Are men with pierced ears the best equiped for marriage as they 
have experienced pain, and brought jewelery?

Is having a mostouche like having a little pet on your face?

How did they get the air inside of a tennis ball?

Is a cult a religion without any political power?

If you want to grow your own dope leagally, should you plant a 
politician?

Are diets for people who are thick and tied of it?

Why is it, every time I lose weight, it finds me again?

Are there four food groups? Fast, frozen, instant and microwavable?

Is Edam the only cheese that's made backwards?

Should you ever fry bacon in the nude?

Does a candy a day gives the dentist his pay?

Is the best drinkers breakfast a pot of coffee and a straw?

Were Ice cream cones a sex symbol before Madonna came along?

If it tastes good, should you spit it out as it's probably bad for you?

Were belly buttons made for salad cream for when you eat celery in 
bed?

Did God make whisky to keep the Irish from ruling the world?

If alcohol is so bad, why are there more old drunks than old doctors?

Could anyone care less about apathy?

Is it true that it doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose?

Should you be nice to smokers, as they don't have long to live?

Are crop circles the work of cereal killers?

Are the Swiss Army the lukiest in the world? 500 years without a war?

In space - Do astronauts toss and turn in there sleep?

What if dracula had to go to the toilet in the middle of the afternnon?

If you stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards and got a full 
house would the other players all die?

Is "tired old cliche" a tired old cliche?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Why do they very rarely sell car boots at car boot sakes?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God took acid, would he see people?

If you go to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time, could you 
order Cornflakes durning the middle ages?

Why do people take babies on holiday? They've never worked a day in 
thier lives - they don't need a holiday.

Is an Estate agent a Lawyer that didn't make the grade?

If the Evian spring ever ran out, would the middle class become 
extinct?

Why is Ronnie Biggs called a Great train robber? He robbed one train, 
got caught, and lost all the money. He's a shit train robber.

Now Woody Allen has married his Step-daughter Soon-Yi, has he 
become his own father-in-law?

Is there no fool like a fruit fool?

Is it cheaper to steal wholesale than retail? 

If you lived in Stepney or Streatham, could you increase the value of 
your house by saying the property was in St. reather or St. Epney?

If an insect became extinct without us ever knowing about it, would it 
ever have existed?

Why do you always get a shock when you see somebody you know on
the television?

Why do we call ourselves the human race? Is somebody going to win?

Our planet is shooting through space at 67,000 miles per hour, and 
spinning around all the time. Why do we all put our faith in a mis-placed
trust in gravity?

What happened to Windows 4 to 94?

Why are we meant to pray to god before we eat? He didn't make it.

When you are going to buy a new CD or record, and you tell someone 
what you are going to buy, why do they always say "Yes, if you like
that singer/group, you'll like the album". If you didn't like that 
singer/group, why would you be buying the albumn in the first place?

Is the only difference between lawyers and peadophiles the fact that 
lawyers fuck everybody?

Is the only good use for a tie to clean your glasses?

Why do people buy expensive pens when they can biros for 25 pence?

Why do you always find biro's, but loose expensive ones?

If the good die young, is that not good for them as the good always go 
to  heaven?

If bad girls go everywhere why is it so hard to find a woman who'll have 
sex on the first date?

Do bad Satanists goto heaven and good ones go everywhere?

Why are you always late for work on the day your season ticket runs 
out?

When your season ticket runs out, where does it go?

Why are trains always on time when you are late, but always late when 
you are on time?

Is life just one big deep thought? 

If we still can't find out how long a piece of string is, how are we going to 
find out how long a rope is? 

Was Colonel Sanders ever in the army before he started making fried 
chicken?   

Do people who live in listed building have to be good at the piano?

Would the easiest way to find  nucience phone callers be to find the 
people with the biggest phone bills?

Can people give up hypnotism by smoking?

Is Hepatitis B the most dangerous of insects?

Is Hepatitis C the most dangerous place to swim?

If you saw someone drowning, and it was only 55 minutes after you had 
eaten, would you have to wait 5 minutes before diving in to save
them?

Would a  really unpopular kid at school eventually get rushed to hospital 
with 80% Chinese burns? 

If your Yoga teacher doesn't like you, would it put you in a difficult 
position?

Why is 'M' the logo for the Millennium Dome, when in Roman numerals 
2,000 is 'MM'?

Why are people so obsessed with how fast that a car can go from 0 to 
60, when they should be a lot more concerned about how fast it goes
from 60 to 0?

In a boat race, if boat number 16 is going a lot slower than the rest, 
should you really make sure it's not boat number 91 that's capsized?

Why do parents never name their children Adolf these days?

Why does fire always burn upwards? How does it know?

If a pilot drove someone mad, would he need a co-pilot?

Why do never see topless women on a topless bus?

Why is the number of time I've drunk a beer always the same number of 
times I've had a good time?

If love is blind, why is always the physical attractiveness of someone that 
makes us fall in love?

When a Lion tamer is mauled by one of his lions, why do they always say 
that they were shocked that the lion, that he'd tried since birth

tried to eat him? Why do I always think - what did you expect the bloody 
lion to do?

Can anyone explain why the x-files is so popular?

Why are they called red Indians when they are a sort of bowny colour?

