The blind school set off on their annual day outing to the beach.
When dinner time arrived the teachers decide taht it was time to 
eat. So the coach pulled into a service station.Everybody got off
of the coach to stretch their legs and admire the scenery. While the
teachers are taking the blind kids orders, one of the teachers noticed
that the group were becoming bored, so he took a  ball out for them 
to have a game of football with.(They play with a ball with a bell in it.)

The teachers start them off with a game of football on the grassy
area, then they go to get the food for the group. While the 
teachers  are at the supermarket the coach driver comes running 
in.The teachers ask what's wrong. He tells them to get back to the
group because  the students are kicking the of shit out of the morris
dancers.

This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful
woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good looking, and
very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she'd lost both
legs in an accident. This proved to be no real barrier, however; this
was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted.

They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most
attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to
another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial
moment and said, "Wait, I've got an idea that will make it better for
both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower
branch while we do it."

He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how
good the sex was. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and
gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was
preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch.
"Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with
 my daughter."
 "You did?"
 "Yes. And, I want to thank you."
 "You do?"
 "Yes. Every other guy she's brought home has left her hanging in
   the tree."

A suburban houswife came home from her bridge game to find her
husband in bed with a young woman. The wife bellowed 'What's
going on here!'

The husband said 'Now, honey, don't get excited. This girl was
hitch hiking, so I offered her a ride. She hadn't anything to eat all
day so I brought her home to feed her. I noticed her clothers were
torn so I gave her that old pair of jeans that you don't wear. Her
blouse was in bad shape, so I gave her that shirt you havn't worn 
in five years. She was barefooted so I gave her those sandals that 
you never wear. And then she asked me, 'Is there anything else
your wife doesn't use any more?''

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He
walks up to the car and sees a good-looking blonde woman is
driving, and he can smell alcohol on her breath. He says: 'I'm
going to have to give you a breathalyzer test to determine that you
are not under the influence of alcohol.'

She blows into the breathalyzer and he walks back to the police 
car. After a couple of minutes cames abck and say 'It looks like 
you've had a couple of stiff ones!'

She replies 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Pierre, a french fighter pilot takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a 
picnic by the river Seine. It's a beutiful day and love is in the air 
so Marie leans over to Pierre and says 'Pierre, kiss me!'

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's
lips. 'What are you doing Pierre?' She screams. 
'Well, my name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have 
red meat I like to have red wine!'
His answer is good enough for marie and things begin to heat up 
a bit. So she says 'Pierre, kis me lower!'
Our here rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing!' She shrieks.
'My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have white
meat I like to have white wine!'

They resume thier passionate interlude and things really start to steam
up. Marie leans over and whispers in his ear 'Kiss me lower...!'

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, sprinkles it all
over her, grabs a match and sets it on fire. 'PIERRE!' She screams,
'WHAT ARE YOU DOING!'

'My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I go down,
I go down in a blaze of glory!'

A 12 year old bot walked into a whorehouse carrying a dead frog. He
walked up to the madame on the door and said 'I want a prostitute.'

'I'm sorry,' said the woman, 'But I couldn't let someone of your age in
here.' The bou got $100 out of his pocket and slammed it dwn on the
desk. 'No problem, sir.' Said the woman. 'Who would you like?'

'I'd like a prostitute with Thrush, siphylis, crabs and Aids.' said the boy.
'Sorry,' said the woman, 'but I run a quality establishment and all my 
girls are very clean. We don't have any girls with any deseases'. The
boy got  out another $100, and slammed that down on the desk.

'Okay.' Said the woman, 'Upstairs, fist left. Thats Dirty Dedrie's room.'

Fifteen minutes later the boy came back downstairs, and just as he 
was about to leave the woman called him over. 'You must tell me why
you've come in here with a dead frog and had sex with a prostitute who
has all those deseases.'

'Well,' said the boy, 'I have just had sex with Dirty Diedrie, so I've
caught them. I'll now go home and have sex with the babysitter, so 
she'll catch them. She'll have sex with my Dad when he takes her 
home and he'll get them. When my dad gets home he'll have sex with
my Mother and she'll get them. Then tommorow morning my Mother 
will have sex wit the milkman. And he's the bastard who ran over my
frog.'

I was sitting in a restaurant at a hotel the other day, when a
waiter came in, carrying my bowl of  soup, with his fingers 
in it. I asked him:
'Why have you got your fingers in the soup?'
'To keep them warm.' he replied.
'Why don't you poke them up your ass?' I asked.
'I do in the kitchen...'

Three Irishmen worked in the guinness brewery, when one day
one of them fell in one of the vats and drowned. It was up to 
the  other men to tell his wife what had happened.

