Busy times indeed for that saxy somnambulist Kenny ZZZZZZ. Mattress industry sources report that the King of Gratuitous Sax will be teaming up with catatonic keyboardist Yawni for a nation-wide concert tour. Sponsored by Sealy Posturpedic and Pepto-Abysmal, the Sedation Nation tour will target nursing homes & skating rinks. In addition to playing selections from each artist's collection of non-hits and complete misses, the two are said to collaborating on a updated version of a Tchaikovsky classic which they have named "Sleeping Booty." Terrified observers report that the song combines the ZZZZZZmeister's one-note exhalation drone with Yawni's balless, bombastic classicism, into a monumentally painful work, best appreciated by those who are no longer living. To further the Tchaikovsky theme, the song is conceived of as a dance piece, with Yawni's current arm decoration Bo Derek, and Kenny ZZZ's generic non-celebrity wife providing the sacred Booty. Plans to release a recorded performance "Live at Atlantis" were shelved when the two performers learned that the legendary city never really existed. A rehearsal performance at the Skate King in Everett, Washington has thus far been completely ignored by the public, leading the duo's mangers to rename to tour "Bo Derek Nude with 2 Geeks."
Similarly slow sales for the John Tesh/Michael Bolton "Two Foreheads" tour has led to speculation that the four most lame artists in the history of popular music may combine forces as the Fatuous Four in an attempt to stave off complete irrelevance. One industry insider reports of difficult negotiations being conducted to combine the two tours: "First off, Bolton is jealous because he is impotent. He wants the Bo Derek dance number deleted from the set because he is unable to muster an appropriate masculine response. For Bolton , the song just advertises the fact that he can't find a girlfriend. Also, Tesh will be unable to make some of the dates because he has laser surgery scheduled to remove that hideous, pus-filled blob that sits on top of his neck." Nonetheless, most observers expect that mutual shared desperation will force the four artists together, at least for this one tour.
A music industry source who drives a BMW summarized the feelings of many observers: "If the Fatuous Four do tour together, they should change their name to Toe Fungus, i.e., an annoying minor irritation that just won't go away." Kenny Zzzzzzzzzz in particular seems to have worn out his welcome among most sentient beings. The Sedation Nation/Fatuous Four/Toe Fungus tour follows closely upon the heels of his participation in the disastrous 3skin reunion tour. The legendary regressive rock group, comprised of Kenny Zzzz, Ennui, Lust Hemingway, and Johnee Jupiter, is a known risk factor for florid psychosis. Their failed tour is not worth discussing, although we do just that elsewhere in this issue. However, they did record a performance video of their only song Stairway to Cleveland, which elevated Peg, a curiously unmarried 312 pound secretary/exotic dancer into temporary celebritydom. The tobacco industry is currently suing 3skin, charging that mass audience suicides during the reunion tour eliminated their target market.
© 2001 Dennis and Charlotte Hayes