To Be or Not to Be: The Crossdesser's Dilemma

Everyone knows these words from the famous soliloquy of Hamlet. Shakespeare's play is so famous because it addresses a universal theme. Stated essentially, Hamlet's tragic plight was to face an incredibly difficult dilemma--one so complex and difficult that it defied rational resolution. Hamlet had to decide whether to kill Claudius, his uncle, who had murdered his father, married his mother, and usurped the throne, or not to kill him-- both choices being unacceptable.

Hamlet's universal appeal occurs because his conflict so closely resembles what occurs in every person's life: being confronted with a situation where all alternatives courses of action are radically unacceptable.

As crossdressers (and transgenders) we easily see how this applies. We desire to be more feminine. To dress as women. Perhaps to even take feminizing hormones. Yet we also want to hold onto our masculinity. In some ways compromise is possible, but in others it is not. (Do you want breasts? Are you willing to become sterile in order to obtain them?)

Nothing written here aims to bring you any closer to solving this dilemma. That is not the purpose. The purpose is to change how you view the dilemma.

The experience of Hamlet is universal. It is an essential part of the human condition. Every person living, or who ever has lived, has grappled with one or more dilemmas equally difficult. The problem is the basic human condition, not crossdressing/transgenderism. Please be clear on that.

In case you haven't noticed, life mostly sucks. Personally, I am an optimist. But I'm a realist too, and the evidence that life serves far more frustration than happiness, and often with glaring irony (as if to say "in your face!"), that one cannot easily avoid a conclusion the conclusion of some design or intent behind it.

Life is difficult. That does not mean it is all bad. But it does mean we cannot afford to cling to childish illusions or beliefs in Fairy Tale endings. Most of all, it means we must be serious in our approach to life. We must be serious. We must understand that there are many pitfalls, and expect that, unless we make active efforts to avoid them, we will likely fall into them.

I believe in a devil. I don't know the details, but suspect the devil is partly repressed parts of the self, partly some externalization of the negative parts of humankind collectively, and partly an independent, spiritual entity. Of course, I also believe in a God. Sometimes it appears that the devil has free reign over the events of our life. But I doubt that is true. True, we often wonder why God seems to let "bad things happen to good people." But I don't think God intends to work by preventing bad things from happening. Rather, I think God works by making sure that the bad things are not more than we can handle.

In any case, whatever this devil is, I believe its goal is to ruin the human personality--to make a person give up, to utterly lose faith. And the devil will do precisely what is needed to accomplish that. One characteristic strategy is to allow us to become far more worried about things than rightly should be the case. Such is a basic weakness of human nature--to "make mountains out of molehills." And the devil skillfully exploits this weakness, by needling us with petty difficulties, especially in circumstances where we are likely to overestimate their importance. Knowing this, we must learn to expect and handle such harassment when it occurs.

One thing that strikes me most strongly about the psychology of crossdressers is how conflicted and confused they feel about their dilemma. Many absolutely agonize over their condition and choices. If you believe nothing else I say, believe this: do not agonize! As Hamlet shows, it is a natural part of life to be confronted with seemingly or actually insoluble dilemmas. But consider: nobody is pointing a gun to your head and saying "Decide now or else!" There is no pressure on you to make an absolute decision, except the pressure you put on yourself. In theory, you could spend the rest of you life never reaching a conclusion. Further, even if you could somehow decide this issue, most likely another would develop to take its place.

You may be uncertain, undecided, and perplexed. But that is not cause to agonize. One agonizes only if they feel that (1) things can be otherwise (they cannot) and (2) that introspection and rumination will lead to a solution (they will not). Do not agonize. Neither should you feel especially confused. True, you don't know exactly how to proceed. But that is not confusion. No, you know exactly the state of affairs: you are a person experiencing a dilemma for which there is neither a clear solution, nor an especially clear strategy for obtaining a solution. If you can see and accept that, and realize that you can go on about your life in most ways despite this, then you are not confused.

Accept the inevitably of dilemmas such as this and you will be much happier. Take prudent steps to clarify you path. But do not expect that these steps will always work; certainly that they will not work immediately. In this matter you can be expected only to try (but make not mistake, you *are* expected to try) but not necessarily to succeed.

I disagree with Hamlet when he speaks of suffering the "slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune." It is, specifically, the word "suffering" I dislike. The slings and arrows do sting, but suffering implies something more. An animal can feel pain; but is not generally spoken of as suffering. That is because when we feel pain, we ask difficult questions: When will the pain end? Why must I endure this? What is going on here, surely it is wrong that I must suffer this pain? Such questions vastly increase the distress. That is what I understand by suffering.

So we cannot choose to avoid outrageous Fortune. But we can choose to minimize the pain; to let the sting pass quickly. Not to suffer.

The devil delights in seeing us flounder in doubt and confusion. Knowing that tells you how to proceed: acknowlege the dilemmas, but do not let them frustrate or upset you; keep your life on course. Learn to recognize when you thoughts and feelings about you dilemma have passed the point of being productive and become destructive. Notice the point when this occurs; with practice, you will become better at it. And when you do, simply stop thinking about it. Remind yourself that worrying about such things is the real problem. Distance yourself. Patience, it is said, is the foundation of all virtue. Do not be impatient to solve your dilemma.

While the devil may have his own reasons preciptating and exaggerating our dilemmas, God, likley has other motives for letting them happen. Most people work assume that there is a meaning to life, that it is their task to discover it, and that life will become much better once they discover it. I will be completely honest and tell you what I think is at least part of what is going on. People are intentionally presented with dilemmas in their life. But the purpose is not to get them to make this or that choice, and in so doing promote moral development. Rather, I think the point is to awaken ones realization of the futility of trying to resolve such dilemmas--to reach the point where they are no longer interesting and merit no thought or attention. At that point one becomes a more spiritually mature human being.

A state of conflicting desires is a necessary consequence of the animal part of our minds. As long as we identify with our animal natures, we will be in a perpetual state of dilemma. The only solution can come from transcending that part of our nature. How this happens is much to broad a subject to take up here. But 90% of it is summed up in one word: meditation.

The same idea applies to dilemmas associated with the relationship between a married crossdresser and his spouse. A relationship, to the extent that it is grounded in human feelings and emotions, will similarly experience apparently insoluble dilemmas ("Do I accept crossdressing by my husband or not?"). And similarly, the best response is not to try to resolve the dilemmas, but to change how one views them. A marital "crisis" of this nature requires spiritual growth by both partners. It must evolve beyond the more material, animalistic, youthful attraction, to something grounded on more enduring and meaningful principles.