Why are they called Indians when they are from America?

From the piece of history when the Greeks left that giant horse (which 
was just big enough to conceal a whole army) for the Trojans we
derive the saying, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts?", shouldn't the 
phrase have been "Beware of Trojans, they're complete idiots"?

If you joined the army, then left to join the catering corps, would you 
become a dessert-er?

Would Americans call the recent Selsey Tornado "A brief gust of wind"?

Are they searching for ice on the moon so that the next astronoughts to 
visit it could make themselves a decent Gin and Tonic?

Why do so many things floating around in space sound like items from a 
sex toy catalogue? The cassini probe, the Huygens explorer - and
don't forget the rings around Uranus.

We see many Chinese Elvis impersonators, why do we never see any 
American Confucius impersonators?

Why do they call some pubs 'free houses' as you still have to pay for the 
beer?

Is the easiest way to tell the difference between an oral and rectal 
thermometer the taste?

Do bouncers go to a special college where they learn how to be such 
twats?

We all know who painted the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, but who did 
the floor?

Does the Queen sometimes have a bad heir day?

Back in 1488 way "Ye Olde Tea Shoppe" called "Ye Brande newe Tea 
Shoppe"?

Is a man who cannot even say less than nothing a very poor man 
indeed?

Is the biggest dilemma in life when you need to have a shit, and vomit at 
the same time? Do you decide which end to put in the toilet first
because that would be what you would least like to mop up off of the 
floor afterwards?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why does the Pope wear practically the same uniform as the Ku Klux 
Klan?

How close is close?

How far is far?

If you named your child "I", could he talk about himself in the first, 
second and third person at the same time? 

To ride, or not to ride, is that the equestrian?

Do cats have to pay nine times more for their life insurance?

If spiders find it so hard to get out of the bath, why don't they take a 
shower?

Should we let women and children watch 'The Titanic' first?

Can anybody watch pornography without a pornograph?

Must the police be doing a good job as all of the prisons are full?

Do Red Indians have Red corner shops?

Could Marty Feldman ever look you in the eyes?

Why can we have darks on our cars instead of lights?

Isn't it strange that most UFO sightings are seen after closing time, by 
drunks, near airports on fireworks night?

Is Camelot, the company that runs the national lottery, the exact opposite 
of Robin Hood? It takes from the poor (who are idiotic enough to
play it), keeps something for it's shareholders, and gives the rest to the 
needy rich so they can keep listening to opera?

Do disabled people and herpes have a lot in common as they both travel 
around the world in crutches?

With odds of winning being 14,000,000 to 1, is the lottery a triumph of 
hope over logic?

To live the life of Riley, do you just have to change your name to Riley? 

People say elephants are found in Africa and India. How can anyone 
loose an elephant?

Why do they have stop signs, but not go signs?

How does a penguin scratch it's nose?

If ferrets wore clothes would they put people down their trousers?

If attack is the best form of defence, how come Germany has never won 
a war?

Why do people press harder on the remote control when the battery is 
dead?

Americans throw rice at weddings. Do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

Even when you are not wearing a watch why do you still look at your 
wrist if somebody asks you what the time is?

Why do people go to Burger King, order a double whopper with large 
fries, and then a DIET coke?

Why pinch an inch when you can yank a yard?

If a taxi driver drove backwards, would he owe you money?

If a train stops at a train station, what happens at a work station?

If you thought you were in love with a philosopher could he prove that 
you didn't, because you don't actually exist?

Why is the London Underground so obsessed with 'The gap'?

Are their only two things certain in life - Death and taxes?

When a man says he loves a woman until the end of time, does he 
usually mean closing time?

If you tried to smuggle cocaine into Ireland in a condom would they 
confiscate the condom?

Are Michael and La Toya Jackson the same person?

Whenever the weather men on TV say there is going to be really bad 
weather, they always say don't leave your house unless the journey is
necessary. Isn't every journey necessary?

Why did they have an inquest into Ayrton Senna's death? He drove his 
car at 200 m.p.h.in to a wall - is it not obvious what he died of?

If football is the peoples game, how come neither you nor I can get paid 
£30,000 a week to play it?

Do they make lemonade from fizzy lemons that come from fizzy lemon 
trees in fizzy orchards?

Why do pubs either have a disgustingly patterned  carpet, or 
floorboards? Is it because vomit is disguised on disgusting carpets and 
easy to clean off of bear boards?

Was the most famous Roman spy Double 'O' VII? 

Does the BBC use roman numerals to tell us when a program was made 
so it's more difficult for us to tell if it's a repeat or not?

Why? 

At the entrances to car parks, why do they hang those pieces of wood 
on chains that keep hitting our vehicles before we enter? And why do
they let us know that the piece of wood is 2.2m long? Is this a maths 
test? 

Why do we think the traffic light will change if we talk to it?

How do you believe a sign that reads "Post No Signs"? 

If the universe is constantly expanding, how come I can't find a parking 
space? 

Is the best way to be a leader with a large following, just to obey the 
speed limit on a winding, two lane road? 

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

What exactly is the difference between "partly cloudy" and "partly 
sunny"?

Why does the wind blow from the east if the weather front is coming from 
the west?

