that is going on. The older man tries to teach the younger important lessons he'll need for his quest, but the younger man can't seem to comprehend the lessons.
Finally the younger man complains "Talking to you is like talking to a wall!"
"Buddha sat down before a wall. When he stood up he was enlightenment."
"GASP! You dare to compare yourself to the Buddha?"
"No. A wall."
"The best way to make a speech is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to keep them as close together as possible."
When Senator Christopher Dodd gave his commencement address at my college he began with some advice he had been given:
"There is no such thing as a bad short commencement address."
The sixteenth century mathematician Cardano was rather nutty. He liked to inflict pain on himself, for one very good reason...it felt so good when he stopped.
"All you need is ignorance and confidence, then success is sure."
"Courage is resistance to fear - mastery of fear, not the absence of fear."
"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry."
"When I was a boy of 14 my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learnt in seven years."
"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."
"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who can't read. "
"There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars. "
"There is a word for a person who has no fear."
"A daredevil?"
"A fool."
"The Russians have a word for a person who borrows books forever, but I can't think of it."
"In English we call them 'acquaintances'."
Once when Paul Hindemith, composer of very modern music, was rehearsing one of his especially dissonant compositions, he interrupted the orchestra, saying "No, no, gentlemen. Even though it sounds wrong, it's still not right."
When my son Jordan was graduating from Navy boot camp, parents were anxious to see their sons and daughters after what for most people had been the longest separation in their lives. When the ceremony began, the guest speaker noted that he'd had a conversation with a fellow officer regarding the topic to address. "What should I talk about?" he'd asked his colleague.
"Considering the families haven't seen their recruits in nine weeks," the officer replied, "I'd say about two minutes."
Someone once asked Hemingway what actual, concrete things harm a writer. Hemingway fatalistically replied:
"Politics, women, drink, money, ambition. And the lack of politics, women, drink, money and ambition."
Walter Cronkite's first Full time reporting job was as cub reporter for a Houston newspaper. He worked under an editor named Roy Roussel who taught Walter the importance of being accurate even in details. If people noticed a mistake, and every mistake was noticed by someone, they would never trust the newspaper as much. This erosion of trust was bad for the respect of journalism.
That editor would call Walter up in front of the desk and demand that he defend any possible inaccuracy "The competition says this witness spells his name S-M-Y-T-H, you spelled it I-T-H. Which is right?" or "They say it happened at 1412 Main Street, we published 1414. Which is right?" Whenever the editor corrected a reporter his expressive eyebrows told how important it was
One day the editor called up Walter looking particularly upset. The previous night's 'bank clearances' (the sum of all bank transactions for the day) had been wrong. Even in those days, just after the depression, in Houston this was a value like $3,729,156.27 and Walter had published it wrong. "It was 17 cents last night, you published 27 cents. How do you explain this?"
Young Walter Cronkite was disheartened to be chewed out so for a ten cent error. As he went back to work all the older reports told him things like "You're in the soup now" or "Maybe you better think about getting out of town." Walter had already been there a few months so it was past the normal hazing period; and the reporters' expression showed they were serious.
After work he stopped by a bar where all the newspaper men went after work and someone greeted "Hey, where's your bodyguard?" Walter finally blurted out "What's so important about a 10 cent error in a 3 million dollar figure?" The other reporters were amazed by Walter's naivety and finally explained. "Don't you know why we print the Bank Clearances? Do you think anyone cares about the Bank Clearances? We publish it because the local numbers racket pays off on the last five digits. And they don't like anyone tampering with their numbers!"
For the next few weeks, wherever Walter went, he was sure he was being stalked by hit men.
When my mother was growing up there was a man down the street who had the thickest Irish brogue you ever heard. But it turned out he was an immigrant from Finland.
Why did he have an Irish accent? Because when he came to America he learned how to speak English from the Irish who were already here!
An engineer who was learning to play golf took a class in how to putt. When it started the pro asked him "what is the most important thing to remember when putting? "
The engineer replied "Getting the ball in the hole."
"Yeah, right" grunted the pro, obviously expecting something more specific and asked the same question of the other students, getting replies like "keep your head down" or "hit the ball squarely."
After a bit of lecturing all the students lined up and took a practice swing under the watchful eye of the pro...and every one of them missed, until the engineer came up and easily tapped the ball in.
I guess "getting the ball in the hole" is the most important part!
A Tai Chi instructor was one day asked by a student "how do you get so low when doing 'Snake Creeps Down', which I'm sure you can imagine involves getting fairly low to the ground and is usually followed by the complaint 'and can't get back up'.
Pointing to the colorful socks which were revealed by his low tai chi shoes he replied "it's an optical illusion caused by my green socks."
What's interesting about this response is that it is in fact an optical illusion caused by the fact that 'snake creeps down' looks much lower when someone else does it than when actually being performed but has absolutely nothing to do with the color of his socks.
So a 'Green Sock Answer' answers the question but includes parts added that have nothing to do with the reason.
A man soloing in a balloon for the first time was having a difficult time and got completely lost. He descended to a lower altitude and called to a passing stranger "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The passer-by called back "In a balloon, about thirty feet off the ground!"
The balloonist called back angrily "You must work in data processing!"
Surprised the passer-by called back "You're right. But tell me, how did you know?"
The balloonist answered "Because your answer was technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
Irritated the passer-by calls back "You must be a manager."
