Currently, sUmUs cAcOOnUs, D. E., is going through his "borborymus phase," resulting in a lengthy extinction burst of maladaptive behavior. It's enough to make you sick.
Sumus Cacoonus, born to pansavants, suckled by celebrity wet-nursers, was raised to know the difference between a great many things...right and wrong, right and left, Goofus and Gallant, the haves and the have-nots, the halves and the wholes, a hole in the ground and his...
Ass-backwards, he presented as breech at the time of his birth."This kid's going to have," the doctor, Dr. Semicolon, said, "a big crack-up." Well, his Mom, convinced that this was funny by the time the Ketamine kicked in, laughed and laughed and laughed herself right into an explosive precipitous delivery. The APGAR was 9/11--one on for attitude.
As a child, he amazed his teachers by continuing to will the intactness of the Hoover Dam. "Just think what would happen," many said, "if he weren't born in America." Indeed, many catastrophes ensued outside of his "sphere" of influence.
At age 14, he was accepted to Star Tech Academy, in Battle Creek, where he excelled in esoteric cataclysmic solar erogenences...and cereals.
Sumus the geopolitical philosopher is the one
who first uttered the caveat, "If this weren't a free world, I could tell
you to float in the air, and you'd HAVE to do it."
Sumus the religious perspectivist is the guy
who told the Jehovah's Witnesses, "Jesus gave the first blood transfusion,
fellas, when He said, 'Take this and
drink--not so fast, Judas--for this is my blood.'"
Dr. Semicolon, the family doctor, diagnosed
him with the very rare and effervescent Neurora Borealis,
but those flashing insights in his hippocampus came at a price. Every time
he had one, he absolutely had to smoke a non-filtered cigarette, thus assuring
his early, prolonged, extremely painful death.
And for that he won the Philip Morris Not-Addictive Mortality and Moribundity Award. His acceptance speech, which left the entire tobacco convention speechless, was:
Twenty years later, his bronchial cilia are finally attaining re-viability and his taste buds are re-epithelializing. "So that's why they say pistachio ice cream tastes so good," he's been quoted as saying.
Now, every time he sees somone smoking, he just shakes his head and mutters, He is one of the rare Bichol Dysphasics, those individuals who are able to interchangeably release serotonin, acetylcholine, dopamine, and norepinephrine in their synaptic neuropathways. But he favors the serotonin and dopamine especially, allowing him to enjoy whatever self-indulgence there may be left in this life--and without guilt. Simply stated, and chemically mediated, when he sees a yellow light, he doesn't choose to speed up, but HAS TO. When he sees a green light, he reflexly toots the guy in front of him. When the car in the next lane puts on a blinker, he is brain-stem-driven to speed up. Bichol Dysphasia is endemic in the greater NewOrleans and Boston areas, and in Rome of course.
Unllike the French, he does not consider Jerry Lewis to be a comic genius. But he does feel Jerry Garcia is grateful.
Is he a doctor, or does just want to play one on TV? It is left to the student of the Hasty Generalization Fallacy to judge.
The Nation of DiLingo, Sango Jingo