I would like to share with Friends this morning my experiences of learning a particular way of communicating. It is a style of communicating which encourages me to always keep in mind how I am and what would make life more wonderful for me; and to be aware of how the other person with whom I am speaking is feeling and what would make life more wonderful for them. I find daily that I both benefit from this style of communicating, and that I am reminded of how much practice I need. I also find that God is generous in providing me with opportunities for such practice.

I am interested in a certain quality of connection between myself and other people. It is a connection which I believe is in keeping with Jesus' teachings of compassion and non-violence. It is also a connection which I have spent most of my life trying to identify and articulate.

As a young adult I experienced confusion when others would ask me how I was feeling. The standard societal response was, and probably still is, "Fine". As that response did not meet my need, I determined through careful analysis over a lengthy period of time, that whenever I was asked how I was feeling, I would respond by saying "With my senses", by which I meant my sense of touch. As you probably can imagine, such a statement was received with substantial amusement, most of the time, particularly among my family members. But there was the occasional frustrated response because the individual asking me the question had a need or sincere desire to know my state of well being.

My desire during much of my life has been to analyze and evaluate a situation, and identify correct solutions. This skill has proved helpful to me in my career working with computers. But there was a certain quality of connection with people that seemed to not be included in this process.

In more recent years, several events have occurred which have provided insight for me regarding my understanding of both the teachings of Jesus and of my relationship to other of God's children. A year or two after my partner, Judith, and I first met, we had one of our many wonderful conversations concerning faith. In that conversation, Judith used the phrase "Jesus' gospel of compassion and non-violence". This was a remarkable experience for me because for the first time I had a way to articulate exactly what I had thought, felt, and experienced regarding Jesus in my life.

A few years later during meeting for worship here one First Day morning, someone spoke regarding discipleship. Again I recognized another articulation had been given to me. Identifying myself as Christian had always left me with mixed feelings. The term Christian is used by many people to mean many different things. I can now identify myself more clearly as "One who seeks to be a disciple of Jesus' gospel of compassion and non-violence."

So I became even more aware of two main themes in my life, one which had been formative in every area of my life - non-violence, and one which I had been aware of but the application of which seemed to allude me - compassion.

About this same time, I had the opportunity to take a workshop based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg who has established the Center for Nonviolent Communication. I found that during my life I had learned a style of communicating with others based on evaluations and judgments, thereby identifying who (or what) was at fault, who was right, who was wrong. Marshall states his belief, with which I agree, that our natural way of communicating with one another is with compassion. Marshall also wondered why it is, if our nature is to be compassionate with one another, that so often we get involved with games with one another which are not compassionate at all.

The following is a paraphrasing of some of Marshall's findings regarding Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication. Marshall found that there are certain ways of thinking and communicating which make it more difficult for us to stay with our nature of compassion, and we thus quickly become involved in a variety of coercive, violent activities with one another. Marshall has chosen to identify this style of communicating as Jackal language. It is Jackal like in that it nips and bites at people.

Thus any kind of analysis or judgment of people gets in the way of compassion. Any time that we think of another person in a Jackal way, that we have a thought in our head that the other person is wrong, incompetent, or inappropriate, we greatly reduce the likelihood of getting our needs met in relation to the other person.

There are people who do not get caught up in Jackal, who stay with compassion no matter how difficult the conditions. Marshall refers to this style of communication as the language of the heart, or more generally as Giraffe language. Giraffe because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal.

People who speak Giraffe have a different quality of honesty. An honesty from the heart instead of from the head. They say what is going on in the heart, without implying that other people are wrong, bad, etc.

When we turn our consciousness to the other person's well being, they can sense that we are genuinely trying to connect with how they are. When they begin to trust that their well being matters to us, our well being starts to matter to them. Connection in a compassionate way then begins to be possible.