If the temperature today is 0 degrees and the weather man says it will be 
twice as cold tomorrow, what will the temperature be?

Have you ever wondered what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't 
zigzag? 

If the sky was red, would blue cars be purple? 

Why is it that just after you buy the mightiest snow blower known to man, 
it stops snowing?

Is a good example of afterthought, trying to close your mouth after you've 
stuck your foot in it?  

If you live in a state of chaos, do you need to pay taxes? 

If you do tongue twisters, how do you untwist your tongue?  

Just where do baby storks come from? 

What does "how come" mean? Is it a command for a dog named How, 
to come? 

Why do long haired white cats only like sleeping on dark furniture and 
dark clothing?

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? 

What happens to the fish when lightning hits the water? 

Do fleas care if their children go to the dogs? Why do people say, 'watch 
your head' when there is no possible way that you can do that?

Could your eyes be called an school , because there are pupils there?  

What purpose do freckles serve? 

Why don't they call moustaches, "mouthbrows"? 

Is your conscience that small inner voice that doesn't speak your 
language?  

Don't you think that Beauty is only a light switch away?  

If God had meant for us to take showers, wouldn't he have put our 
armpits on top of our shoulders?  

Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if people had 
tails?

Why are so many unsolicited emails advertising software to send 
unsolicited email?

Why do all companies advertise their product as being voted the best? 
Doesn't every product get that award from their makers? 

Why do commercials for clothing have kids in them who are perfectly 
clean? Don't they know that no kid alive EVER stays clean for more
than ten seconds?  

On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from 
Haemorrhoids. Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?  

If you went into a bookstore and asked the salesperson where the 
self-help section is, would they tell you? And if they did, wouldn't that
just be defeating the purpose?

Why do children act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach 
them good manners?

Why is it okay for a baby to burp, but not her older siblings?  

Why is it that the hardest thing about business is minding your own?  

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand 
words, how dangerous is a fax?  

Is the reason why computers can do more work than people, the fact 
that they never have to stop and answer the phone?  

If you went that extra mile at work, would your boss find you and bring 
you back?        

Why is it that when I take a long time doing something, I'm slow, but 
when my boss takes a long time, he's being thorough? And when I
don't do it, I'm lazy, but when my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy?  

Is the good thing about standards, the fact that there are so many of 
them to choose from?

If everything worked right, wouldn't you be out of a job?  

What if when you reach the top of the ladder of success, you find that it 
was leaning against the wrong wall

Why are those labels on the back of your shirt collars made out of the 
most irritable material on earth?  

Who designed clothing so that a tug on one thread will undo an entire 
hem, or make a button pop off instantaneously

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?  

Does being right half the time beat being half-right all the time?

Why is it that the term 'mental institution' can be used to describe both an 
asylum and a college?     

Is correcting incorrect "uncorrecting"?

How many Megabytes of RAM are there in the human brain?  

Considering how easy a spider-web can be brushed away, just how does 
Spiderman climb walls?  

Why is it that on Star Trek, all the aliens encountered from many different 
galaxies, all speak English, yet on Earth most people do not?  

In the movie Grease, why does Danny wear 70's clothes to the dance 
when it's supposed to be in the 50's    

In the show 'The Brady Bunch', if Mike Brady was such a great architect, 
why did they have 6 kids and only one bathroom? 

What was Robin Hood's mother known as? Mother Hood?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Is the reason it's called take-home pay the fact that there is no other 
place you can afford to go with it?

Do the soft drink signs that read "Drink Canada Dry", encourage 
alcoholism in Canada?

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese 
shredders?

If you put orange juice in the freezer, it becomes frozen. So why, when 
you squeeze an orange, doesn't it become squozen?

How many tiny packets of duck sauce and soy sauce do you suppose 
are thrown away every night with empty take-away Chinese food
containers?  

If a person who loses his sight is blind, and a person who loses his 
hearing is deaf, and a person who loses his voice is mute, what do you
call someone who loses his sense of smell?

Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else? 
 
If models are the ideal look, why do so few people look like them? Who 
decided what was the ideal? And what size jeans did THEY wear?

If everyone was the ideal, would things ever come to an end? After all, 
there'd be no fat lady to sing, right?  

If the "survival of the fittest" model of evolution is correct, how come 
average international health and intelligence levels are decreasing
with time? Does this indicate that the "fittest" are not quite-as-bright as 
couch potatoes?  

Isn't depression simply anger without enthusiasm?

If you sneeze with your eyes open, will they pop out?  

If walking is so good for you, why does my postman look like Jabba the 
Hut? 

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If 
not, then what was the purpose of the bath?  

Why are they called Monkey Wrenches? How many times have you 
seen a monkey using them?  

Why does the grass that grows along the edge of the road, the same 
grass that gets covered in noxious fumes and only mowed twice a year,
look better than the grass in your backyard, the same grass you 
painstakingly labour over, fertilise, and religiously water?

Isn't Duct Tape just like the Force? It has a light side, a dark side, and it 
holds the universe together.  

Is it true that those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't?  

Is originality simply the art of concealing your source?

What is the contraction for will not? Willn't?  

Who was it that first referred to a rock as a rock and not a pot, a hole, or 
a tree? And why did he make that decision? What finally made him know
that it was indeed a rock?

