That's right folks: Kenny ZZZZZZZZZZZZ , the King of Castrado Saxophone, The Sleepiest Man in Show Business, is behind in his alimony patients! His new court-ordered album Born to Be Mild features tepid, half-assed version of hard rock classics. A travesty in point is the title track, an Awshucks I'm Just a Total Idiot remake of the Steppenwolf biker classic Born to Be Wild. The Zzzzzzzmeister sputters on endlessly, occiasionally inadvertently playing a note or two of the song's famous guitar riff. As an acknowledged master of the musical Negative Space, the song features long gaps of silence, interspersed with periodic, spasmodic bursts of sneeze-like sounds. During an extended solo, the Zzzzzzzman's improvisational roots show as he "grooves" like a real "hepcat"---holding one note (reportedly D-) hostage for nearly 30 minutes. As the song ends, we hear LAPD battering down the doors of the studio to rescue the terrified note.
With the title track somnambulating along for nearly 45 minutes, the Deacon of Drone needed to butcher only one more classic rock song to satisfy his contractural obligations. The final selection, Iron Butterfly's "Inna-Godda-Da-Vidda," was reportedly chosen to highlight the Zzzzman's willingness to do absolutely anything for a buck. Eschewing the help of other, presumably conscious, musicians, Kenny opted for a One Man Band approach. The resulting saxophone & bongo arrangement sets new standards for monotony and incoherence. Always the inventor, Kenny developed a set of "castrado bongos," which he plays during the song's legendary fortnight-long drum solo. The bongos, which closely resemble the Zzzzman's withered, cirrhotic testicles, bang arythmically against his already overworked anus, to produce sounds notable only for their utter lack of musicality. Judging by the extraneous sounds picked up by the studio microphones, one surmises that, in this case, Kenny's artistic muse was powered by a nasty case of lactose intolerance.
Energy and vitality are the essence of any classic rock song. Why then, would any remotely sentient musician record versions of those same songs which are totally devoid of the very spirit which made them great in the first place? One can only wonder the proverbial "What's Next?" Well, instead of recording new versions, the Zzzzmeister could simply record castrado solos directly onto classic recordings. Why not start by desecrating the work of a legendary jazz musician---say Louis Armstrong? Would even Kenny ZZZz sink that low?
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©: 2001 Dennis and Charlotte Hayes