------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is so true! - They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

----------------------------------------------------------

Evolution of British maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

--------------------------------------------------

A Message from John Cleese

Only He can.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, now you know what to do in the supermarket if you are a little bored..

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to

get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she

loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from

the local Tescos.

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a

commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to

ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Woodward are listed

put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

to go off at 5-minute intervals.

leading to the women's restroom.

right away.'

put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

a carpeted area.

blankets from the bedding department.

alone?'

camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

people browsed through, yelled

'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

here!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.''Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

-----------------------------------------------------------

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.

Subject: Estate planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die,and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

for a 59-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, then she asked if I'd
ever Had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
but, boy, are they funny!


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
[these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document·'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in elephant poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [Ouch!]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said,

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. .........They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,''said the Lord.
'The British government beat me to it.'

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Subject: Council Tax

WOMEN DRIVERS

Driving to the office this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Bloody Women Drivers!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black ......
were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a
conversation:

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"


The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ....
the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?

"Gonna cut my nuts off," replied the brown lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I dig up carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug
a great big hole In my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.


"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I
want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out
of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes -- and I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."


The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, cheerfully, "Hell no, I'm here to get my nails clipped

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Speeding Ticket

-------------------------------------------------------------

‘Mom, why are wedding dresses white?’ The mother looks at her son and replies,

‘Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

------------------------------------------------------------

> > Subject: FW: A heart-warming tale to brighten your day
> >
> >
> >
> > This is a quick story about the bond formed
> > between a little girl and a
> > group of building workers. It's
> > allegedly true and
> > makes you want to
> > believe in the goodness of people
> > and that there
> > is hope for the human
> > race.
> >
> > A young family moved into a house
> > next door to a
> > vacant building plot.
> >
> > One day Joe, Steve and a gang of
> > building workers
> > turned up to start
> > building a house on the empty plot.
> >
> > The young family's 5-year-old
> > daughter naturally
> > took an interest in the
> > workers. She hung around and eventually the
> > builders, all with hearts of
> > gold, more or less adopted the
> > little girl as a
> > sort of project mascot.
> > They chatted with her, let her sit
> > with them while
> > they had tea and
> > lunch breaks, and gave her little
> > jobs to do here
> > and there to make her
> > feel important.
> >
> > They even gave her, her very own hard hat and
> > gloves.
> >
> > At the end of the first week they
> > presented her
> > with a pay envelope
> > containing two pounds in 10p coins.
> >
> > The little girl took her 'pay' home
> > to her mother
> > who suggested that
> > they take the money she had received
> > to the bank
> > the next day to start a
> > savings account.
> >
> > When they got to the bank the
> > cashier was tickled
> > pink listening to the
> > little girl telling her about her
> > 'work' on the
> > building site and the
> > fact she had a 'pay packet'.
> >
> > "You must have worked very hard to
> > earn all this",
> > said the bank
> > cashier.
> >
> > The little girl proudly replied, "I
> > worked all
> > last week with the men
> > building a big house."
> >
> > "My goodness gracious," said the
> > cashier, "Will
> > you be working on the
> > house again this week, as well?"
> >
> >
> >
> > The little girl thought for a moment
> > and said...
> > "I think so. Provided
> > those c*nts at Jewsons deliver the
> > f*cking bricks.
> >

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he Fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion.

So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a

26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Howard enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

Subject: FW: A fairy tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag, and bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.

The End

Subject: The Importance of CONCENTRATION

don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O' coos Sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LITTLE BERNIE

Little Bernie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.


Little Bernie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I Was at the
playground and saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Bernie, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see
the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Bernie to tell his story. Bernie
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing

that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


Mommy fainted!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>
>>>The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an >>>appointment
>>>with the
>>>most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when >>>Paddy
>>>shows up with his solicitor.
>>>
>>>The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
>>>full-time employment, which you
>>>explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland
>>>Revenue finds that believable."
>>>
>>>"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a
>>>demonstration?"
>>>
>>>The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
>>>
>>>Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
>>>
>>>The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
>>>
>>>Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
>>>
>>>The auditor's jaw drops.
>>>
>>>Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my >>>other
>>>eye."
>>>
>>>The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
>>>
>>>Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
>>>
>>>The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid,
>>>with Paddy's solicitor as a
>>>witness. He starts to get nervous.
>>>
>>>"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six
>>>thousand pound that I can stand on
>>>one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, >>>and
>>>never get a drop anywhere in between."
>>>
>>>The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
>>>decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
>>>
>>>Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
>>>strains like hell, he can't make the stream
>>>reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
>>>auditor's desk.
>>>
>>>The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major >>>loss
>>>into a big win. But Paddy's
>>>solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
>>>
>>>"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
>>>
>>>"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
>>>been summoned for an audit, he bet
>>>me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and >>>that
>>>you'd be happy about it!"
>>>

