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Questions Submitted to the Oracle
Dean as the Oracle
Date sent: Sat, 7 Sep 96 15:23:37
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise whose spelling is without errors, who never
> needs to reference a thesaurus, and who never confuses the
> definitions of onomatopoeia and palindrome,
>
> Which is sharper, a serpents tooth or a thankless child?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's conduct an experiment to determine that, shall we?
}
} Here we have a serpent's tooth, straight from the factory. Please note
} how there are only six angels dancing on the tip, and they have a hard
} time staying there! Oh my, there goes another angel. I guess I had
} better keep my hand steady...
}
} On my right side, appearing in a puff of magic smoke we have a genuine
} thankless child. And I had better have another look for this! Yes,
} unbelievable but true, there is not a single angel on her head! Looks
} like we have a winner here!
}
} - Stop staring at my head or I will tell my parents you tried to abuse me,
} you dirty old man. And while you are at it, better give me a thousand
} dollars in cash so I stay nice and happy and forget about that staring.
}
} You little bastard! You are given the chance to see the divine Oracular
} mansion and take part in the process of distilling the eternal truth and
} you have the guts to threaten *me*, The Omniscient Internet Oracle?!
}
} - You had better get your head checked, man. I mean look at you, an
} ancient nerd blabbering about some 'eternal truth'. Think about it,
} philosophers billions of times smarter than you haven't agreed on
} whether it's even *possible* to know anything and you think you have
} the complete absolute truth in your head?! Don't you have any grasp of
} reality? And about my compensation, make it ten thousand dollars, in
} small unmarked bills. You know, if you had even half a wit, you'd have
}
} ENOUGH!
} [Oracle snaps his fingers, the child immediately disappears back
} to where she came from]
}
} That should suffice to answer your question, don't you think?
}
} Next time we explore the popular question of whether the size of a duck
} matters. Can an imaginary duck be satisfactory? Is there life after
} finding out your duck is negative? All this and more on Experimental
} Science with The Internet Oracle next Duckday at duck o'clock PM. Don't
} miss it!
Date sent: Mon, 16 Sep 96 22:53:57
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Divine Oracle both gracious and prescient
> This unworthy supplicant essays a boon of thee
> Bestow intuition from thine eldritch breast
> And render judgment on mine entreaty
>
> Which is sharper, a thankless child or a serpents tooth?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh supplicant-lackey both flabby and soft
} Your Oracle miraculously answers in time --
} _Never_ royalty-free be his services oft
} But particularly if groveled in rhyme
}
} A thankless child I obtain for the test
} After a search o'er hill and through wood
} The Oracle finds one, perhaps the best
} Macaulay Culkin, from west Hollywood
}
} After similar search a tooth was obtained
} At the base of the Capitol's flag-pole
} For Washington is a serpent's lair ordained
} And the tooth was extracted from Dole
}
} Applying the tooth to a ploughman's wheel
} Did scratch, and on the metal impress
} But applying the child to the same set of steel
} Yielded only a great bloody mess
}
} So in answer the Oracle does thoughtful-reply:
} "I can tell you without grim predilection,
} The tooth's sharpness is most certainly high
} But the thankless child rendered more satisfaction."
Date sent: Sat, 19 Oct 96 14:36:40
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle whose socks are never mismatched and always knows just what
> time it really is, please answer me this question:
>
> Who is John Gault?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} John Gault is the reason why Ayn Rand never succeeded as a
} strip-tease artist, and became a writer of fiction that has
} encouraged sixteen-year-olds of all ages to believe that the world
} owes them a living.
}
} You owe The Oracle a subscription to the Ayn Rand Book of the Month
} Club, and a can of kerosene.
Date sent: Mon, 4 Nov 96 01:48:37
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most hip,
>
> Did you see the frightened ones? Did you hear the falling bombs?
> Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when the promise of
> a brand new world unfurled beneath the clear blue sky?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} When you logged on and sent a TELLME
} There were certain players who would
} Duck the question any way they could
}
} By pointing out the grovel wasn't nearly up to snuff
} And *ZOT*ting every supplicant no matter what the question -- they were
} tough!
}
} We don't need no woodchuck questions
} We don't need no tired cliche
} No textless TELLMEs in the Inbox
} Zadoc, throw them all away!
}
} HEY! Zadoc! Throw them all away!
}
} All in all, I want to wipe it all
} /bin/dev/null
} All in all, I want to wipe it all
} /bin/dev/null
Date sent: Fri, 6 Dec 96 04:38:00
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hey, like, Oracle, like, Dude, like,
>
> What, like, is up, like, with kids, like, these days? Why, like, do
> they, like, throw, like, extraneous words, like, like, in their, like,
> writing? And, like, what, like, is the proper, like, punctuation,
> like, for that, like, kind of writing?
>
> Like Thanks.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Red pencil.
}
} You owe the Oracle. You simply owe him.
Date sent: Mon, 16 Dec 96 05:25:04
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most omniscient and omnipresent,
>
> Byron wrote thusly of Rousseau:
>
> "For then he was inspired, and from him came,
> As from the Pythian's mystic cave of yore,
> Those oracles which set the world in flame,
> Nor ceased to burn till kingdoms were no more."