Nonviolent Communication is, then, a way to keep this exchange of information going between ourselves and other people until we arrive at the point where we can contribute to one another's well being willingly, without fear, guilt, or shame. It is a way that the parties involved can agree to act on the behalf of each other's well being, and to do it joyfully and willingly.

This past week I viewed the movie "Dead Man Walking" with the Thursday evening worship group. Much of the film's events occur on Death Row in the Louisiana state prison. In one scene, Sister Helen Prejean appeals to God for strength because, as Helen said, "...its so cold..." As I understood the scene, Mary was articulating that which was subtly, or not so subtly, apparent. Mary was referring to the way the guards, the warden, the system, related to the condemned prisoner, to her and others, and to themselves. They had disconnected from compassionately relating to the prisoner. The disturbing coldness not only dehumanized the prisoner, but also those who imprisoned.

I was reminded how Jackal language obscures our consciences of responsibility for our actions. When we attribute responsibility for our feelings and actions to other people, it is then easier for us to do anything to anyone. Witness the acts of genocide in history, up to and including our current time. Jackal is also a way of thinking in terms of "I have to", implying no choice. Why did I have to? Superiors' orders. Company policy. It is the law. So it becomes possible for even quite nice people to behave in an enormously brutal and callus way when we are trained not to be conscious of the responsibility which we have for our actions.

I observe some very disturbing teachings of Jackal language. I think the most disturbing is observing parents teaching their children. I recall in particular the mother who yells at her 18 month old daughter "Get out! Get out now!", and "Get up! Get up now!", continuing to yell at her daughter even after the baby begins to cry. And this pattern of training continues month after month, and I fear year after year -- the natural compassion with which we are born bludgeoned into unconsciousness.

But, I am also warmed by observing the use of the principals of Compassionate Communication, even hundreds of years ago. When I was traveling by train to Chicago this last February, I took the opportunity to begin reading for the first time "The Journal and Major Essays of John Woolman", a Quaker activist from the mid-1700's Pennsylvania area. As I read John's journal, I was aware that John practiced compassion in his connections with others, and with himself. This was evident in his visiting and communing with Native Americans, speaking among Friends and others on the concerns of holding and trading slaves and of war taxes, and in business transactions concerning the writing of wills which included the distribution of slaves as property.

Before closing, I am remembering the pain and struggle in this Meeting over the past year. I observed a number of occasions when individuals shared from their heart about the conflict and I felt happy because I value people being able to connect in this way and I would that we could always hear one another so clearly.

In closing, I share Judith's and my introduction to Compassionate Communication which began with an evening workshop several years ago. I was intrigued enough to want to take the Saturday workshop which followed it; Judith was not. Later, Judith was expressing her frustration to me about something neither of us can now recall, and she was doing it in the language we had both learned all too well, the language of Jackal. She remembers my asking her for a moment of silence while I formulated my answer and then I hesitantly and on "very wobbly baby giraffe legs" made my first attempt at speaking the new language. She remembers that she was profoundly impressed because she felt heard and understood more than ever before. She decided then, that if there were other opportunities to take a workshop on this "language of the heart", she would do it. Since then, Judith has participated in workshops with Marshall Rosenberg in San Francisco and in Atlanta and we both have availed ourselves of all workshop opportunities here in the Twin Cities.

In being able, now, to more easily give ourselves empathy by checking in to see how we are feeling and what we are needing, we have become aware that we have a tool for experiencing greater inner peace, and we feel grateful. Also, we experience a stronger bond with each other as we more frequently communicate our frustrations and sadness without blaming or judging.

Each of us can tell of moments in our lives where someone who was only aware of feeling anger, felt gratitude and greater peace because we spoke the language of giraffe with them. Such is the power of this model.

I am, therefore, glad to share with you that workshops in Nonviolent Communication will be held at the end of July, and I encourage you to take a flier from the table in the hallway. I feel grateful that the opportunity to receive this gift is being made available to you, my faith community family, because I trust that it will be as valuable a gift to you as it has been to me and to Judith. (end)