What is another word for stuff?  

Which is correct: semi literate or semi illiterate?

Was the piano invented just so the musician would have a place to put 
his beer? 

Do the quality control people on the production line at the M+M candy 
factory, throw away all the sweets marked with W+W?  

Do mountain climbers tie themselves together with ropes just to prevent 
the sensible ones from going home?

Who buries all the stuff that archaeologists dig up?  

In a James Bond film where there are fifty bad guys and just one of him, 
why does he never gets hit but they always do?

Just how much is that doggy in the window? You know, that one with the 
waggely tail?

Why is Barney the Dinosaur so happy all the time? 

Don't we all know all the answers, just as long as they ask the right 
questions?

If we ever see the light at the end of the tunnel, how will we know if it's at 
the wrong end or not? 

Why is it that we're never too old to learn something stupid?

Spelling has never been my best subject, but if you think about it, doesn't 
someone who can only spell a word one way, lack imagination? 

Why are teenagers expected to be mature enough to make their own 
decisions about clothing, dating, etc., but their parents won't let them?

Since McDonalds sell Big Macs, doesn't that mean they have Little Macs 
as well? And why don’t they sell them?

Why do the plastic bag manufacturers not want adults to associate with 
children? After all, they say 'Keep away from children' right on their
product, don't they?

Why is it that a clean desktop is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer? 

Is it true that the closest to perfection a person ever comes, is when they 
fill out a job application? 

If you work at night, can you have a "bad day" at the office? 

Why do most bosses think the best reward for a job well done is more 
work? 

Some cigarette packages display the warning 'Smoking during 
pregnancy can harm your baby'. Just how does the baby get pregnant
before it's born? And if it started to smoke, wouldn't that be a bit
uncomfortable  for the mother?

Who has the "copyright" on the ©copyright symbol, or the (tm)
Trademark symbol? 

When they say that something is maintenance-free, do they really mean 
that when it breaks, it can't be fixed?

Do black widow spiders kill their males after mating just to stop the 
snoring before it starts? 

What should be our reaction to "killer bees"? Should we be afraid or 
impressed?

Why is it, that when I am typing up a paper for a college late at night, my 
cat decides that it's the perfect moment to walk across the
keyboard? Is she just commenting on my work? What is she writing? 
Why does it always look like 'nnghiiiiiiouuunnggccsaaaaarrrrrrrr'? 

If lemmings follow, do followers lem?

If a Parisian falls off a bridge, does he go in Seine?

We have crude oil, so why don't we have cultured oil?

When you find yourself convinced that the world is moving too fast, 
should you just find a supermarket line to reassure yourself that it isn't?

Why, no matter what happens in one day, the news fits perfectly into the 
newspaper?

If we want to support the right to bare arms, should we wear short 
sleeves? 

Why are the good answers always the ones you think of later? 

How come when looking for something really important, you can never 
find it? And why do you always come across it three days later       
when you are looking for something else?

Can you use "ear wax" to wax your car?

When we make mental notes on something, where do we put them? 

Just who is it that models for all those Halloween Masks? 

Is life just something to do when you can't get to sleep? 

Why is it that if you ask any failure, they will tell you that success is just a 
matter of luck?

Why is only one side of aluminum foil shiny? 

Where do all the world's missing pens go? 

Do they teach Murphy's Law at Law school?

Why do they arrest people for creating a disturbance? How do they 
know they were not just improving one that was already there?

Is it true that 'Understanding' is a three edged sword - your side, my side, 
and the truth? 

If common sense was really common, wouldn't we all have it? 

Why do people tell us to be alert when they want our attention? Just 
what is a 'lert'? 

You know the old rule; 'I' before 'E' except after 'C'? If Einstein had 
listened to that, would he be able to write his own name? 

Are the stars and planets studying us?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?  

How come it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it's a 
sport?

If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail? 

If we're thinking of not doing something because we'll hate ourselves in 
the morning, why don't we just plan on sleeping till noon? 

If you can't get in trouble for doing it, would it be fun? 

Where are the most lies told? On the golf course or to the Inland 
Revenue?

If Nobody's perfect, and I am Nobody, does that make me perfect? 

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? 

Is the problem with reality the fact that there's no background music? 

Would you have to think twice before giving something a second 
thought?

Isn't being logical just the art of being wrong with confidence?

How do we know if we're thinking straight? 

If we all thought alike then would any of us be really thinking?

Do woodchucks actually chuck wood? And what is meant by the act of 
chucking wood? 

If life is all nothing but a dream, are heavy sleepers then considered 
realists? 

If someone is always better, then why try to be the best? 

Who is it that first said 'Do as I say, not as I do'? And isn't that a bit 
hypocritical? 

How do we know if it's later than we think?

Why can't we put all our eggs into one basket? Isn't this just being more 
efficient?

If knowing is half the battle, then what is the other half?

If great minds really think alike, then what makes them so great? 

Why is it that no matter if we think we can do it or we think we can't, 
we're right? 

Is it true that women will never be equal to men until they can walk down 
the street boldly and still think they are beautiful?

Is a structured conversation between a husband and wife where she 
gives her opinion and then she gives his opinion?