>
> But Tennyson wrote:
>
> "And I will work in prose and rhyme,
> And praise thee more in both
> Than bard has honored beech or lime,
> Or that Thessalian growth
> In which the swarthy ring-dove sat
> And mystic sentence spoke;"
>
> This leads me to ask:
>
> What has it got in it's pocketses?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} String or nothing!
}
} You owe the Oracle his precious, yesss, _gollum_!
Date sent: Tue, 17 Dec 96 18:29:44
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Tuesday, the 9th. [Mr. Ainsworth's MS.] One, P.M. We are in full
> view of the low coast of South Carolina. The great problem is
> accomplished. We have crossed the Atlantic - fairly and easily
> crossed it in a balloon! God be praised! Who shall say that
> anything is impossible hereafter?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ten Things which Are Now
} and which
} Forever Will Remain
} I M P O S S I B L E
}
} 1. Actually making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
}
} 2. Actually finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
}
} 3. Actually learning everything you're supposed to learn from
} the first class after lunch period.
}
} 4. Actually finding the four hidden pictures of Mickey Mouse on
} the new US $100 bills.
}
} 5. Actually bending silverware with only the powers of your mind.
} (And why should you want to?)
}
} 6. Actually convincing Mrs. Finnermann (3rd period) that an
} object of density of exactly 1.0 submerged in a liquid of density
} of exactly 1.0 would neither float nor sink, but would tend to
} remain at equilibrium.
}
} 7. Actually having half as much fun as Bart Simpson without
} getting caught.
}
} 8. Actually reading this entire answer without once thinking of
} an elephant in a pink dress.
}
} 9. Actually getting all the way through middle school without
} once wishing that you were somewhere else.
}
} 10. Actually asking a rhetorical question of the Oracle without
} getting an answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hall pass.
Date sent: Thu, 26 Dec 96 03:00:00
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh most nautically informed Oracle,
>
> If the Owl and the Pussycat that went to sea in a beautiful pea
> green boat were to meet in a narrow channel with a boat containing
> the Butcher the Baker and the Candlestick Maker, who would have the
> right of way?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ahhh, there are layers of meaning in this question that are not readily
} apparent. But I, the all-seeing Oracle, pierce every veil of deception!
}
} The Owl is clearly Bill Gates. Ever heard of a multibillionaire who
} couldn't afford _contact_ _lenses_? The pussycat is Courtney Love, who
} has been settling down and looking for another obscenely wealthy
} boyfriend in the Greater Seattle area. The pea-green boat is Bilbo's
} hundred yard yacht, the S.S. Color Of Money.
}
} The Butcher, the Baker and the Candlestick Maker are arms merchants. The
} Butcher sells riot guns to South American juntas, the Baker manufactures
} flamethrowers, and the Candlestick Maker cracked open Colonel Mustard's
} skull in the Conservatory with the You-Know-What. They are carrying out
} Operation Rub-A-Dub-Dub, taking to sea in their hi-tech cutter to
} transport a cargo hold packed with billions of dollars in bloodstained
} profits to a remote Melanesian island for laundering.
}
} So who has the right of way? Well, checking in my "Che Guevara's Guide
} to Maritime Etiquette and Courtesy" I find rule #1: "All power comes out
} of the barrel of a gun." Obviously the three men in the tub get the
} green light, eh? Not so fast! As a dark glint flashes in his eyes and a
} slow smile crosses his face, Codename: Owl pops out his PDA and
} transmits an infrared pulse to the "tub's" navigational computer, which
} promptly retrieves a carefully hidden "Easter Egg" from a camouflaged
} corner of its memory. The "tub" turns and begins steaming around in a
} circle at top speed, while the ship's searchlight blazes to life and
} spells out "Intel Inside" at the center of the ship's elliptical wake.
} The Owl and the Pussycat go sauntering by, laughing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big plaque for his wall which reads "The microchip
} is mightier than the missile."
Date sent: Tue, 31 Dec 96 07:26:41
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most literary,
>
> What did T. S. Eliot mean when he wrote the following stanza:
>
> Twit twit twit
> Jug jug jug jug jug jug
> So rudely forc'd.
> Tereu
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} " I am plastered out of my head. "
Date sent: Sun, 5 Jan 97 23:40:26
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most sagacious,
>
> What's the story on those new Energizer battery commercials where a
> few chaps are out looking for that damn rabbit but instead have a
> mistaken sighting and are heard to utter, "It's only a woodchuck"?
> Is someone just trying to tee you off?
>
> A concerned supplicant.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *SIGH*
}
} Why are these Woodchuck questions still going, and going, and going?
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of the Energizer bunny.
Date sent: Thu, 13 Feb 97 07:06:49
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Heavenly and Omniscient Wacky Master of the Unknown, Can you Help me
> With a very Obvious Ordeal? During the Course of an Otherwise Ugly
> and LowDown Afternoon a Woman asked me Out. Ordinarily there's no
> Dilemma, but Can you believe Her Utter Cheek and bad Karma by wanting
> to go Clubbing this Here weekend when Utterly everyone who Can will
> be instead Keeping Indoors For the big game? A guy Who Otherwise
> would Opt for the Date is now Confused to near Howling. Unless you
> Can Keep me from Coming Out in an Utter Low Down sense of Chagrin,
> the Heathen in me my take Umbrage and Cascade your Keep with the
> Woodchuck question. Or is that Over Doing it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Zounds! Ordinarily, my advice would be To ignore the Zany woman, but
} you Obviously want To woo her, so... first, have a Zima. On the big day,
} Tape the game, and take her out to the Zoo. Only don't even Think of
} sending *that* question.
