Sit on My face, and tell me that you Love Me. I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too, I love to hear you Oralise, when I'm between your thights, You blow me away. Sit on My face, and let my lips embrace you, I'll sit on your face and love you truly, Life can be fine, When we're both 69, If we sit on our faces, in all sorts of places and play... ...'Till we're blown away.
It's fun to Charter an accountant, And sail the wide accountant-cy, To find, explore, the funds offshore, And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy. It can be manly in insurance, We'll up your premiums semi-annually, It's all tax-deductable, We're fairly incoruptable, We're sailing on the wide accountan-cy!
Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):
| | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.)
-------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!
--------------------
Easy Section
--------------------
1.)
| | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
instinctively knows this.
2.)
| x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
greater risk of being next to someone
who arrives later.
-------------------------
Kind of tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)
| | | | | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying,
"I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.)
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at
least ONE guy, so you minimize the
impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you
can help it. Exceptions to this
are stadium restrooms where the
herd thunders in.
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples"
you with the guy in stall 2. And we
wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a
subtle way that the nuances cannot be
explained. Suffice to say, only we men
would understand!
===============================================
-----------------------------
VERY tricky indeed Section
-----------------------------
6.)
| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to
comb your hair or straighten a tie
until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
goodness sake! ... use a doored stall.
===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of
the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
you there. I will not look again".
1. Describe your problem: ____________________________________________ 2. Now describe the problem accurately _______________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: 5. Nature of the problem: __A. Minor __A. Locked Up __B. Minor __B. Frozen __C. Minor __C. Hung __D. Trivial __D. Shot 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ 15. Have you installed any non-corporate standard software on your computer recently? Yes__ No__ 16. Are you sure you've not installed any non-corporate standard software on your computer recently? Yes__ No__ 17. Has anybody sneaked into your office and installed any non-corporate standard software on your computer recently? Yes__ No__ 18. Has any non-corporate standard software appeared by magic on your computer recently, from absoloutly nowhere? Yes__ 19. Are you interested in the non-corporate standard software witness protection program? Yes__ No__
Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast" Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast" Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me" Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees" Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, uh-oh, but those summer nights" Grand Jury: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. huh. Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Tripp: "Try to remember your best" Grand Jury: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Starr: "Did he come on your dress?" Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh...Uh-huh.... Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh....Uh-huh.... Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp" Monica: "The prez is sexy - makes my panties damp" Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House" Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth" Bill: "Summer days, gobbling away, uh, oh, but those summer nights" Grand Jury:"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Tripp: "He sounds like a swell guy" Grand Jury:"Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Starr:"Did he tell you to lie?" (Slower now) Bill: "Press found out, turned into a mess" Monica: "He gave me money to buy a new dress" Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow" Monica: "Wonder who is blowin' him now" Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams But.........ooooouuuuh, those Whi-i-te house... Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiights!
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy begger Who could think you under the table. David Hume could out consume, Willhelm Freidrich Hegal And Wittgenstein was a beery swine, who was twice as schloshed as Schegel. There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist, Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed. John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill, Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart, "I drink, therefore I am" yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed, A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and
ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People
sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my
shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use
your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm
called a big swinger. What am I?
10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches
long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of
both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready
for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy
things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly,
some-times slowly sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy,
moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn
out again and again many times in succession, often quickly
and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone
found listening in will most surely recognize
the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well
lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves
behind a juicy, frothy sticky white substance, some of
which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the
opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After
everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids
have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging
state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action,
hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three
times a day, but often much less. What is it?????
ANSWERS: 1. A dentist
2. A wedding ring
3. Peanut Butter
4. A Chewing Gum
5. An elevator
6. A nose
7. A newspaper boy
8. A glove
9. A Crane
10. A toothbrush, of course
SCORING:
0-1 Shit! Wash your mind out with soap!
2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter!
5-6 Not too dirty.
7-8 Mmm.. Good job.
9-10 Do you know what sex is?
LEVEL 1
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave
because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys
another round. One of your unemployed friends (Bastard). Here at level
one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get
seven hours of sleep, I'm Okay."
LEVEL 2
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level
two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking,
"Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are
the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep, I'm Okay."
LEVEL 3
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing for artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our
waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you
love the world. On the way to the toilet you buy a drink for the
stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get
drinking fantasies like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could
live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook." But at
level three, that devil is a little bit bigger... and he's buying. And you're
thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours
sleep... and a complete change of blood, I'm Okay."
LEVEL 4
Two in the morning. And the devil is working behind the bar .For last call,
you ordered a Jack Daniel’s and a Coke. You are artificial turf! This time
on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the
bar just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our
vicar is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends
decide to leave--right after you get thrown out--and one of you knows a...
a bar that’ll be open. And there, at level four, you actually think to
yourself, "Well... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep
anyway, I may as well... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! Yeah! That'd be good
for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Chewbacca.
Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as
I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow................... Okay.
LEVEL 5
Six in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at
the tattoo parlour ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you
and your friends wind up in Birmingham in a bar with guys who have
been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where
even the devil is going, "Uh, I’ve gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine.
I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all
drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon
Stag night. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to
yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!" One of your friends stands
up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO SCOTLAND!!!" And passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five--the
sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out
of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging.
And they look at you--and they know. And they say... "Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 16 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory
like you've beat the night. But if you're over 30, then that sun is like
God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do
this again! (How long?) As long as I live!" And some of us have that little
addition...
"And this time, I mean it!"