Why do people feel compelled to share horror stories such as 48-hour 
labour to pregnant women, especially in their last months? Or 'little
monsters' (read: children) to new mothers/fathers and parents-to-be?

Why is it that we can all accept good advice gracefully, only if it doesn't 
interfere with what we intended to do in the first place? 

Why is man the only animal that goes to sleep when they're not sleepy 
and gets up when they are sleepy? 

Why is it that no one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more 
thoroughly than the one who's giving it?

When people turn on a light bulb and it burns out, why do they turn it on 
and off again to make sure?

Why do people always cringe and groan in sympathy, as if they could 
feel the pain, when a male character gets hit, especially in the groin?

If a man talks in his sleep but still does not divulge any hot information for 
his wife, is this a case of mind over mutter?

Rather than trying to keep up with the Joneses, wouldn't it be cheaper to 
try and drag them down to your level?

When meeting someone new, how do you know when the first 
impression is over? And when can you get back to being your real self?

Why do people on a Sit-In say that they are standing up for their rights? 
What exactly are they doing, sitting down or standing up? 

Why do news reporters take an hour to explain what the Prime Minister 
said in 5 minutes? 

Are pedestrians just those people who have found a place to park?

If the universe is constantly expanding, how come I can't find a parking 
space?

Just before an impending accident, why do passengers always yell out 
'Hey, is that a truck?' approximately one nanosecond before impact?

When travelling on a family trip in your car, why can't everyone ever 
agree on what to listen to on the radio?

Why does the person driving always get to choose the radio station? 

Why is it that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, yet anyone 
going faster than you is a maniac? 

Why is it that whenever you see a parking space and you make a U-turn 
to get to it, by the time you're there,someone else has taken it? 

If someone was to unquestionably resolve the space/time continuum and 
solve the riddles of origin and existence, would they suddenly die
of 'mysterious causes'?

How long does it take to kill time? After you kill time, why does it always 
come back? If it comes back are you really killing it?

If space is the final frontier, what's time?

Why is it that facts always keep interfering with our theories?

If time and space are relatives, do we have to invite them to our family 
gatherings?

Is it going to be acceptable to write January 1st, 2000 as '1/1/00'?

Why do people print out all of their e-mail? Doesn't that just defeat it's 
purpose? 

Why do they make those '. . . For Dummies' books? And if you really 
were a dummy, would you have the sense to buy it?

Just what kind of idiots does Microsoft take us for?

If you put a computer in a very cold room, would it get frost-byte? 

If anonymous log-ins require you to give your e-mail, then how is it 
anonymous?

If the Internet is the Information Superhighway, where are the Patrol 
cars? 

Why don't they make computers that will do what we think we want them 
to do? 

What is with all this concern about computer illiteracy? Since when do 
we expect inanimate objects to read?

Are black holes the equivalent of heaven and hell for agnostics?

Is it possible to refer to the universe out of context?

Why do mathematicians keep wanting to mess up the alphabet? You 
know, when they keep saying 'if a=b and b=c ...'

Is it true that after God created woman, he atoned by creating beer? 

If money's the root of all evil, why do the churches want it?

Why, in all systems of theology, is the devil portrayed as a male? 

Is it true that the best new years resoloution is to give up worrying about 
eating, drinking, smoking and womanising too much?

Why do we celebrate Christmas when that is the only day all the pubs are 
shut?

If patience is a virtue, what is patience to a man with no virtues?

Everyone is born, but why does nobody remember it happening to them?

If you travelled back through time and you saw somebody travelling 
forward through timw, would it be best to avoid eye contact?

If you set yourself on fire, would looking into a mirror really put you in a 
panic?

Who enforces the laws of physics?

Is it cheaper to get a lawyer eho kows the law, or who knows the judge?

We were given ten commandments by god - so why are there so many 
laws?

Does a really thoughtful couple keep a piece of their wedding cake for 
thier divorce lawyer?

Why is it, whenever I put my foot down, my wife steps on it?

Why is the easiest thing to do fast is to get tired?

Why do people say they have showbusiness in thier veins? Surely they 
should have blood?

When a man has a birthday he takes a year off, why does a woman take 
10 years off?

If you can't hear a pin drop, is there something wrong with your bowling? 

Is Mick Jagger the only person in England with child bearing lips?

Where is Hiding? Is it a small vilage somewhere that's hard to find? 

Is the only difference between a THERAPIST and THE RAPIST a 
space?

If a person was convicted of MANSLAUGHTER, could he be innocent 
because he was a dyslexic comedian that was trying to get a MANS
LAUGHTER?

Is the easiest way to join the police to use handcuffs?

Did stupid Vikings kill the women and rape the sheep?

Paranoid people are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy 
to criticize, but if everybody hated you,  wouldn't you be paranoid?

When playing cards, does a .44 magnum beat 4 aces?

Should you invite O.J. Simpson to your Christmas dinner as he's so good 
at carving white meat?

Is the problem with the gene pool the fact that there is no lifeguard?

Is  a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory?

If you must choose between two evils, should you pick the one you've 
never tried before?

Is it true that a fool and his money are soon partying?

Is it true that if money can't buy love, it can rent a good imitation?

Can you plan to be spontaneous tomorrow?

Is it true that if drugs lead  you nowhere,at least you go via  the scenic 
route?