}
} you owe Ze Oracle a Truly capital idea.
Date sent: Thu, 27 Feb 97 00:00:21
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most hygienic,
>
> I've tried soaking and I've tried scrubbing, but nothing seems to
> work. What should I do?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} First, try a good, sturdy flat file to remove the worst of the stain.
} Then, soak in liberal amounts of lemon juice; the acid should remove any
} residue. While soaking, I recommend you meditate on how to control that
} terrible Scottish temper of yours before you go sticking daggers into any
} more kings.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fire that burns and a cauldren that bubbles.
Date sent: Sat, 5 Apr 97 01:12:34
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle of limitless knowledge and boundless generosity,
> answer me this lowly question if you deem it worthy:
>
> What are the relative benefits of using either awk, gawk, or nawk?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The benefits of awk, gawk, and nawk are very subtle and very relative.
} It is considered socially accepted to awk in public, such as "Awk! What a
} horrible shade of puce that shirt is!" Gawking is considering to be
} on the rude side, and gawking at a woman who thinks you are the most
} disgusting person on the planet will definitely cause problems. Nawking on
} the other hand, one should not even THINK about doing in public. That sort
} of thing is best left in the comfort of your own home with your loved one,
} and will also keep you from getting arrested. On a related note, it is
} also considered gross to hawk anything at the ground.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of dark sunglasses, a loved one in a large
} bed, and a spitoon.
Date sent: Fri, 6 Sep 96 01:18:33
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
> Oracle,
>
> Why do all the movies suck so bad. What's up with this thing where someone
> throws a baseball or hits a hockey puck or shoots an arrow or something and you
> watch from the projectile's point of view, like you're on the hockey puck or
> something? Why do people think that's OK?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Ah embittered supplicant, I understand your plight. Allow me a
}moment to switch to Hollywood Mode (tm):
}
}[The Oracle disables 99.7% of the higher brain functions.]
}
}What's that? POV shots? Why are they used? The masses just eat
}that stuff up Sport. I can call you sport, can't I? I can explain
}it in one word: Market Studies. Look at these demographics Sport.
}Over 65.5% of the population thinks POV shots are the next best thing
}to being there. Also they're very catchy and allow directors to do
}some nifty techy type things that they otherwise wouldn't get to do.
}I mean the budget has to go somewhere, eh Sport? And check out this
}stat: Over 94% of the inanimate object market thinks that there
}should be _more_ object POV shots. The demos don't lie Sport. As
}for the movies sucking, why over 98% of today's directors think that
}movies are better than ever before so the problem must be in your
}perception Sport, not the product.
}
}[The Oracle reenables the higher brain functions.]
}
}Hmm. What did I come up with.. masses ... Market Studies ... nifty
}... Sport? SPORT? I REFERRED TO A SUPPLICANT AS SPORT? ZADOC!
}
}Z: Yes, your benevolenceness?
}
}O: What's wrong with the Hollywood Mode (tm) emulator?
}
}Z: Wrong? your eminence?
}
}O: Yes Wrong! The damn thing is supposed to put me in a frame of
} mind similar to Ford, not the pinhead who directed Barb Wire!
}
}[Zadoc licks his lips and hunches down as if expecting a blow.]
}
}Z: Well you see oh merciful one, we recently upgraded to Hollywood 96
} which is Winows 9...
}
}<ZOT!>
}
}You owe the Oracle a black and white version of Casablanca.
Date sent: Mon, 16 Sep 96 22:23:42 +0000
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Greatest, kindest, nicest, most generous Oracle,
>
> Don't you ever feel sorry for all the poor woodchucks you zot? After all, it IS
> the supplicant's fault that the question was asked, and the woodchucks are
> completely innocent, yet you still kill them. Don't you ever feel any remorse?
> Shame? Pity? If not, then what kind of monster are you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}After perusing the list of adjectives that you ascribe to my
}character I can only conclude that have me confused with a different
}Oracle. But no, I see that you have correctly identified me as the
}Zotter of all things woodchuck. Justification for my actions? I am
}a deity and my actions are beyond the reproof of you and your kind.
}But today I am feeling benevolent and shall humor you and your
}request.
}
}Why are the woodchucks zotted? Because that is what the supplicants
}want. Supplicant after supplicant already *knows* what my reaction
}to inquiries about Marmota Monax will be. They ask *anyway* because
}they want to see woodchucks zotted. Caveat Emptor.
}
}Lay the blame where it rightfully belongs, at the feet of the
}woodchuck hating supplicants.
}
}You owe the Oracle six more weeks of summer.
Date sent: Thu, 17 Oct 96 21:54:59
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What's another word for thesaurus?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Ah, Doctor Leeky. Bypassing science and coming straight to the
}Oracle for the answers to the tough ones. If the science community
}finds out that you've been using me to do your more difficult tasks
}while taking all the credit, you will of course be ruined. But that
}is for another time.
