Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it? Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away. Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process. Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth. Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so..... Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Q: How many (name of a class of people) does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: (A finite positive integer) to change the bulb, and the rest to (behave in a manner stereotypical of their group) or (say something stereotypical of their group in certain situations.)
...Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists... 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
...Blondes... One to hold the lightbulb as she waits for the world to revolve around her.
...Microsoft employees... None, They just declare darkness the new standard.
... US Presidents... None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
...Tory MP's... Two. One to change it, and the other to hang himself accidently from the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens underwear and an odd shaped potato.
...Oxbridge Students... One. He holds the light bulb and the world revolves around him.
...Telemarketers... One! But, they have to do it during dinner.
...Mimes... .... ..... !
...blind men... What's a lightbulb?
...maoists... one to change the lightbulb, and half a million to chant 'defeat darkness!'
...Goths... None, they like the dark
..Vietnam Veterans.. You could never understand if you weren't there, man.
...FBI Agents... I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
...Evangelists... One. Praaaaaaaaaaaaiiisse the Lord!
...students... Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.
...mathematicians... One. He gives it to five students, thus reducing it to a previously solved problem.
...enviormentalists... 11 - one to install the new one, and 10 to lead protests about how to dispose of the old one.
...Psychiatrists... Only one, but it must really want to change.
...Psychiatrists... None. The lightbulb must change itself, steadily, over a long period of time.
...Psychiatrists... None, the lightbulb will change itself when it's ready.
...Accountants... What kind of answer did you have in mind?
...Civil servants... Fifty. One to change it, and 49 to fill in the paperwork.
...Surealists... A fish.
...Surrealists... Nineteen. One to hold the elephant, and the penguin to fill up the car with a deaf fish.
...Irishmen... Five. One to hold the lightbulb, and four to turn the ladder around.
...Strong Irishmen... Five. One to hold the lightbulb, and four to turn the room around.
...Gods... Two. One to hold the lightbulb, the other to rotate the planet.
...Policemen... None. It was not forced. It changed itself.
...Policemen... None. There never was a lightbulb.
...Californians... Five. One to change the lightbulb, and four to share the experience.
...Californians... Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
...Zen Buddhists... Two. One to replace the bulb, and one not to replace the bulb.
...Jewish wives... Only one. But it's alright, I can sit in the dark.
...Marxists... None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revoloution.
...Army commanders... 1,000,000. One to change the bulb, and 999,999 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
...New Yorkers... F**k you! Its none of your business.
...New Yorkers... Fifty. Fifty? Yeah, fifty! It's in the contract.
...men... None, men arn't afraid of the dark.
...men... None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
...Feminists... Thats not funny.
...Database programmers... Three. One to write a light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
...Honest Polititians... Both of them.
...Country and western singers...Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
...Managers... Three. One to find out if it needs changing, and two to tell an employee to change it.
...IBM employees... One hundred. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number X25BP-2JH99, multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
...Gays... Two. One to screw it in and one to say "Fabulous!"
...Professors... Only one, but he can get a research grant for it, and should be able to produce at least three reports on the outcome.
...Members of the Impossible Missions Force... Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak upto the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. This tape will self destruct in ten seconds.
...programmers... None. It's a hardware problem.
...PC engineers... None. It's a software problem.
...Unix operators... As many as you want, they're all virtual anyway.
...Students... Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
...Students... Only one, but it takes him about five years to get it done.
...jugglers... One. But there must be at least three lightbulbs.
...Nuclear Scientists... Fifty one. One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do with the old one.
...Exixtentialists... Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single reflective beacon of subjectivereality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
...Builders... I'll get you an estimate by next Thursday.
...Accountants... Four. One to screw it in. And the other three to decide whether it should be expenced now or amortized over the estimated useful life of the lightbulb, assuming no salvage value.
...ski instructors... One to do it and the others to criticise the turns!
...Presidential Family members.. Two. Hilary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House..
...bugs... Two, but how the fuck did they get in there in the first place?
...mice... Two. But how do you get them in the lightbulb in the first place?
...Lesbians... Three. One to change it, and two to talk about hoe better it was than with a man.
...Gays... One. But it takes the an entire staff of a hospital casualty department to remove it.
...Gays... Only one, with the use of some vasaline.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.