Surprised the balloonist responded "You're right. But, how did you know?"
"Well", says the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Two nuns are sent to Europe to inspect the schools there. They are driving into Transylvania just as it gets dark and suddenly this very small vampire, in 'bat' form, crashes right in the middle of the window and sticks there hissing.
"What do I do?" asks the nun who is driving.
"Turn on the windshield wipers" answers the second nun, "They'll knock him off the window."
So the first nun turns on the windshield wipers "Whap, Whap, Whap" and they start spanking the vampire, but they don't knock him off.
"It didn't work. What do I do now?" asks the first nun again.
"Turn on the windshield washers. I filled them up with holy water before we left the Vatican" answers the second nun.
So the first nun turns on the windshield washers and they spray the vampire which starts to smoke. And the windshield wipers are still going "Whap, whap, whap" spanking the Vampire. But the vampire is still hanging onto the middle of the windshield hissing like mad and getting really angry.
"It didn't work. Now what do I do?" asks the first nun becoming alarmed.
"Show him your cross" answers the second nun.
So the first nun rolls down her window, sticks out her head and yells "You settle down or I'll get out my ruler!"
In ancient Rome, as today, the big money to be earned was as a professional athlete. Unfortunately the sport was Gladiators not basketball, and playing the lions was a lot more literal. And the big money was mostly in the form of life insurance payoffs!
But there was one Gladiator who kept winning over the lions. Even the Emperor came to watch. In each match the lion would bound out and be just about to devour the Gladiator when he'd whisper something in the Lion's ear and the Lion would slink back to his cage with his tail dragging in the dirt.
This impressed the Emperor so much that he offered the Gladiator his freedom if he'd tell what he said to the Lion. So the Gladiator walked up to the Emperor and whispered in his ear what he always told the Lion "you realize that after you've eaten, you'll be expected to speak."
Lucky for that Gladiator he never met a Lion that attended Toastmasters!
Everyone's an editor!
A plumber in New York discovered that he could remove clogs in pipes very easily using hydrochloric acid. He was very proud of his discovery so he wrote a letter to the Bureau of Standards bragging about his idea.
At the Bureau of Standards a chemist was given the job of sending a reply to the plumber. So he wrote "While the efficacy and expediency of hydrochloric acid as a clog remover can not be denied its excessive corrosiveness mitigates and argues against its use."
The plumber read this reply and sent another letter to the Bureau of Standards telling them of his wonderful method of clearing clogs.
This time an engineer who worked with the chemist wrote the reply. He wrote "That your proposal is effective is not to be questioned but the deleterious side effect of noxious corrosion and detrimental injury is excessive."
This reply did not move the plumber either, who sent back a third letter describing his wonderful discovery.
This time the chemist and the engineer discussed it and decided that the only thing to do was send it to a higher authority, so they sent it to their supervisor. The supervisor read all the letters and dictated the following reply: "Don't clean pipes with hydrochloric acid, it eats the h*** out of them!"
The plumber immediately sent a reply "Why didn't you say that in the first place?"
One day a duck walked into a feed store and asked the clerk "got any duck food?"
The clerk rather nastily replied "NO, We don't have any duck food. I don't like ducks. Get outta here!" So the duck left.
Next day the duck walks into the same feed store and asks "Got any duck food?"
The clerk again tells the duck "NO, We don't have any duck food, we don't like ducks, we'll never have any duck food, get out of here!" So the duck left.
The next day the duck comes back again. Hardly has he had a chance to ask if there is any duck food when the clerk again insults the duck. This time the clerk ends with "And if you ever come back here again, and ask me for duck food, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" So the duck left.
Next day the duck comes back but this time he asks a different question. "Got any nails" asks the duck?
This confuses the clerk, who as a feed store clerk is hardly ever asked for hardware items, so much that all he answers is a simple "No".
The duck smiles and says "gooood ... Got any duck food?"
The Boss was upset that so much time was being lost answering the phone. So he decided to hire a receptionist who would lie and tell whoever called that the person they wanted was out of the building
But none of the applicants did the job the way the boss wanted. So he called a big meeting of all the best problem solvers in the company to figure out how to find the right person for the job.
They reported it was easy: Instead of a receptionist he should advertise for a disceptionist
Once upon a time two lumberjacks who were perennially arguing about who was better and faster at cutting down trees decided to settle it by having a contest. Whichever of them could cut more cords of wood in one day would be declared the winner and fastest axe in camp.
Very early the next morning both 'jacks got up early had a hearty breakfast and began cutting wood. The first logger cut steadily all day taking no breaks even to pant or wipe off the sweat and by the end of the day was completely exhausted But he'd cut the astonishing amout of 6 cords of neatly stacked wood.
The cook who was the judge was very impressed and just as he was about to declare him the winner the second logger came back and demanded to have his load of wood measured before declaring the winner. When they went over to where the second man had been working they found 11 cords of neatly stacked wood and the second man was immediately declared the winner.
The first logger congratulated winner and asked if there was an explanation of how he'd cut so much wood, so the first logger could learn from the experience.
The second logger said it was easy. In every hour of the contest he'd worked for 55 minutes and rested 5.
The first logger was flabbergasted "I don't understand, I worked straight through, no breaks, never stopping. How did taking breaks make you faster?"
"Well, it's easy" explained the second man, "while I was resting I sharpened my axe!"