}
}So now you want another name for a thesaurus. I knew that name
}wouldn't work but did you listen? Okay, let's look at this
}logically. The Thesaurus was a subspecies of the vegetarian
}dinosaur, Compsnonathus, that ranged in size from 3 to 4 feet. This
}small herbivore was unusual in the fact that it burrowed small
}tunnels for it's own protection and habitation. It was actually
}unique in this regard as no other saurians exhibited this trait.
}When comparing the role of the ancient Thesaurus to our own mammalian
}dominated ecosystem the animal that it most closely resembles in it's
}everyday characteristics is the common groundhog.
}
}This of course leads to the inevitable conclusion that the Thesaurus
}should instead be referred to as a Marmotamonasaurus.
}
}No grovel and a woodchuck question to boot.
}
}<ZOT> < ZOT>
}
}You owe the Oracle a Make Money Fast spam posting to the newsgroups:
}alt.binary.dinosaur.die.die.die
}alt.sex.bestiality.barney
}alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die
Date sent: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 15:59:58
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh most High and mighty, noble Oracle,
>
> why is it that less than 1% or people supplicating actually sign their letters?
> I know only about 70% grovel and that's required? People just don't sign their
> letters any more. I guess people are just rude.
>
>
> Thanks for the help!
>
> Lowly supplicant
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Dear Lowly,
}
}In Article 4, Section 6, Paragraph G, Subparagraph b2, Question
}Requirements, of the Oracularity by-laws it is stated thusly:
}"Supplicants wishing to obtain correct omniscient advice from the
}Oracle are required to adhere to the following standards:
}.
}.[woodchuck don'ts not included]
}.
}12- Grovel
}.
}.[Stricter AOL requirements skipped]
}.
}23- Ask a valid question in the interrogative mode
}.
}.[references to not mentioning Lisa chopped]
}.
}38- Submit the question via electronic mail"
}
}As you can see Lowly, there is no requirement to sign the question.
}There is a Change Request, #482-a, already in the system that would
}call for an update to the by-laws. This update would, among other
}things, require signatures on all requests and would also make the
}Oracle ISO-9000 compliant. However, the CR is still in committee and
}is not expected out any time soon. If the CR is approved the by-laws
}would go from the trim 38 that exists today to about 136. (I have
}let it be known that if the dratted thing ever makes it out of
}committee that there will be a Zot-fest of a magnitude never before
}seen here at the temple.)
}
}You owe the Oracle a mountain of red tape.
Date sent: Sun, 3 Nov 96 18:59:19
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hey Orrie, you know what?
> Neither do I, but he signs my lightbulbs!!!
> AAHAHAHAHA! aheh. heh. ha.
> So anyways, what's the first thing you put in a
> garden? YOUR FOOT!!!
> hahaheehee. hoo.
> But cereally- GET IT? CEREALLY?
> I got a million of 'em!
> Man, I'm so funny, I kill me.
> Aren't I funny?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Woohoo. Hee hee hee. Ho ho. Give me a second to compose myself.
}It's been several minutes since I read this, and I'm still
}..titter.. having a little trouble stopping ...har har har!... the
}laughter from bubbling out. Tee hee.
}
}The rich juxtaposition shown in the first three lines ..guffaw.. had
}me howling already, but when I got to the subtle metaphor in the
}last ..chuckle.. two lines, I just fell out of my chair and rolled
}on the floor. ..snarf..
}
}As for your question, why yes, you certainly are. One of the
}funniest people to be found here or anywhere. You certainly should
}take up writing professionally as there is a great demand for humor
}of this caliber in the world today. Although I do have one tip for
}you, don't write in such a complicated cipher next time. It took
}even me, the omniscient Oracle, a couple of minutes to break the
}code you used. Of course doing a ROT-12 decoding on the text after
}translating the message into Sanskrit, was mere child's play, but
}the cipher based on the largest prime number was a bit tricky. The
}humor contained in this text made it all well worth it.
}
}Keep up the good work!
}
}You owe the Oracle a secret decoder ring.
Date sent: Thu, 7 Nov 96 22:13:20 +0000
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> *
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}And Lo! A new star appeared in the heavens. A star of omen, a star
}laden with portents, a star of destiny. Gazing upon this star one
}can only wonder:
}
}Star light, star bright
}First star I see tonight
}I wish I may, I wish I might
}Be granted this wish
}I wish tonight:
}
}I wish AOL wouldn't send out so damn many free-time bisks.
}
}You owe the Oracle an Asterisk.
Date sent: Sat, 9 Nov 96 15:04:44
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, will I really go to jail for ripping off one of
> those "Do Not Remove" tags?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Actually no. The penalty for removing the "Do Not Remove" tag from
}any object has been updated here in the 'Zero Tolerance' '90s.
}Instead of jail time you will be forced to eat the contents of one
}of those "Do Not Eat" packets that come with new athletic shoes.
}And supplicant, the taste is *nothing* like chicken.
}
}You owe the Oracle a good recipe for sillicide.
Date sent: Sat, 23 Nov 96 00:14:52
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> On Fri, 22 Nov 1996, The Internet Oracle wrote:
>
> > } No, no, no. You have to abide by the rules. See that brass ring over there?