Why do bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques?

Is it the 99 percent of lawyers that give the rest a bad name?

If you stand on a toilet, are you high on pot?

Do bird farts smell like worms?

If everyone was color blind, would we know it?

How come Yogi Bear never ate the ranger?

If you quit quitting, are you a quitter?

What would the world be like if we could harness the power of a fart?

What would a fan do in space?

If you fart more than your body weight, could you fly?

Is Gods name God, or is it just a title?

Could you ask room service to bring up a larger room?

Is the second day of a diet always easier than the first because you're 
always off of the diet by the second day?

If it wasn't for electricity, would we all be watching television by 
candlelight?

When you go into McDonalds, and order fries, do they ask if you want 
fries with that?

How exactly do the chalk outlines drawn around murder victims help
solve the crime?

Is the easiest way to find something you've lost around the house to buy
a new one?

Does one good turn get all the blankets?

Is life the most easily caught sexually transmitted decease?

Is an unbreakable toy the best thing for breaking other things?

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who
said "Quit while you're ahead"?

Should you ever lick a gift horse in the mouth?

Why do we call them Turkeys, when they very rarely come from Turkey,
but from Bernard Matthew's farm in Norfolk?

Would a dyslexic devil worshipper sell his soul to Santa?

Is a Russian four seasons pizza made of winter, winter, winter and
winter?

Was Rudolph the only reindeer to have a red nose because he was at
the front, and he had the brakes?

When people who suffer from panic attacks do not get their regular
attack, would they have a panic attack because of the worry over where
their regular attack has gone?

Why do dry cleaners put up signs saying 'Professional' dry cleaners?
Where are the ammeter dry cleaners? What do they do - dry clean your
clothes with white spirit pr something?

Why are there signs that say a building has been architecturally
designed? Who else would design a building? A butcher?

If you live in the lap of luxury, what happens when luxury gets up?

Why do we let trainee hairdressers cut our hair for a third of the price?
Would we let a trainee surgeon operate on us for as third of the
price? Or a trainee dentist take out our teeth?

Why do I always find myself doing eight miles per hour in the outside lane
of the information superhighway?

Who does suffer fools gladly? 

Is an easy plot easy to follow simply by following it? 

Where do they find the prawns that have the sweet and sour balls? 

Do fish fart? 

What do sperm whales think about?

Is a castrated pig, disgruntled? 

If you get your eyes and your asshole mixed up, would you have a shitty
outlook on life? 

Why do silent farts smell so much worse than loud ones? 

Why is it that when they show a computer advert  they show computers
and when they show a car advert they show cars but when they
show a condom advert they show people playing tennis? 

If Xerox and Wurlitzer merged, would you have a company that sold
reproductive organs?

Is the reason we call them SEMINARS (from the words 'semi' and 'arse')
because it implies any half-arsed discussion? 

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 

What's the purpose of training bras? What can we teach them? 

Do teddy bears have cotton balls? 

Is it true that nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a
Playmate centerfold? 

If you put gum over your arsehole and farted, would it make a bubble? 

If governments promote and encourage free information exchange then
why do they get so upset  when you hack into their computer
systems to get it? 

When does a blind man know he is finished wiping his arse? 

Is it true that you can get Hearing AIDS from listening to too many
assholes? 

Do farts smell so deaf people can enjoy them too? 

How can you be anally retentive about farting? 

Are vampires immune to AIDS?  

Why is it that no matter how tall you are or where you're standing, if
you're washing your hands, and the water splashes you, it always looks
like you've pissed yourself? 

When a female lawyer loses her briefs - is she a solicitor? 

Why is it that a doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off
all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband?  

Does an analyst have to be anal? 

If your wife leaves you for another woman, should you hold the door
for both of them?

Did you ever notice that people make love like they shop? Men are in
and out, but women take all day!

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment,
but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's 60p per minute? 

A woman who can't get enough sex is called a nymphomaniac. What do
you call a man who can't get enough sex? 

Why do they have that award The Sexiest Man Alive? Doesn't this imply
that they have an award for the sexiest dead man? Do they really
think that a dead body is sexy? (Don't answer that one Rob!)

When two gay men or two lesbian women go out on a date, who pick's
up the bill?

If Pamela Anderson breastfeeds her baby, does that mean that the
baby's milk comes from plastic jugs?

Why is it that you never see dust on a dirty magazine? 

Why do Christians worship a God who violated a virgin's civil rights? 

If God condones the gay life, why did he make Adam and Eve and not
Adam and Bruce?

Why miss heaven by a few inches, when you can miss it by a mile? 

Is the reason that prehistoric man died off, because they were
Homo-sapiens? 

In Microsoft Word, why does the spell checker recommend changing 
the word 'zzzz' to 'sex' ? 

On the old TRS-80 line printers there is a warning sticker that reads
'Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer'. What do
they mean by 'personal objects'? And what sort of person would put a
'personal object' into one? 

If you can see your breath in cold weather, can you see a fart? 

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? 

I wasn't meant to be a nudist, why was I born without clothes? 

What is the sound of shit happening? 

If you had too much on your mind, would you be kicked out of a nudist
colony? 

Can a midget at a nudist colony help it if he sticks his nose in everyone's
business? 

