Learning that your son wears female clothes can be disturbing. Because there's not much good information for parents about this on the web, I feel I should offer some suggestions.

I offer the following as opinion. Please get other points of view too.

Definitions

Here are a few definitions:

Transsexual. Transsexuals have gender dysphoria. This means they are very unhappy as a male, sometimes unable to function socially as one. They often believe that they are a "female trapped in a male body"--even from a young age. Some transsexualism might be an extreme form of crossdressing (see definition below). But sometimes it may derive from differences--not fully understood--in brain structure. Transsexuals frequently, especially if gender dysphoria is extreme, live as a woman and use surgery and female hormones to achieve a female anatomy.

Crossdresser. A crossdresser is like other boys--with the exception that he likes to wear female clothing. Crossdressers do not feel gender dysphoria. They are mostly comfortable being a boy. A crossdresser may have a desire or fantasy to be a girl. But, unlike a transsexual, this is not felt as a need, nor does the crossdresser believe he already is a girl. Crossdressers are usually attracted to women, often marry and have children, and may limit their crossdressing to a part-time activity.

Transvestite. This term is mostly synonymous with 'crossdresser'.

Transgender. Transgenderism is an umbrella term for people who have an interest in being, dressing, acting, or living as a member of the opposite gender. Transgendersism subsumes crossdressing, transsexualism, and transvestism.

Intersexed. This term describes people with biological traits of both sexes. A small percentage of children are born with poorly differentiated sexual organs, or sometimes with both testes and ovaries. Other children are born with anomalous genetic conditions. For example, their cells may have an XXY sex chromosome pattern (in contrast with the usual XX pattern for girls and XY pattern for boys). Another condition is called Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS). This makes a male's cells not respond to natural testosterone. Such boys are genetically male, but develop, partly or completely, to resemble females in outward anatomy (but do not develop female reproductive organs).

The comments that follow apply only to crossdressers. If your son adamantly insists that he *is* a girl, or is severely unable to function in a male social role, perhaps he has gender dysphoria. In that case, consultation with a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist may be required.

If you think your son is intersexed--if he appears distinctly female, is strikingly short and weak compared to other boys, and, in particular, if he is obviously lacking in male secondary sexual characteristics at puberty (development of beard, lower voice, growth spurt, etc.), then a visit to a medical doctor may be in order.

What Causes Crossdressing?

Most likely the combination of a genetic predisposition and developmental factors play a role. The genetic disposition may include a high level of sensory and emotional sensitivity and a gentle or "sweet" disposition. The genetic factors may make such boys more susceptible to family life experiences that promote crossdressing.

These family dynamics are sometimes summarized as "the more mother, and the less father, the more female identification.' According to the classical psychological view, and 'ideal' environment to promote development of crossdressing would be:

1. A close positive bond between mother and son in the first years of life.

2. In interruption of this bond (perhaps by the arrival of another child) before the boy has matured past the need for it.

3. An absent or emotionally distant father; a threatening or antagonistic father; or a father whom for some other reason the boy is unable to adopt fully as a role model.

The original bond with the mother--and the blissful feelings associated with it--have a powerful effect on the crossdresser's personality. Crossdressers yearn to recreate that experience--usually not realizing it's origin--throughout life. They often fail to outgrow it or to organize their life around other, more mature goals.

Whether this psychological explanation is correct is the subject of debate. But it should at least be considered.

So You're Saying It's the Parents' Fault?

All families have difficulties--it is part of life. Parenting is extremely hard, and there is no way to do it perfectly. There is no issue of blame.

Is Crossdressing a Sin?

The issue is not whether crossdressing is a sin, but whether it may prevent healthy psychological development.

What Are the Problems with Crossdressing?

Are There Any Positive Aspects of Crossdressing?

A crossdresser may have a relative abundance of natural feminine qualities. There is nothing wrong with that--these qualities are independent of his male qualities. Having both male and female characteristics--such as both strength and emotional empathy--is a good thing. It is probably no coincidence that in many cultures crossdressing has been associated with priests and holy men.

A case can be made that our culture is to up-tight when it comes to men wearing womens' clothes. By comparison, women may freely wear slacks. Crossdressing might be interpreted as an appropriate admission of a man's feminine side.

Again, the mere wearing of women's clothes is not so much the issue. The issue is if this pursuit interferes with a boy's broader self-actualization.

What Can be Done?

The most important thing is to focus on his male traits.