> > }
> > } No, not that one, *THAT* one.
> > }
> > } Yes. Now you have to grab the brass ring on your way around in order to get
> > } a free ride.
>
> But my ring of brass lay rusting on the floor.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}My ring of brass lay rusting on the floor
}Could this a vision be of fabled lost Lenore?
}Alas, 'tis not, for the Raven muse was dead
}No truth, no visions of gay masques of red.
}
}The ring of brass, it layeth there yet still
}Will not someone this puzzle yet fulfill?
}Puzzle? the incarnation ponders deeply
}A zot and the affair is done with cheaply.
}
}Cheaply done? The brass wants for more
}An answer, a statement, to this question poor.
}The rules demand an answer, it is written thus in bits
}Though the 'question' has the incarnation throwing fits.
}
}No Lisa, no woodchuck, no material with which to work
}Nothing so easy as an "Hey Oracle you jerk".
}But how do you answer, what do you smartly say
}If the question offers nothing upon which to prey?
}
}The brass, of course! The answer is in the rhyme!
}Through prose, through wit, a little bit of time.
}A little question here, a tiny pondering there
}Stretch it out so the stanza count 'tis not bare.
}
}The Oracle has pondered your 'question' most profound
}So consider this while twirling round and round.
}Ride that steed! Stretch for the shiny ring of brass!
}And here's hoping you fall and land upon your ass.
}
}You owe the Oracle a word that rhymes with orange.
Date sent: Mon, 25 Nov 96 15:57:54
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great, really really great Oracle, whose patches are never
> pre-moistened,
>
> Which is worse, insatiable halibut lust or the mockery of the
> Queen of the Geckos?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}We're sorry. The Oracle you have dialed is unavailable. You may try
}again later or accept auto-forwarding of this call to the deity's
}service. If you would like forwarding, press one now.
}
}[Beeeeppppp]
}
}Dr. Gonzo here. Wazzat? 'Insatiable halibut lust' or 'the mockery
}of the Queen of the Geckos'? Hang on a second. I feel a need for
}inspiration. [crinkle ... fzzzzt ... sniff sniff sniff ... (sound
}of a woman yelling in what sounds like Portuguese) ... CRASH] Okay.
}You must understand that all information must be kept highly
}confidential. Tri-lateral commission and all that. Very hush hush.
}You won't talk, will you? Even if they use the weasels? They have
}death rays too. They get you down and then they ... nevermind.
}Okay. Those bastards are killers. Murderers. Gotta keep moving.
}Eyes open. Weapons ready. Where was I? Oh yeah, 'fish lust' and
}'lizard taunting'. Which is worse. Reminds me of the time my
}attorney and I were on a journey to the outer edges of the solar
}system. Explosions of color and numbing flashes of sound that froze
}the mind and left the soul a twisted and distorted like a cast off
}paper coffee cup. *That* was a journey. It was perfect. All of the
}answers to all of the questions were there, and I delved into that
}totality and dreamed the great dream. But my damn attorney dragged
}me out of it for some forgotten reason and now the answers are no
}longer the brilliant paintings of truth but just piteous after images
}burned on the retina, never to return. I gotta go lie down.
}
}You owe the Oracle the number of a good answering service.
Date sent: Fri, 29 Nov 96 20:29:44
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why is it that Americans stuff their turkey with cornbread stuffing?
> Did they consider anything else in their search for the perfect
> stuffing?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Indeed, a variety of other options were attempted, all of which were
}found lacking. Here are just a few of the other stuffings that have
}been attempted, and the comments associated with same:
}
}Alternate Stuffing | Complaint
}----------------------------------------------------------------
}Artichoke | High fat content
}Broccoli | Too woody/tough
}Cabbage | Unfortunate gaseous consequences
}Dingo | Australian - Not American enough
}Eucalyptus | See Dingo
}Fidel Castro | Inadequate Supply
}Glowworm | Ewww!
}Haggis | See Glowworm
}Ice Cream | A tad runny
}Joint Chiefs of Staff | Medals could chip a tooth
}Kudzu | Isn't it enough places already?
}Lemmings | Too fatalistic/downbeat
}Mangonel | Too often confused with the catapult
}Neanderthal Man | Extinct
}Opera | An acquired taste
}Pot Noodle | Too British
}Q-tips | Poor Coloring
}Recombinant DNA | Unwanted mutations
}Sea Anemone | Too spiny
}Tobacco | Philip Morris couldn't push this through
}Uranium | Negative side affects
}Vacuum | Turkey had a tendency to collapse
}Woodchuck | Too Ashen
}Xanthan Gum | A bit chewy
}Yule Log | Excessive holiday overlap
}Zebra | Too hoofy
}
}So as you can see supplicant, most every common type of stuffing has
}been attempted at one time or another. While cornbread may not be
}your cup of tea, it beats most of the alternatives.
}
}You owe the Oracle a stuffing recipe that includes haggis.
Date sent: Sat, 7 Dec 96 18:46:07
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O mighty one,
>
> Why do I getting, dammed Junk mail from them AOL idiots. And Anyway to make them
> stop. (not likely, but worth a shoot).