They went to his house, and his wife invited them in. They sat
her down, and told her how her husband had drowned after
falling into the big vat of guinness.

'Was he in any pain?' asked the wife.
'I don't' know,' said one of the men, 'But he climbed out twice 
to go to the toilet.'

A man was driving down the motorway one day, when he looked into
his rear view mirror and saw a three legged chicken running along
behind him. Not before long the three legged chicken was running 
along beside him.

Not wanting to be slower than a chicken the man put his foot on the
accelerator pedal and sped up to 80m.p.h. He looked out his window
and the chicken was still there. He accelerated again, up to 110m.p.h,
but the chicken was still there. He put his foot hard down on the pedal
and reache almost 140m.p.h, but still the chicken was running along
side him, not even out of breath.

Very soon the chicken overtook him, and was almost 50 metres in
front of the car when it took a sharp turn down a side road. It was
too lat for the driver to break and follow him, so he carried on to the
next turning, turned around, and went down the side road. He was
determined to discover the origin of this three legged chicken.

After about five minutes the road came to an end at a small farm.
Leaning over the gate was a farmer. The man got out of his car and
went up to the farmer. 

'Excuse me.' He said. 'But did you see a three legged chicken go past
here?'
'Ay.' Said the farmer.
'Did you see where it went?' Asked the man.
'Ay.' Said the farmer. 'I breed 'em.'
'You breed three legged chickens!' Exclaimed the man.
'Ay.' Replied the farmer.
'Why do you do that?' asked the man.
'Well' said the farmer, 'I like a leg. My wife likes a leg, and my son likes
a leg.'
'That's amazing,' said the man.'What do they taste like?'
'I don't know.' Said the farmer, 'They run so bloody fast I can't catch
them!'

A teenager walked into the chemist shop to buy condoms for
 the first time. He was going to have sex with his girlfriend for 
the first time. He walked up to the counter, and after a few 
minutes of small talk he finnaly picked up the courage to ask 
which ones he should buy. He explained to the shopkeeper 
about his girlfriend and it was to be thier first time. Eventually 
the shopkeeper gave him the ones he wanted and the 
teenager left.

Later that night he arrived at his girlfriend's house. She 
explained that they were to have dinner with her parents 
before they went out. He sat at the table and, oppisite her 
parents and they began to eat.

'Before we start' said the teenager, 'we must bless the food
that we are about to eat.
'Okay' said the father, and they blessed the food.
'Now we must bless the knives and forks that we are to use 
when eating the food'
Again, they blessed the food. As the dinner progressed the 
teenager blessed the table, the family, thier daughter, the plates, 
the desert, the coffee, the candles, the napkins and everything
else.

Just as the parents left the table, the daughter leaned 
over the table and said to the teenager:
'I didn't know you were such a devout christian.' 
'And I didn't know your father was a chemist' replied the 
teenager.

A man walked into a chemist shop and walked up to the counter. 
He asked the man serving where the tampons were, and he was
directed to the rear of the shop.

The man walked in that direction, and several minutes later he
returned to the counter with a packet of tissues and some cotton
buds.

The owner looked at him confused, and asked:
'Why did you come in here, ask for a packet of tampons, and 
get those items?'
'Well,' said the man 'Last night I sent my wife down to the 
newsagent to buy me a packet of fags. She came back with 
a packet of papers and some tobbaco. Tonight she can roll 
her own.'

A man went to prison for the first time. He was in a cell with another
man, and just as the lights were turned out in the evening he heard
somebody from another cell shout out 'THIRTY-ONE!'.

All of a sudden everybody in the cell block burst out with laughter.
Then another voice shouted 'FIFTY-SIX!'. Again everybody burst 
out with laughter.

The man was puzzled as to what was going on, so he turned to his
cell mate and asked: 'Why is it, when somebody shouts out a 
number, everybody bursts out with laughter?'

His cell mate replied: 'Well, you see, down in the prison library we
have a joke book that contains every joke ever told. And we've all
been in here so long we've all memorised all the jokes. So now,
when anybody wants to tell a joke, they just have to shout out
the page number from the book.'

The man thought about this and decided that he would have a look
at this book. So the next day he went down to the prison library and
read a few pages. He wrote down the numbers on a bit of paper
because they were so good he  wanted to tell them to the others 
later.

That night, after lights out he shouted out 'SEVENTY-SIX'. He waited
for laughter but there wasn't any. He tried another one. 'TWENTY'.
Again silence. He couldn't understand why nobody was laughing.
He asked his cell mate 'Why is nobody laughing?'