A direct, negative confrontation with the crossdressing is problematic. In part, the crossdressing is a defense mechanism. Trying to suppress the behavior with negative emotions--guilt, shame and anger--risks embarrassing him, increasing anxiety, and making the need

A better approach is to reinforce and help cultivate his mail traits. A firmly established male identity is the best way to prevent crossdressing from becoming a problem. Note the difference between encouraging his male traits and imposing them on him. Things like forcing him to play football or other sports in order to "make a man out of him"--if that is not what he really wants--can easily make things worse. The secret is to be sensitive to his already-existing male interests, and to support them.

More fundamentally, parents must encourage a foundation of personal character that will insure his success as he faces a complex, challenging, and confusing world. Focus on helping him develop: (1) a sound sense of competence as a male, (2) an understanding of personal responsibility for his life; (3) a belief in the principles of hard work, patience, and dedication; and (4) an attitude of genuine concern and responsibility for others. If those traits are firmly established, the chances are maximized that he will outgrow the crossdressing eventually, or at least keep it something that is minimally important.

Examine Your Attitudes

Mothers should consider:

• Do you have a negative view towards men that you might have communicated to your son?

• Do you see men as weak? As undependable? As mean and oppressive?

• Have your experiences with your father, husband or brothers left you with a bad view of men?

• Are you able to respect men--to see them positively as "hunters", "protectors", "priests" and "heroes" and "chiefs"?

Fathers should consider:

• Do you have competitive feelings toward your son?

• Do you see him unconsciously as a threat?

• Are you too critical?

• Do you believe he is a weakling or a 'sissy'--if so, why? And have you considered that may be a self-fulfilling prophecy?

• How do you feel about your own life? Do you provide a good role model?

Should I Talk With My Son?

It also seems quite appropriate, if the boy has played with her clothes, for the mother to tell him he is not allowed in her closet, purse, bureau drawers, etc., on the grounds that those are simply her places and things.

If the boy is older--say in his teens, things may be more complex. A direct confrontation may be very embarrassing and could cause more problems that it might solve. If the crossdressing is only occasional, then perhaps some kind of "don't ask, don't tell" policy is really best--much in the way that many parents handle the issue of teen masturbation. Again, the important focus should be on helping the boy develop his other qualities.

If the boy has brought his crossdressing out in the open, and wishes to do it a lot, then family discussion is quite appropriate.

What if He's Taking Female Hormones?

Up until recently, these hormones were easily obtainable, without a prescription, by international mail order (the FDA is now cracking down on that). However, some herbal supplements (such as those taken by women at menopause), which mimic female hormones, can be purchased at any drug store.

In past times, transgendered boys sometimes took their mother's birth control pills because of the female hormones in them. I am not sure of the formulation of current birth control pills, but perhaps this is still done.

If you have evidence that your son is taking feminizing hormones or herbal supplements, you should speak with him about this.

What About Counselling?

If he is having clear social problems--such as being frequently and severely harassed at school--then perhaps counseling is a good idea. But even then it might be better to focus on broader issues--anxiety, security, confidence, etc.--than crossdressing per se.

For a teenage boy, again one must consider whether the counselling will do much good. Many teenagers resent having to see a counselor. Others use it as an opportunity to see themselves as "victims"--a view which, once acquired, is sometimes hard to lose. On the other hand, if the boy is having pronounced social difficulties, counseling is a good idea. Many teenagers are prone to depression--confusion, guilt, and uncertainty about crossdressing can make that worse.

Transgendered youths are potentially at a higher risk for suicide, due to the associated feelings of confusion and isolation. If this seems like a potential issue, then clearly counseling should be considered.

Care in choosing a therapist is important. Not all therapists are good ones, and not all have experience dealing with crossdressing. Be prepared to shop around. Speak with them by phone beforehand. If you do not like and trust them, find another. Your son's reaction is equally important. He needs to find a counselor he likes and trusts.

You need to find a counselor who is knowledgeable and objective. Some counselors who specialize in "gender issues" have a very lax attitude towards crossdressing. On the opposite extreme, others are highly judgmental. In general, I believe both extremes are to be avoided.

If the son is college-age or older, there is no reason to avoid counseling.

What About Prayer?

The important thing, of course, is to pray for your sons welfare and happiness: that he may develop the way that is truly right for him.

An important part of prayer is that it "disposes the mind toward what is prayed for." Here that means if you pray for him, it will help you to intuitively act in the ways that support his welfare.

Remember to pray with faith--that means trusting God to help, and believing that your prayers have effect.

Where Can I Get More Information?

The book: Gender Identity Disorder and Psychosexual Problems in Children and Adolescents by Kenneth J. Zucker and Susan J. Bradley (1995 Guilford Press) is a very good source of scientific information.