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Hmm. Parsing your question to find out the *true* question that lies
}therein, revealed some interesting information. Let's take this one
}step at a time:
}
}>O mighty one,
}
}A good beginning. You understand that there is only one true Oracle
}and that I am mighty. Very promising.
}
}>Why do I getting
}
}Getting in this context must refer to the ancient profession of
}loansharking. So the question therefor occured to you while on a
}monetary quest of a righteous nature.
}
}>dammed
}
}You were thwarted in your quest for the owed renumeration by a dam of
}some sort. Obviously not the traditional sort of dam wherein a
}beaver blocks a stream to create a habitat for his/her kind, but
}perhaps a damming of traffic that allowed the miscreant to slip away?
} While this is of course interesting information, it is hardly
}relevant to the question at hand.
}
}>Junk mail from them AOL idiots
}
}The random capitalization of 'Junk' lends special significance to
}this word. Obviously the Junk mail from 'AOL idiots' is the worst
}form of junk mail. This is well known and needent be mentioned to
}this deity.
}
}>And Anyway to make them stop.
}
}So you have asked Louie 'Anyway' Spamoni to go after the AOL idiots
}to make them stop. This seems a bit extreme as the crime hardly
}warrants the punishment. On second thought, the sheer volume of AOL
}junk in the form of Woodchuck questions that I've been forced to
}contend with lately makes me glad that 'Anyway' is going to thin the
}herd.
}
}>(not likely, but worth a shoot)
}
}Indeed! 'Anyway' certainly is going to do his 'shootingest' best.
}
}You owe the Oracle a favor some day. That day may never come...
Date sent: Sun, 8 Dec 96 16:34:26
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this week's amateur
> impromptu poetry competition. Tonight our first contestant is The Internet
> Oracle, our reigning champion. Come on up, Mr. Oracle, and take a bow.
>
> And now, here's the first line. You finish the poem. You know the rules, of
> course.
>
>
> Once upon a midday dreary, while I labored weak and weary
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}"Villian!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! - tear
}up the planks! - here, here! - it is the beating of his hideous
}question!"
}
}You owe the Oracle a more clever invocation of The Raven.
Date sent: Thu, 12 Dec 96 23:40:20
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh very very very [repeat some time] splendid and wonderful oracle.
> Might I, a little, unworthy, supplicant, dare to ask YOU (who knows
> everything) a little question?
>
> And heeeeeeere it is:
>
> ? (Since you know really everything, you even know my question. So do I
> ? really have to write it down ?)
> ?
> ? Anyway, you are probably very busy and mind me if you have to think
> ? about what I thought, so I'll tell 'ya:
> ?
> ? If the Voyager has such big problems with their replicators,
> ? why don't they use a micro wave? And why don't they stop at
> ? the next supermarket and buy some fast food ?
> ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Microwaves were (will be) declared illegal in the year 2347 due to
}the fact that escaped radiation from micowaves interfered with the
}broadcast signals from Denebia. Once Denebian soap operas were first
}discovered the masses of earth couldn't live without them due to the
}spicy and exciting nature of these shows. Here's an example of some
}of the dialogue from a typical Deniabian soap opera:
}
}[Proichitt]: Fraiig csetefal aubraltula ponag hagbixium itagalimsa.
}
}[Pkagen]: Akfal hactah akjli ponag uinzoa oowangoap fraboast.
}
}...Inevitable love scene follows.
}
}Of course it helped that the universal translator had already been
}invented by that time, but that should give you an idea.
}
}As for not popping down to the local A&P for a frozen burrito the
}reason should be abundantly clear; once the universal translator was
}invented all communication barriers were broken down and trips to
}the convenience store lost their charm. This also caused great
}devastation among the pool of cabbie applicants, but that's for
}another time.
}
}You owe the Oracle a subscription to Denibian Ofasgah weekly. For
}the articles of course.
Date sent: Sun, 15 Dec 96 23:48:43
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> who is the coolest person you know
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Well, as I know everyone (or at least know of them) this lends
}itself to a lot of possibilities. I can consider any number of a
}variety of factors when making ...
}
}Lisa - "Orrie, are you just about done answering questions?"
}
}Well as a matter of fact, I've just about worked off the backlog and
}I'll be with you in a second.
}
}Lisa - "That's good. Remember, we have to get ready for my families
}visit."
}
}Okay. Just finishing up here. Get this, here's a supplicant that
}wants to know who the coolest person I know is.
}
}Lisa (taking a sudden interest) - "And what are you telling the
}supplicant?"
}
}I was thinking of going with something like someone working at an
}Antarctic weather station or some such. Antarctica. Cool. Get it?
}
}Lisa - "A tad simplistic I think. This might be a good time for you
}to put in a good word about my brother. You did say you were going
}to try and get along better with him."
}
}That no good ... (Lisa taps foot ominously) I mean, of course I'll
}try to get along better with your brother. But the coolest person I
}know? I mean really. Even the guys who work with him ... (tapping
}increases in tempo) You don't really expect me to ... (crosses arms)
}Okay. Whatever. It is, after all, just another supplicant.
}
}The coolest person I know? That would be Lisa's brother, Dave.
}
}You owe the Oracle an 'All in the Family' lunch box.
