Gates Gives Investors Something to Nibble On

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was back in the spotlight yesterday, announcing that dental floss will  be tightly integrated into the forthcoming Windows ME Edition. Gates, his insincere Jimmy Carteresque smile  illuminated by huge, luminous canine teeth , waxed effusive as he extolled the virtues of his latest bundling "innovation:"

"Our business model requires a massive extraction of wealth from consumers---not unlike the procedures performed by dentists on those who fail at basic oral hygiene. With the increasing irrelevance of Windows in the Internet era, we faced the commoditization of our sacred cash cow. We felt the only solution was to integrate an essential aspect of oral hygiene into our operation system.  As always, we intend to use our strategy of Borrowed Innovation to ingratiate ourselves with the American consumer, all the while reducing the number of burdensome & confusing product choices available to them."

In a separate, unrelated statement Microsoft President Steve Ballmer announced  the acquisition and simultaneous liquidation of Johnson & Johnson, heretofore the world's largest producer of conventional, stand-alone dental floss. Ballmer denied that the twin announcements indicated a continuation of Microsoft's well-documented anti-competitive behavior.  "We are simply responding to the needs of our customers" screamed Ballmer,  "And they are demanding seamless Internet connectivity while they floss."  Ballmer continued,  fresh, bubbling hemoglobin dripping from his massive bicuspids as he munched contentedly on a rare African impala:  "We have always considered floss to be an integral part of the O.S. When  reminded by a reporter that dental floss predated the Windows O.S. by several decades, Ballmer pounded his chest, scampered up a nearly tree, and began throwing coconuts at the assembled press.  

Ballmer then turned the podium over to Habib H. Habib, Chief Technology Guru.  Habib, his gap-toothed smirk belying his humble origins, described the massive R&D effort underlying the floss initiative. "The common thread in all our efforts," he stated, "was to make flossing as robust and reliable as Windows 3.1."  Our patented Oral Navigator Tool Bar scans the user's mouth, noting cavities, plaque, and bits of cellophane. Then a individualized flossing plan is bussed to our PalmFloss hand held unit via a U.S.B. connection. The PalmFloss unit can be disconnected from the computer, at which point it becomes completely worthless.  Floss thickness, angle of attack, and strike rate are adjusted to maintain the profuse gingival  bleeding recommended by the American Dental Association." When a reporter questioned whether tethering floss to a desktop computer lessened the consumers "Freedom to Floss," Habib smirked, spewed a small particle from his oral cavity towards the offending questioner, and offered this pronouncement:  "You can floss wherever you like---as long as its within 2 feet of a Windows computer."

Ballmer then swung back to the podium, dangling precariously from a branch of the coconut tree.  His final, again unrelated, announcement on this hectic day was Microsoft's acquisition of the American Dental Association, which then gave its vaunted Seal of  Approval to the PalmFloss unit.

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