His cell mate replied 'It's the way you tell them...' 

Pm a cold winter night three homeless men huddled together for a little
warmth. In the morning the man on the right said:
  'I had a strange dream last nigh. I dreamt that  somebody was pulling
my penis.'
  'That's strange' said the man on the left. 'I had exactly the same 
dream.'
  The man in the middle then said 'I had a dream that I went skiing...' 

A man was on holiday in Spain for the first time.

One evening he went to a small restaurant just by the
side off the bull ring and he ordered his food. Just after 
he did this he noticed a man sitting on a table on the 
other side of the restaurant who was eating a dish that 
consisted of two giant meatballs covered in a rich in a 
sauce.

The man called the waiter over and asked him what this
dish was. In response the waiter told him that these were
the testicles of the bull from the bull fight. In fact every
day the restaurant served these up, and it was considered
a delicacy in these parts.

Excited by this news, the man said he would like to try 
some. Unfortunately there were none left, but the waiter 
told him that if he returned tommorow they would keep 
him some.

The next day arrived and the man walked back into the 
restaurant, and asked for the testicles from the bullfight. 
Quite soon they arrived, but the man was shocked to see
that he recieved two tiny meatballs. He called the waiter
over.

He told the waiter about the giant meat balls yesterday, 
and showed him the small meatballs that he had got today, 
and in reply the waiter said:

'I'm sorry, sir. But sometimes the bull wins...'

A man walked into a chemist to buy some condoms. He
walked up to the owner and looked at the various packages
in front of him. The owner came over.

'Excuse me,' said the man, 'but why do these condoms come in
the size packets that they do?'
'Well...' said the owner, 'You see the 6 pack. Thats for your 
Jewish man, who will have sex every night of the week except
for the sabbeth. The 9 pack is for your Jamacan, who will have
sex every night of the week and twice at weekends. The 12
pack is for your German. January, February, March...

A Very good looking man walkes into a singles bar, gets a 
drink and sits at a table. During the course of the evening he
tries to chat up every single woman who walks into the bar, 
without any luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and i mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man 
walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds 
he is surrounded by the most beutiful women. Very soon
he walks out with the two most beutiful women you ever 
saw, and left the bar, with not even enough time to finish 
his drink.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man walkes up to
the barman, and starts a conversation.

'Excuse me, mate, but that really ugly man just came in here 
and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? 
He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but 
have not been able to pull all  night - Whats going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he
does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders drinks, 
and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

An old man had a doctors appointment, and as he was a 
bit deaf, he took his wife with him.

When he got into the surgery the doctor told him to take his 
shirt off. The old man shouted 'What did he say?'. The wife 
got a little closer and yelled 'TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!'

The old man took his shirt off.

The doctor then asked him to open his mouth so he could
look down his throat. 'What did he say?' shouted the man,
and his wife leaned close to his ear and yelled 'OPEN YOUR MOUTH!'

The old man opened his mouth.

The doctor examined him, and when it was all over the
doctor said 'All we need now is a urine sample, a semen
 sample and a stool sample.' The old man shouted 'What?'.
His wife got closer and yelled into his ears 'THE DOCTOR
WANTS YOUR UNDERPANTS!'

The girls at the Convent had just come back from work
experience. The mother superior goes around the whole
class and asks the girls what they had done for the week.
Mother superior finally got around to Mary.
'I was a prostitute.' Said Mary.
'What?' Asked the Mother superior.
'I was a prostitute.' Said Mary, calmly.
'WHAT?' Screamed the Mother superior.
'I was a prostitute.' said a Mary.
'WHAT??!!!' Yelled the Mother superior at the top of her voice.
Mary spoke very slowly, ' I was a P-R-O-S-T-I-T-U-T-E...'
'Thank god for that' replied the Mother superior, 'I thought
you said you were a protestant.'

...everything was cold except the ice water.
...the hotel has started stealing towels from the guests.
...it was so big by the time you crossed the lobby you owed for 
    a day.
...when I asked for hot towls, the told me to put the cold ones 
    on the radiator.
...they advertised running water in each room, but I did't expect
    it to come from the ceiling.
...it was so dull, I sent for another bible.
...they changed beds twice a day - from one room to the next.
...if you ask for a 7.00am wake up call, they wake you up at 
    6.00 just to tell you that you have an hour left to sleep.
...I had running water in my room. Shame it never stopped.
...the hotel was advertised as 'Bed and board' - I couldn't tell
    which was which.
...I couldn't complain about the room service. There wasn't any.
...They only served three meals. Breakfast on Monday, Lunch
    on Tuesday and Dinner on Saturday.