Over the years, aging baby boomers have grown accustomed to seeing their favorite musical groups disband, rehab, and reunite, only to "permanently" disband once again in an endless and increasingly pathetic cycle . Most recently this trend was continued by the legendary Regressive Rock Stupor Group, 3skin. Although the public explanations given for such reunions often seem somewhat contrived--do we really believe that four people who hate each other are reuniting for some reason other than money?---the 3skin revival set new standards for venality. Given that the band had recorded only one song, the infamous "Stairway to Cleveland," it was difficult for anyone to argue that a revitalized artistic muse was powering this unwanted reformation.

The announcement of the We Eat For Food 2000 Reunion Tour was met with scorn and scepticism by the entertainment industry; an attitude that proved well-founded as the catastrophic tour progressed.  Now with the tour and related stage protests finally finished, the editors of The Satyrist sat down with 3skin's primary sperm donor, Lust Hemingway, to survey the wreckage.  With the help of "Doctor Hemingway" we were able to perform a post-mortem on this most cadaverous of reunion tours.  As is his custom, Lust  was frank about the financial motivations that leave most aging rockers groping for excuses.

How did the reunion tour get going?    Some producers from MTV called me.  They were producing a special segment called "None Hit Wonders"--devoted to groups who had never had even one hit record. We of course qualified, since we recorded only one song, and it was panned and banned throughout the civilized world.  However, as you remember, I have a doctorate in Multi-Level Marketing from Altered States University as well as remarkable powers of persuasion.  After a slick Power Point presentation by a couple of gals named Bubbles and Marilyn, I convinced the execs to change the concept to "One Song Wonders."  Since we were the only band to have such a short recorded history, we ended  with a one hour special devoted exclusively to 3skin.

Was it difficult getting all the guys back together again?.    As always, I experienced a moment of blistering insight, after which they were all quite easy to find. After the failure of his beach  movie,  Endless Bummer, Ennui was proudly destitute.  I found him at the local bankruptcy court, kneeling and whimpering before a throroughly repulsed judge.  Our reunion tour provided  just the revenue plan Ennui needed to avoid the death penalty.  Or maybe he wanted the death penalty.  I was never quite sure. Anyway, after the Whimpering Wonder was forcibly removed from the premises, we headed over to Traffic Court, where Kenny ZZZZ was facing a charge of Driving While Unconscious.   The ZZZZmeister's clueless, indescriminately perky wife had wheeled him into court on a gurney and was desperately defending her Meal Ticket.  She demanded and received a "jury of his peers," and the ZZZZman was acquited when the twelve comatose jurors were unable to reach a verdict. Though elated, she was perfectly willing to release him to me; in return I got her a job doing topless Power Point presentations. Finally, in another improbable coincidence usually reserved for really bad movies, our drummer Johnee Jupiter was AT THAT VERY MOMENT nominally present at a hearing in Mental Health Court.

Is it true that you convinced the judge to release Johnee from his indefinite confinement?  Yes, another epiphany in the Hemingway canon.  Johnee is legendary for his problems with authority figures, and was unwilling to respond to the judge's questions with simple "yes" or "no" answers.  We hammered out an agreement whereby Johnee was able to answer using vulgar body movement and disgusting bodily functions.  J.J., hirsute, malodorous, and naked except for his shackle-and-straight-jacket ensemble, answered "yes" by standing on his head and wiggling his genitalia toward the judge. "No" was indicated by a simple  mammalian fart. Using this impromptu body language, I had J.J. free in a matter of minutes. He was ecstatic, exhausted and, for once in his life, completely out of gas. He insisted upon driving us home from the courthouse, and soon we had collected numerous dents, a massive police escort, and several helicopters full of television news reporters.   Except for the fact that I'm literate, I felt just like O.J. Simpson!  All this free publicity got the We Eat for Food Tour  off to a fabulous start.

Where did you get the financing to do the Stairway performance video?   More of my multi-level marketing mojo.  Bubbles, Marilyn, and the ZZZman's wife used their considerable talents to persuade MTV to fund the video as a promotion for the One Song Wonders special.  Unfortunately, I spent almost all of our money buying Johnee's meds, so I couldn't afford the necessary bevy of dancing  girls. Also, the stage we were using to film could only hold 312 pounds!  Our financial problems dictated that instead of three 104 pound super-models, I had to settle for one 312 pound secretary---the abominal Peg. Of course, with her corpulence oozing all over the stage like Kentucky-Fried  Lava Flow, there was no room for the rest of us, no matter what we weighed. So the entire video for the glorious 3skin reunion consists of this enormous Atkins Diet Poster Child wiiggling around like a beached whale. Then, the unexpected expense of having her air-lifted out of the studio put us way over budget. I was so broke I had to hand-sew the tears in my Spandex.

Audience Mass Suicide was common on this tour.  Was that something your planned? That was Ennui's idea--his only idea, I might add. Our entire concert consisted of seventeen consecutive versions of Stairway, and we were looking for  a really hot encore to increase the energy level even further.  I suggested an eighteenth version of Stairway, perhaps one where we held a tempo and all played in the same key. Unfortunately, Johnee Jupiter has difficulty maintaing the amphetamine level in his bloodstream, so by encore time he was only capable of an occasional random thud on his bass drum.  Since we were musically incapacitated, we let Ennui do one of his pretentious "drone poems" to end the show. For the audience, many of whom wore ugly clothes, this was the final insult. By the time Ennui finished his ninety minute Ode to a Dying Turd, there was blood everywhere---even some of our  roadies joined in the fun. It felt like we were conducting auditions for an all-junkie version of Hamlet.  Exit polls indicated the self-immolation was the most common cause of death, followed closely by working for a large corporation.

Apparently, the resulting live album sold zero copies!  Well, dead people don't buy many records, do they?  If we had sold just one copy, then it would have shown up on Napster, and we could have sued those bastards for millions.  Dead people are generally technologically savvy and prefer on-line music distribution.   

Were you suprised that Peg has become the Disposible Celebrity of the Moment, whereas the reunion tour failed so miserably?    The failure of the tour is the fault of everyone except me.  How could I conduct a successful tour with Kenny, Ennui, and Johnee sleeping, whining, and farting, respectively, while I tried to do a quality show?  I performed my stage role as the Shallow Aging  Exhibitionist to perfection--my Spandex was tighter  than a celebrity facelift. Peg offered to tour with us, but only in return for "certain favors"---yuck!  So her temporary fame was of no use to the crumbling Heminway Empire.  Am I suprised by Peg's celebrity?  She is simply a role-model for the typical American, the fattest, least-active people on Planet Earth.  In contrast, my Greek Satuesque beauty is apparently intimidating to the common rabble. And I might remind you that I, doctor Hemingway, gave Peg her first starring role in Escape from Monogamy Jail .

You insist upon calling this tour "record setting."  What record did you break?    This was our eighth reunion tour, thus beating the Who by one .  But this is no time to rest on our laurels.  Recently, Neil Diamond released his 15th version of "Sweet Caroline."  As soon as I obtain funding I intend to reform 3skin once again, and we will record "Stairway" over and over until we haven beaten the Solitary Man's record for most versions of the same song by one artist. And someday, I want to outsell the Beatles....

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