Dalbor Sudwell

Of course, I could have made the heading of my cogitation longer, but in the good, time-honoured tradition of the International Civil Service I always craft my articles with concise, pithy, terse precision. I endeavour that every sentence is a model of grammatical correctness and every word a beauteous gem set in an article that goes straight to the point, without unnecessary loquacity, repetition or digression. Every paragraph has to be honed in short logical sentences to emphasise the meaning of the message and, at the same time, delight the reader's eye. All that is a result of my long-standing (or should I say long-sitting?) experience of writing memos and preparing documents within the family of the United Nations.

It is now twenty three years since I joined International Maritime Organization (IMO). At that time IMO was still called IMCO, Inter-Governmental Maritime Consultative Organization. This name tended to create a slight problem with my friends when they inquired where I worked. If I said just IMCO they asked "What's that?" If I spelled out the name in full they got bored before I finished the mouthful, and some of them even nodded off.

Then, at the beginning of the exciting eighties, IMCO - ironically - lost the "sea" and became IMO. We also moved to a new building on the bank of the river Thames. Here, for spiritual succour, we have as a neighbour the Archbishop of Canterbury in Lambeth Palace, and farther down the road the St. Thomas's Hospital, which is a great comfort for all the IMO hypochondriac staff members. And those in terminal desperation can, conveniently, just cross the road and (unless they are run over first by the heavy traffic) jump into the river.

Not that anybody has yet reached that state of extreme hopelessness. On the contrary, everyone in IMO seems to me happy and content and as pleased as Punch. And there are nearly 300 of us in this organisation, so that's a full punch-bowl of us. And we all have that nice feeling that we work for the common good of the world. We act with determination and extreme selflessness.

In some quarters people doubt our selflessness. But how otherwise would you explain, for example, the fact that IMO supports the endeavours to mitigate the global warming phenomenon. Surely it would be in our interest to let the polar ice-caps melt and let the lowland regions in various parts of the world get flooded: there would be more seas for us to watch over and it would increase our prestige. And, indeed, not only IMO as an institution works so selflessly but an overwhelming majority of its staff individually do the same. They surely would welcome a warmer climate; they loathe the prevalent cold, wet and windy British weather and would much rather stroll in the shade of palm trees on the banks of the Thames.

However hard each individual staff member works there is no end to problems to be solved, tasks to be tackled, lunch breaks to be taken. There is not enough time or capacity, even with the most dedicated staff, to tackle some subjects at all. Take an example: the burning question of the day is the human rights and the animal rights. I believe our Maritime Legal Division will soon have to deal with this problem, especially with regard to mermaids. Will the human or animal rights apply in their case? Or will it be half and half? If somebody kills a mermaid, cooks and eats her, will it be treated as a case of cannibalism? Will it only be a half-murder deserving only a half-life sentence? Will it count within the quotas of the European Union's Common Fishing Policy? All these unanswered questions surely merit a special attention of our maritime lawyers. And hard working as they are they will have to find time to tackle this legal conundrum with all due urgency.

It is a nice feeling to be one of that diligent, hard-working, selfless number, always ready to put one's back into it, though never fully appreciated or rewarded. For nearly 23 years now I have been committed, as a Finance Officer, to unliquidated obligations, debits and credits, and budget over/under spending. It is a great responsibility. Every project budget has to be vetted and discussed with the appropriate project officer. And one has to ensure that everything is in accordance with the Organisation's Financial Rules and Regulations. But I also try to be guided and inspired in my work by even higher authorities. As a Christian, I often take my cue from the Bible. Just recently I gleaned in one of the newer translations of the Good Book this pertinent warning: "It is better to meet a mother bear robbed of her cubs than to meet some fool with a stupid project." (Proverbs, 17:12). So fellow Finance Officers, beware!

Now after 23 years in the services of IMO, my days are nearly numbered. The time is not far off when I shall call it a day and retire. It will not be easy. My life will change. The whole lifestyle will have to be adjusted. And all this change comes at a very awkward age - I am now too old to be a swinger and too young to be a dirty old man.

When I was young I was full of ideals. Have they come true? Mostly not, I am afraid. I dreamed, for example, of becoming one of the idle rich. Rich? With the UNJSPF pension, though reasonable as it is going to be, I won't be able to call myself rich. It will keep me in some comfort though, I hope. I shall be able to splash on an occasional bottle of bubbly and to finance a regular supply of Viagra.

And idle? Certainly not! I shall never have enough time to spare, I have so many plans. First of all, I plan to live to be a hundred, that's nearly four decades of merry life of gardening, eating and drinking, dancing, visiting girlfriends, travelling and, in later years, learning how to operate a Zimmer frame.

But, at last, I hope to have enough time to practise my piano playing which I abandoned as a young man all those years ago. I have always wished to be able to play a tune without people running away and blocking their ears. Well, I may succeed now. I may perhaps take up some other musical instrument, too, and learn how to play it. I always admired xylophone. Who knows, I may even become the founding member of FIXA - Fellowship of Implacable Xylophone Admirers.

Oh, those will be the glorious times of the autumn of my life. Wish me well - but not yet! There are still two years of expenditure reports and budget revisions to go before that golden age arrives.

Once upon a time the government had a vast yard in the middle of a desert. Congress, worried that someone might steal from it at night, created the job of "night watchman", a GS-4 position, and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?" So it created a planning position and hired two people, one to write the instructions, a GS-12, and one to do the time studies, a GS-11.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So it created a quality control position and hired two people, a GS-9 to do the studies and a GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So it created positions for a time keeper, GS-9, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people to do those jobs.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all these people?" So it created an administrative position and hired three people, an administrative officer, GS-13, an assistant administrative officer, GS-12, and a legal secretary, GS-8.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget; we must cut back overall costs." So it laid off the night watchman.

FICSA: BE PART OF IT.

"SO MUCH OF WHAT WE CALL MANAGEMENT CONSISTS OF MAKING IT DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE TO DO THEIR WORK." PETER DRUCKER