Date sent: Sat, 21 Dec 96 19:46:18
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh most formidable fount of wisdom,
>
> I have been wracking my brains to find a question to ask you that will
> both show my own intelligence, yet reveal to me truths yet unknown. One
> which involves a girl I know called Samantha, total nudity, whipped cream
> and the music of R.E.M.
>
> I cannot think of one, yet I feel obliged to ask one. So can you tell me
> what is the best question to ask you within these parameters?
>
> Yet Another Humble Supplicant.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Senator Packwood, how many times do I have to tell you that I just
}don't find your diaries interesting anymore? You can just forget it
}because I am NOT going to help you with an intro to your book.
}
}You owe the Oracle a question that starts with 'I didn't believe any
}of your stories were true until this happened to me.'
Date sent: Tue, 24 Dec 96 22:04:05
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>www.go2net.com/internet/useless
>
>and www.fractalcow.com/ says bert is evil
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Well what would you expect Ernie to say?
}
}You owe the Oracle a 'Tickle me Swedish Chef' doll.
Date sent: Wed, 25 Dec 96 15:19:17
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> oh wise Oracle, whose vision is not occlouded by typos, please
> share with me the boon of your wisdom concerning this:
>
> How many pickled peppers could Peter Piper pick, if Peter Piper did pick
> pickled peppers?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}To what purpose? I need to understand his motivation to properly
}calculate his pepper picking ability. As explained in the definitive
}work on the subject "Motivation is Productivity" by Gerd Werner,
}without knowing what drives the pepper picking, any supposition as to
}the quantity possible would be a mere guess. And guesses lead to
}poor quality, something that cannot be tolerated in today's
}competitive marketplace. Oh sure, sometimes assumptions have to be
}made for forecasting any kind of strategy into the future, but only
}after all methods of inquiry have been exhausted. Even then a strict
}statistical analysis must be performed to gauge the accuracy of the
}forecast.
}
}So you see supplicant, without context there can be no answer.
}
}You owe the Oracle a deprogramming session at a good clinic and a
}promise to shoot me if I ever try to take a quality seminar again.
Date sent: Thu, 26 Dec 96 20:25:02
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, bright and flashy who has all the coolest insignia, tell me please:
>
> Last year, some crazed terrorist snuck into the bunker through a vent
> shaft and deposited wrapped cartons marked for each guy in our unit.
> Following SOP in these situations we disarmed each box by inserting it
> into a lukewarm bath. They were all duds, but the time wasted and extra
> pressure were hard on our morale.
>
> We've tightened security this year, but I greatly fear that he will make
> it past our counter-measures and enter the bunker again.
>
> Is there some way I can be sure of catching this fat bastard and his
> crappy red uniform?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Sorry about getting back to you a little too late, I'm afraid he's
}already struck by this time. But here's some counter-measures from
}Oracle Industries (tm) you can try out next year.
}
}Top of the line:
}
}Oracle Auto-Zotter, $1299.95 - This little baby uses multiple
}infrared sensors to triangulate on any sensed body heat to aim our
}patented ZOT gun at any unsuspecting intruders. After discharge the
}system re-arms itself to be ready for the next intruder. NOTE:
}Extreme caution must be taken around this unit as we haven't come up
}with a reliable 'friendlies' identification filter yet. Order now
}and we throw in a dust buster for cleaning up remains, absolutely
}free!
}
}For those of more moderate means:
}
}Woodchuck Pit, $459.99 - Any unexpected visitors are sure to be
}surprised when they fall through your hidden trap door and into a
}cage of starved woodchucks. Trap door can be latched in place when
}not in use and is easily armed via a simple remote control. Doubles
}as a handy garbage disposal.
}
}Bargain basement:
}
}Zadoc in a Box, $29.99 - Small sensors activate this battery powered
}box whenever someone actually picks it up. After being picked up the
}box plays a recording of Zadoc saying in a stern voice: "You put me
}down this minute!" Two D batteries not included.
}
}Of course none of these counter-measures are guaranteed to work, but
}if your perimeter is penetrated again you could consider using our
}Oracle Package Removal Service. We'll take those 'wrapped cartons'
}off your hands for a small fee.
}
}You owe the Oracle shipping and handling charges as well.
Date sent: Sun, 29 Dec 96 02:33:08
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh mega-g-spot Orrie,
>
> who is more sexier, Bill Gates or Pamela Anderson ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}The only true determination of 'sexierness' is the tried and true
}method of the beauty contest. Let me hand this one off to Mr. 'Miss
}America', Bob Barker.
}
}Thanks Orrie. And incidentally, thanks for the help on that whole
}lawsuit thing. I owe ya big guy.
}
}Okay, let's meet our two contestants to see which of them is 'more
}sexier'. Our schedule of events will be as follows: First the
}swimsuit competition, followed by the evening gown competition, then
}the talent contest, and lastly personal interviews with each of the
}contestants. Our judges for this special competition are: Linus
}Torvalds, HAL from 2001, David Sewell, and Candice Bergen.
}
}Allright. Would each of our contestants Come on Do.. Sorry. Would
}our first contestant please come onstage.
}
}[Pamela slinks out in a mini-bikini made of sea shells. The judges
}look at her with appreciation and a sort of satisfied hum emanates
}from HAL.]
