F.D.A. approves 24 continuous release sedative
Developer predicts that television may soon be obsolete
Bowel Pharmaceuticals, makers of Pepto-Abysmal and Egomycin has announced plans to market Comatab-SR, the world's first 24 hour sedative. The action follows an announcement by the F.D.A., which approved the drug after a cursory review of incomplete, inconclusive data from a small, poorly-controlled study of six Bowel executives, all of whom claimed to suffer from severe, inoperative Wakefulness.
"Conscious, waking life is terrifying," states Bowel CEO Skip 'Elwood' Hammer III. "Ambiguity, Uncertainty, the oppressive, unrelenting Heaviness we feel every goddamn day---all these conspire to make wakefulness a real-life horror show, from which all of humanity desperately desires to escape. At least that's what my wife says. God, I wish she would go back on Prozac."
Hammer continued: "Traditional sleeping pills merely offer a temporary, band-aid solution to the problem. They may indeed induce a deep, restful sleep for 6-8 hours--but then what? Sadly, a return to real-life, sixteen or so hours of sheer unremitting terror, before Almost Dead time returns. No other pill deals with the fundamental problem: that being awake sucks. Comatab-SR, as its name implies, induces a near-coma sleep. REM sleep is completely suppressed, so that no dreaming can occur (dreams can be painfully similar to reality) and, for married men, there will be no bothersome erections."
Current research is centered on whether Comatab-SR can be used to combat Wakefulness Syndrome, a chronic psychiatric disorder associated with extended, daily consciousness. According to CEO Hammer: "The onset of consciousness can be slow and insidious. It creeps into our blissful sleep so gradually that we often don't recognize it until we are in the midst of a full-blown waking episode. And, although waking life is terrifying enough by itself, the worst is yet to come. Inexorably, we find ourselves thinking, working, planning, learning and other symptoms associated with the Wakefulness Syndrome." Experts contend that being awake can be as addictive as crack, with some misguided souls actually bragging about how little sleep they get!
Interestingly, television was originally developed in the 1940's by medical researchers trying to re-sedate a population that had grown accustomed to war-time activity levels. Although originally considered a panacea, television proved to have bothersome side effects. Most common was Paradoxical Stimulation (commonly seen among Baywatch viewers), where the broadcast actually caused excitement and/or bothersome stains, instead of the desired Coma of Contentment. "We expect Comatab-SR to quickly become the treatment of choice for the Sedation Nation ," states Hammer, "Although television may still be used as an adjunct treatment for the hard-core reality addict."
Comatab-SR will be administered using the company's new, patented Colonic Injection System. A chain of drive-thru Proctology clinics is being developed to handle the expected high demand. At a cost of $500 per colonic dose, the new miracle drug will only be available to the idle rich and those on welfare. The middle class and working poor populations, as always, will simply have to suffer.