------------------------------------------------------------------------

>Subject: FW: KIWI
>
>
>
>
>>>An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
>>>Small
>>>village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
>>>
>>>He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
>>>
>>>"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
>>>
>>>Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
>>>
>>>Dog: "Doin' all right."
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
>Villager)
>>>
>>>Dog: "Yep"
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>>>
>>>Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
>>>
>>>And takes me to the lake once a week to play."
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
>>>
>>>Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?
>>>
>>>Horse: "Cool"
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
>>>
>>>Horse: "Yep"
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
>>>
>>>Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
>>>Brushes
>me
>>>down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
>>>Elements."
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

Subject: Three Priest and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory,
he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up
and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way
to start."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mrs Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, she was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on her!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Subject: FW: Ghosts

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Golfing Truths

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: joke

>>>>>Morning sex
>>>>>She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
>>>>>He walked in; She turned and said,
>>>>>You've got to make love to me this very moment."
>>>>>His eyes lit up and he thought,
>>>>>"This is my lucky day."
>>>>>Not wanting to lose the moment,
>>>>>he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen
>>>>>table.
>>>>>Afterwards she said,
>>>>>"Thanks," and returned to the stove.
>>>>>More than a little puzzled, he asked,
>>>>>"What was that all about?"
>>>>>She explained,
>>>>>"The egg timer's broken."
>>>>>

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: joke

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>Subject: : another joke
>
>The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
>to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a
>disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me? a faithful wife,
>the mother of your children! I'm
>leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
>And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
>happened".
>"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
>me!"
>And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
>lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
>out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
>noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
>dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
>compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you
>last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
>weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good
>clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her
>clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
>needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few
>years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her
>the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear
>because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you
>for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those
>boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
>work has a pair like them.."
>
>He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
>understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
>tears in her eyes and said 'Please. do you have anything else that your wife
>doesn't use?

Subject: Beer

Beer contains female hormones:


Last month, National University of Michigan scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.


Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down to urinate.

No further testing was considered necessary.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>
>>> Mandy lost her husband almost four years ago and
>>> still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is
>>> constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the
>>>world. Finally,
>>> Mandy says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
>>>immediately
>>> replies: "Mum, I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an
>>>immediate hit.
>>> They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks
>>>her to join him
>>> for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she
>>>undresses as he does.
>>> There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties,
>>>he in his
>>> birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
>>>She
>>> replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
>>>explore, but
>>> down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting
>>>lucky that night...
>>> The following night the same scenario. She's standing there
>>>with the black
>>> panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...
>>>
>>> Except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and
>>>asks: "What's with this black
>>> condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>
>>>Subject: FW: INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE - SMILE!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
>>>
>>>
>>>There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone".
>>>So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and
>>>asked
>>>everyone not to call him Onestone.
>>>
>>>After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
>>>said, "If
>>>anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
>>>around
>>>and nobody called him that any more.
>>>
>>>Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>>>morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep
>>>into the
>>>forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
>>>love
>>>to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>>>
>>>The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
>>>do.
>>>Years went by and
>>>no one dared call him by his given name until a
>>>woman
>>>named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
>>>many years.
>>>
>>>Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
>>>saw
>>>Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>>>
>>>Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
>>>love
>>>to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
>>>the next
>>>day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
>>>die.
>>>
>>>
>>>What is the moral of this story?????
>>>........................OH, come on...take a guess!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Think about it
>>>(You're going to love this!)
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>And the moral is...
>>>
>>>You can't kill two birds with one stone!
>>>

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"NEW NUDIST"

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes

over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way

with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge,

hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?"says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you

fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month...............but I fart 15 times a day."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> > A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so
> > he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.,"I am going golfing
> > tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take
> > care
> > of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"
> > "Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
> > The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
> > Paddy, how was your day?
> > Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
> > "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
> > "Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
> > "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Gaviscon
> > "Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
> > doctor.
> > "Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
>enters.
> > Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything
> > including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading
> > her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
> > "Good God says the doctor.What did you
> > "I put drops in her eyes!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rules of Being a Man

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you’re next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood

---------------------------------------------------------------------

How tough are Aussies??