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them
to go? 

Do Fish Drink?

Is the only difference between a rut and a grave the depth?

Does a Piss artisit actually paint with his own urine?

Why do people find it diffiult to make peanut butter sandwiches after they
have just had a shit? 

If you lost your sofa, would you look down the back of your loose
change?

Is the best way to make a cat flap to kick it?

Is ministrone soup made out of lots of small cars?

Is the best reason for getting rid of crime is that we will then get rid of 
all lawyers as well?

Are the turkeys the most musical of animals, as they come with two
drumsticks?

Do fish wash in the river basin?

If a cat joined the red cross would he bocome a first aid kit? 

Do drunks not choose thier drinks, but let thier drinks choose them?

Does a closed mouth gather no feet?

Why do people say, 'watch your head' when there is no possible way
that you can do that?
 
Is a toupee just a posh wig?

Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we 
supposed to try it? At school? At Work?

If someone tells you to 'get a life', are they implying that you are in fact
dead? 

How can you prove you're not crazy to people who are? 

If only the good die young, will we live forever? 

We sometimes say 'the kettle is boiling'? Isn't it just the water that is
boiling? 

What's the point of the 'Take as needed' label on medicine bottles? If
you didn't need them, you wouldn't be taking them.

Why, on a bottle of medicine, do they put the words 'Shake Well' and
'Shake Gently'? What is the difference and why?

Could something be as "clear as the nose on your face", if you have a cold?
 
Are left handed people the only people in their right minds? 

Is it possible for reality checks to bounce?

All things considered, isn't insanity the only alternative?

Is politics just the entertainment branch of industry?

Why should we be politically correct when we can be right? 

Doesn't gun control just protect you from being able to shoot back? 

They say that Capitalism is all about man exploiting man, but isn't 
Socialism just the reverse? 

On a box of Shredded Wheat, the labelling reads 'Ingredients 100% 
whole wheat'. Why do they put a warning on the box that it may contain
traces of nuts? Doesn't 100% mean the whole thing?

On the Pop-Tart box, why do they state 'Warning: Pastry Filling May Be
Hot When Heated'? 

Why do they put a warning on a bag of salted peanuts that it contains nuts?

Why is shortening such a long word? 

If drinks can be watered down, does that mean they can be watered up? 

Why is it that we eat food up, yet we down a drink? 

Why is it that on juice cartons, they put the words 'Serve Ice Cold'? How
else would you serve ice? 

Do sacred cows make the best hamburgers? 

Why are poor crazy people called insane while rich crazy people are
called eccentric? 

If you borrow money from a pessimist, would they expect to be repaid? 

Why is it that in a Bond film where there are fifty bad guys and just one 
of  him, he never gets hit but they always do?

Why is it that when watching an action thriller, mystery, horror, or
suspense movie with some friends, and it goes dead silent, the person
beside you always says "It's too quiet!"? 

Why don't people in horror films follow the Sacred 500 Commandments of
Horror Movies? You know, like "Don't turn around", "Never
look behind you when you're running", and "If you hear a noise in
another room and find out it's only the cat -- GET OUT OF THERE!! It's
not the cat!". 

We all know about the TV show Deep Space 9, but where are Deep
Space 1 through 8?

Should they rename the Mir space station Deep Shit 9?

Why are we taught pottery at school? What possible emergency could
we find later in life to all of a sudden have to make a pot?

Why is it that headmasters are always campaigning to have the cane
brought back?

Is the best thing about penpals the fact that you can write to them?

Would a masochist give a starving dog a rubber bone?

It is very hard to be an atheist during sex, isn't it?

There is proof that God IS a man, and his name is Harold. Does it not
say, in the Lord's prayer itself, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold
be thy name'?

When robbing a bank, would the best thing to wear be a black binliner,
bra and a saucepan on your head, just to make the actors on
crimewatch look stupid? 

When people spill anything on themselves, why do they always treat it
like acid?

Why do some people carry their own phone numbers?

In Roman times people used sheep's bladders as condoms. Why do I
always get the image in my head of a Roman walking along with a
sheep attached to his penis, the excuse being he couldn't be bothered
to take the condom out of the packet?

Is there something wrong with a man who gets erotic thought about the
Queen Mother?

What is the point of weather veins? You can tell what way the wind is
blowing by just standing there.

Why does the Queen pay taxes? The money goes to the government,
which in turn is in the service of the queen. Is this is what is called self-
employment?

Once a thought has crossed your mind, where does it go? And where
was it before?

How deep does a thought have to be to be a deep thought?

Why do they call them Prawn Cocktail flavour Crisps, and not just prawn
flavour? They don't call them Salt and Vinegar cocktail or Cheese
and onion cocktail, do they?

Can animals actually talk? How are we to know if they just don't want 
to speak to us?

Are friends just people who's telephone numbers we haven't lost yet? 

Is the only difference between sex and AIDS is that AIDS will last
forever? 

At the pub, would it be easier to buy you pint and pour it straight down
the toilet, therefore cutting out the middle man? 

If you went to a really posh school, would the gym be called a James?

When you drop a round object into a bath full of water it makes round
waves. When you drop a square object into the same bath of water
why does it still make round waves? 