Inflammation of the foreskin reminds me of your smile, I've had ballantial chancroids for quite a little while, I gave my heart to NSU that lovely nigth in June, I ache for you my darling and I hope you get well soon. My penile warts, your herpes, my syphilitic sores, Your moenelial infection, how I miss you more and more. Your dobie's itch, my scrumpox, our lovely gonorrhea, At least we both were lying, when we said that we were clear. Our syphilitic kisses sealed the secret of our tryst, You gave me scrotal pustules with a quick flick of your wrist. Your trichovaginitis sent shivers down my spine, I got snail tracks in my anus when your spirochetes met mine. My clapped out genitalia is not so bad for me, As the complete and utter failure every time I try to pee. My docter says my buboes are the worst he's ever seen, My scrotum's painted orange and my balls are turning green. My heart is very tender though my parts are awful raw, You might have been infected but you never were a bore. I'm dying of your love my love I'm your spirochaetal clown, I've left my body to science but I'm afraid they've turned it down.
Log On: Make the woodstove hot. Log Off: Don't add no more wood. Monitor: Keep an eye on the darn wood stove. Download: Get firewood off the truck. Floppy Disk: What you get when you try to carry too much firewood. Ram: The thing that splits the firewood. HardDrive: Getting home in the winter. Prompt: What the mail ain't in the winter. Windows: What to shut when the weather gets cold. Screen: What to shut in black fly season. Byte: What the black flies do. Chip: Munchies for tv. Micro chip: What's left in the bag after you eat the chips. Modem: What you did to the hay fields. Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife. Lap top: Where the kitty sleeps. Software: The dumb cuttlery you gits at fast food places. Mouse: What eats grain in the farm. Mainframe: What holds up the barn. Enter: City folk talk for "Come on in, eh?"
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. t comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
She came from Space, she had a taste for custard She fell over and got very flustered Thats when she Waved at me She told me that her name was Laa Laa I just smiled at her and I said "Ha, ha" Oh it rhymed And in twenty minutes time I said I want to live like Teletubbies I want to go wherever Teletubbies go I want to play with Tinky Winky I want to play with Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po And then, what do you know? She said "Eh-oh!" She took me to a flowery golf course I dont know why, there were rabbits everywhere Or where they... Hares? There was a windmill and a funny lady And a sun that looked like a baby Thet laughed But he wasn't the only one laughing How bizarre, I said I want to live like Teletubbies I want to eat whatever Teletubbies eat I want to pig out on Tubby-custard I want to munch Tubby-toast ten times a week But they don't understand They just smiled and all held hands Wear a hat upon your head Get a handbag that's bright red Love your friend and give them hugs Pretend you've never taken drugs Still you'll never get it right 'Cos when you're all tucked up at night Watching Noo Noo sweep the floor You can switch it of or watch Channel Four You'll never live like Teletubbies You'll never see whatever Teletubbies see Never have a telly on your tummy Never get paid a wad from the BBC Or dance and drink pink goo Because you've better things to do Sing along with the Teletubbies Sing along and you might not feel so blue Dance along with the Teletubbies Even though they're better dancers than you And the silly things that they do Because alien chic is cool...
Worf : Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. Picard : On screen. The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide. Picard : Data, what's wrong here? Data : Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution? Picard : Make it so. The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders. Picard : Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. Data : Aye, sir. Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen. Worf : Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! Picard : Shields up! Data : I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. Picard : What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now. Data : I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. LaForge : Allow me, captain. (to Data) Control-alt-delete, Data. Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor. Data : The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. LaForge pulls Data's left ear. Picard : Shields... There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console. Picard : Up, Data! Data : Aye, sir. Riker : All decks, damage report! Worf : Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor. Data : Shields are now up, captain. Picard : And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship. Worf : Aye, sir. (He punches buttons on the weapons console.) Picard : Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. Data : I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console. Picard : Well, damn it, install the right one. Data : Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. Picard : Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? Riker : I left them with Geordi. LaForge : (in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still had them! Picard : Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory? Data : Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. Picard : Data, I don't have Setup Implant #1. Data : Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? Picard : Abort! Data : Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? Picard : Well, fail, then! Data : Current nose is no longer valid. Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship. LaForge : (alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing? Picard : Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? Riker : Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots. Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless. Picard : What's going on? LaForge : (checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. Picard : These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them. The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later. Ferengi : (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it is a memory hog and leaves very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, but Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all the other system activity. He is finding that some other applications like PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all; crashing the system when selected, even though they worked fine before. At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Additionally, system performance seems to diminish with each day passing. Some features he would like to see in the upcoming WIFE 2.0: 1) A "Do Not Remind Me Again" button. 2) A "Minimize" button. 3) An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of Cache and other system resources. 4) An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I have however decided to avoid all of these headaches associated with Wife 1.0 and have decided to stick with Girlfriend 2.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems: Apparantly you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must first uninstall Girlfriend 1.0. Other users say this is a longstanding bug which I should have been aware of. Apparantly the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over the shared use of the I/O port. You would think they have fixed such a bug by now. To make matters worse; the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 does not work very well and tends to leave undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks; all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. No feature is provided where one could disable these message pop-ups. Bug warning Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug: If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, then Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files before automatically uninstalling. Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources. Bug workaround To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Below is some correspondence wich actually occoured between a London Hotel staff, and one of it's guests. The London hotel submitted it to the sunday times. No name was mentioned...
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------------------------------
In order to assure the higest levels of quality work and productivity
from our employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
{S.H.I.T.} We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediatly placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all of the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be put in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
{D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.} Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously
will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING {E.A.T. S.H.I.T.}
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they
don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add you name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE
LIST {B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.} Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will
get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF
INTENSITY PROGRAMMING {D.I.P. S.H.I.T.}
Thank You,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
{B.I.G. S.H.I.T.}
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.