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire
flickering,stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia,
one from South Africa and one from New Zealand.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous, the night of
Tales begin...

Keven the Kiwi says:

"I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the
other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of
the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the
crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer
hends".

Alan from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said:

"Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a
tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a
move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head
off then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm
still here today".

Terry, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his
Penis.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>> Nelson Mandela
>>>> Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a
>>>>beer when
>>>> he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is
>>>>confronted by a
>>>> little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You
>>>>Sign!
>>>> You sign!"
>>>>
>>>> Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
>>>>
>>>> Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the
>>>>Chinese man
>>>> starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
>>>>
>>>> Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong
>>>>man", and
>>>> shuts the door in his face..
>>>>
>>>> The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he
>>>>opens it,
>>>> the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
>>>>pads. He
>>>> thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose, yelling, "You sign!
>>>>You sign!"
>>>>
>>>> Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes
>>>>the
>>>> little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got
>>>>the
>>>> wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his
>>>>face again.
>>>>
>>>> The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
>>>>afternoon, he
>>>> hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there
>>>>is the
>>>> same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,
>>>> shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large
>>>>trucks
>>>> full of car parts..
>>>>
>>>> This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the
>>>>little
>>>> man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want
>>>>these!
>>>> Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you
>>>>have to
>>>> deliver these to?"
>>>>
>>>> The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his
>>>>clipboard,
>>>> and says:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> (It's a beauty)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> (Wait for it)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> > Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
>>>
>>> >
>>> > I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in
>>>Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me
>>>asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting
>>>The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
>>>up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
>>>I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
>>>my orifices and Ivs in both arms.
>>> >
>>> > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
>>>the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot
>>>nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
>>>food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
>>>
>>> >
>>> > I have to mention here that practically everyone in
>>>the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
>>>behind her.
>>> >
>>> > Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital
>>>in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was
>>>because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
>>>
>>> >
>>> > I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he
>>>was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>>> >
>>> > Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

The following is an actual question given on a
university of Washington chemistry mid-term; the
answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which I of course, is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle¢s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed).

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate at which they are leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different Religions that exist in the world
today, most of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa,
(Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during
my Freshman year that,
"it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you",
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night
and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, Teresa kept shouting

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>
>> >How to deal with rude customers
>> >
>> >
>> >For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers
>> >
>> >An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in
>>Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
>>when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
>> >
>> >A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had
>>been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long
>>line of inconvenienced travellers.
>> >
>> >Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
>>slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
>> >
>> >"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
>> >
>> >The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
>> >you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll
>>be able to work something out."
>> >
>> >The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
>>passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
>> >
>> >Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
>>address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your
>> >attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
>>If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
>> >
>> >With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
>>glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
>> >
>> >Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit).................
>> >
>> >
>> >"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> >
>>> >I think tis is a little sexist!!
>>> >
>>> >How to Make a Woman Happy
>>> > It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs
>>>to be:
>>> >
>>> > 1. a friend
>>> > 2. a companion
>>> > 3. a lover
>>> > 4. a brother
>>> > 5. a father
>>> > 6. a master
>>> > 7. a chef
>>> > 8. an electrician
>>> > 9. a carpenter
>>> > 10. a plumber
>>> > 11. a mechanic
>>> > 12. a decorator
>>> > 13. a stylist
>>> > 14. a sexologist
>>> > 15. a gynaecologist
>>> > 16. a psychologist
>>> > 17. a pest exterminator
>>> > 18. a psychiatrist
>>> > 19. a healer
>>> > 20. a good listener
>>> > 21. an organizer
>>> > 22. a good father
>>> > 23. very clean
>>> > 24. sympathetic
>>> > 25. athletic
>>> > 26. warm
>>> > 27. attentive
>>> > 28. gallant
>>> > 29. intelligent
>>> > 30. funny
>>> > 31. creative
>>> > 32. tender
>>> > 33. strong
&