Can only really rich crocodiles afford dental treatment as they have so
many teeth?

Should you listen to a person who doesn't listen to their own advice? 

Why do we need science fiction when life is already so bizarre?

When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never
just see ception?

When staying in a hotel, why is it the only courteous and efficient
employees you meet are the automatic swing doors?

Why are there only two temperatures for food in a restaurant - too hot,
and too cold?

Why are the only television programs that are allowed to show scenes
of graphic sex and violence before the watershed are natural history
programs?

Are people that take a sideways look at life always drunk?

They say that if you pick up a penny you will have good luck all day.
Why do I always find myself picking up pennies at five minutes to
midnight and never at six o'clock in the morning? 

Were computers invented by God to teach people how to deal with
constant frustration?

Were computers invented by the devil to get people to curse a lot more
so they would go to hell?

Is the little blinking thing on the computer screen called a cursor
because if you don't curse enough, the computer won't work?

Are frogs the only animals that are truly immortal? Do they not croak
EVERY night, and still get up in the morning?

Was the concept of farming created by tired hunters with sore feet?

If we are descended from apes, how come there are still apes? Why
didn't they evolve as well?

If I throw a stick away I don't want it. Why does my dog always bring it
back? And why does this make him mans best friend?

Dogs are supposed to be man's best friend. Would you take your best
friend for a walk on a lead so he can have a shit on the pavement?

If you owned a pet shop and wanted to sell a lot more parrots, would
you sell a lot more if you taught them how to say "I miss my little
brother"?

Is it unwise to buy a second hand parachute advertised as "Only used
once"?

Should you always get married in the morning, so if it doesn't work out
you haven't ruined the whole day?

Is a light year just like a normal year with 50% less fat?

Why does trouble always start as fun?

Can goldfish live in lager?

Can I live in lager?

If iron doesn't float, how come ships stay afloat?

If Jesus was Jewish, how come he had a Mexican name?

Where does all the rubber go from all the car tyres that wear out?

Why do we drink alcohol at parties when we know it will make our
heads hurt the following morning?

Why do they call it Australian rules football when it so obviously has no
rules? Is it not just a fight with a ball?

Should people from Scotland always be considered dangerous because
they have the only national dress that consists of a concealed weapon
(knife in the sock)?

Is the only reason the Mersey runs through Liverpool, because if it
walked it would get mugged?

Why do so many people who give up smoking cigarettes keep on
smoking other peoples cigarettes?

Why do one way systems always go the opposite direction to where you
want to go?

If, according to your bumper sticker, 'Your other car is a Porsche', why
are you driving that piece of shit that you've got the sticker on?

What came first, the car or the car insurance salesman?

How can people use a clockwork radio? They are designed for
countries that have no electricity, but  if there is no electricity, surely
there can be no radio stations until somebody invents clockwork radio
stations?

Is light just a brighter version of dark? 

Why do American Express keep on sending me application cards for
their gold card when I only earn a fraction of what is needed to apply
for it? 

Why do drive up ATM machines have Braille on them, how can blind
people drive?

Is a cow that has just given birth de-calf-inated?

Is the biggest problem in Australia getting rid of unwanted boomerangs?

Is a broken boomerang simply a stick?

Do they have English take aways in China?

If Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets, does it mean it is
really, really, REALLY cold outside?

Mountaineers talk about going up Everest the easy way. Is there such 
a thing as an EASY way up Everest? Is there an elevator around the
back or something?

Do you get ground beef from cows with no legs?

Does corned beef come from Cows, or Corn?

Would stand up comedians sit down if they could? 

Why do we always mourn death, not celebrate life?

If you put a bird in an aeroplane, would it be flying, but not flying?

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat  pork.I'm
sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.  
Is  that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

In junior school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn
slower?

In the James Bond films, how does Q always know exactly what James
Bond needs? Is he psychic?

Can you confuse an open mind with one that is just vacant?

Is it true that five out of four people don't know how to read
percentages?

Is constant change here to stay?

How big was the big bang?

Does everyone have a scheme for getting rich that will not work? And
why do most of them enjoy sending junk mail to tell me about it?

Is common sense a collection of prejudices acquired by the age of 18?

Does being good at being stupid not count?

Why does success always occur in private, and failure in full public
view?

If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate?

Which came first, the Chicken or everything else that tastes like
chicken?

Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a
woman be called a "Dragnet"?

If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in
a line take so long?

If I am, do I drink?

What would you rather have, no short-term memory or... I forget the
question?  

What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap?  

If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an
infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite
mount of crack, would they be able to produce a list of Deep 
Thoughts?   

How much wood would a woodchuck have, if a woodchuck had a
woody?  

Given an infinite number of sad twats in an infinite number of  Star Trek
conventions, would there be at least one with a life?  

Can God make Marlin Brando so big that even he can't move him?  

If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?
  
If you sell a video explaining how you didn't kill your ex-wife and her
male friend in the forest and no one buys it, does it make a sound?  

What will I have for lunch today -- chicken salad or egg salad?  

If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his
sleep, has he broken his vow of silence?  If so, who is going to tell
on him?  

If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much
longer?  

If Mike Tyson bit off Jesus' ear in a fight, would it be a foul or a
sacrament?