1999 Financial Report for Satyrist.com aka Satyrist Publishing Entity aka My Hobby
Physical Year 1999 followed a pattern familiar to long-standing stockholders of the Satyrist Publishing Entity: a total and utter lack of sales, revenue and, of course, profits. Zilch, Nada, Zippo, Null Set, Void, Total Financial Vacuity---you no doubt get the picture. As we continued to follow the brilliant strategic path originated by Amazon.com, e-bay, etc., we frankly stumbled somewhat in our pursuit of these eeeeeebiz mega-trendies,as we were again unable to match the astounding losses registered by these Internet superpowers. Accordingly, we hope to markedly increase our expenses during the coming year. As for our revenue projections, I cannot provide you with a specific number since zero is, after all, not a number. All of this is in preparation for our much-anticipated IPO, hopefully to be underwritten by that same bank that did such a fine job with the Russian Mafia.
To keep our "income" statement firmly in the red, we are instituting a page-wide policy of rigorous revenue containment. Indeed, here at the Satyrist Publishing Entity we have formulated a zero tolerance policy for revenue of any sort. First, we will have zero revenue from subscription sales because we have no readers (computer misclicks not withstanding). Secondly, we will have zero advertising revenue because no firm (reputable or otherwise) will waste their marketing budget on a web site with no readers.
On the expense side of the ledger, we have decided to apply the wildly successful Netscape pricing strategy to the world of recreational drug use. That's right, we plan to distribute cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine and organized religion to our readers, while making our "profit" (haha) on paraphenalia and legal referrals. Minors, of course, will require parental consent.
Speaking of our fellow moral relativists in the legal profession, we also look forward to mounting litigation expenses, as we continue to defend ourselves against a veritable mountain of frivolous lawsuits filed by thin-skinned celebrities and other human waste. Did you know that Frank Sinatra was gay? That Barry "Man"ilow is straight? That Michael Bolton was once alive? It requires a taste for libel and a staff of trained barristers to maintain our commitment to you, our non-existent reader.
As our non-existent readers have long noted, content is a non-issue at The Satyrist. We cultivate a benign neglect of our non-existent readers (based philosphically on their demonstrated non-existence) derived logically from Random Walk Theory. An article in The Satyrist begins as an incoherent collage of verbs, nouns, adjectives and guttural ejaculations, hurled thoughtlessly onto the page, and sporadically edited by an old fart who sleeps in my back yard. Periodically, the collage will spontaneously form sentences, sentences form paragraphs, and, inexorably, another issue of The Satyrist is born.
As the much-heralded, arbitrary, and irrelevant Millenium approaches, we at Satyrist Publishing Entity will continue to pursue our dream of the Perfect Zero: zero readers, zero revenue, zero credibility. But as always, it is your apathy and, indeed, your non-existence which will enable to follow the path trailblazed by other internet legends. The Satyrist: Thanks to you, we are pitiful.
© 1999 Charlotte & Dennis Hayes