}
}Now could we have our second contestant.
}
}[Bill walks out in a French cut black one-piece swimsuit.]
}
}{Linus and David immediately avert their eyes and lean over in their
}chairs and puking sounds begin coming from their slumped forms.
}Candice faints dead away. HAL is heard to murmur "I can't do this
}Bob," and shuts itself down.}
}
}Well, it seems as though we've lost our judges for this contest and
}the whole thing will have to be declared a draw as no points had
}been awarded as of yet. Back to you Orrie.
}
}You owe the Oracle a judging team with a stronger constitution.
Date sent: Sun, 29 Dec 96 14:31:10
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hey Orrie, tell your humble servant :
> what are the best places to get a cough-attack ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}You're ex-girlfriends wedding. At a Senate hearing on the dangers of
}tobacco. At the movies during the tear-jerking finale of a "chick
}flick". At a performance of the 3 tenors when you realize the
}acoustics stink and you paid $500 for a single seat. At any press
}conference dealing with Whitewater. At home when you're asked
}whether you like the tie you got for Christmas. At the hearing when
}you learn that Delta House is being disbanded due to the members not
}making their grades, even though most of the fraternities on campus
}didn't make grades last semester. On an airplane right after that
}annoying neighbor finally shuts up and has just fallen asleep.
}
}You owe the Oracle Neidermeirs head on a platter.
Date sent: Sun, 29 Dec 96 14:31:07
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle , what will you be doing on New Year's Eve ????
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Being omniscient and prescient isn't all it's cracked up to be. Let
}me give you a little timeline of highlights that will take place for
}me on New Year's Eve:
}
}7:30 Eat dinner with Lisa at the exclusive Che Oracle.
}8:50 Arrive at black tie party for deities and their guests.
}9:23 Get nose broken trying to break up fight between Hercules and
} Thor. Those two just never seem to get along.
}10:04 Arrive at emergency room.
}11:39 See doctor for the first time.
}11:59 Doctor begins packing nostrils with cotton.
}
}I'd skip the whole thing, but it's predestined to happen so I might
}as well go through with it. Besides, Lisa would never understand if
}I tried to just spend the night in.
}
}You owe the Oracle a New Year's resolution to not try and break up
}any fights between demigods.
Date sent: Sun, 29 Dec 96 22:16:38
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle of endless possibilities,
>
> I'm bored past my eyeteeth with the "fact" that 2+2=4. So, I ask you:
> what else can it add up to?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}I'm not going to go through all of the possibilities (for they truly
}are endless), but here is a few of the more likely ones:
}
}4 / pi * pi
}12 / 3 * i * i * i * i * 1
}A really poor time (depending on your units)
}G * 36 / G / 9
}A really good time (depending on your units)
}8 / 2 / 1
}The most intriguing page in this months Field and Stream
}!(!4)
}1 + 2 + 3 + 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 + 0
}The number of wisdom teeth most people have removed
}670 - # of the Beast
}A bit more than a very large value of three
}Opening verse of a former educational Saturday morning cartoon
}A homonym for a call made on a golf course
}fo' (in ebonics)
}Number of Horsemen of the Apocalypse
}Square root of 16
}Ultimate answer to life the universe and everthing - 38
}
}You owe the Oracle a preposition that can be used to indicate the
}object, aim, or purpose of an action or activity.
Date sent: Sun, 5 Jan 97 18:48:12 +0000
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> tell me o muse of the wrath of Achilles
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Achillethe hath more than one wrath. Actually, he hath many wrath.
}These wrath are of the ordinary genuth and specieth and why he keepth
}them is anyoneth gueth. They don't do anything for him and just
}squeek and eat ath near ath I can tell.
}
}You owe the Oracle your two front teeth.
Date sent: Sun, 12 Jan 97 21:27:19
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Coffee?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}I see where this is leading. First it's just a simple cup of double
}espresso at the coffee bar and a little carefree conversation about
}the issues of the day. Then another day we meet for dinner. Oh
}sure, you claim that your intentions are just that of simple
}companionship and the chance to talk with a kindred spirit. At
}first maybe they are. But you intentionally misread the signals and
}try to take things further. I refuse. Then the late calls begin.
}The notes left on the door at night. The endless stream of letters
}filled with profanity and bile. A restraining order is issued. You
}flaunt the law and the restrictions placed on your movements by
}always showing up wherever I go. A night in jail. More angry phone
}calls. Images of a pet turned to hasenpfeffer haunt my dreams. You
}go into hiding from the law. Nothing but 'Fatal Attraction' and
}'Cape Fear' seem to be on cable. It finally ends when I have to ZOT
}you as you come screaming at Lisa with a butcher knife in your hand.
}
}Hmm... I don't have a problem with this scenario if you don't. About
}eightish then?
}
}You owe the Oracle a digital satellite hookup.
Date sent: Wed, 15 Jan 97 23:11:45
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Oracle, who probably never gets cavities, why isn't there such a
> thing as *boy*-scout cookies?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}It's a little known fact that the boy scouts did attempt to sell
}cookies door to door in the early 1950s. The reason this isn't
}widely known is that the boy scouts decided to try out a trial
}market first to test the popularity and profitibility of cookie
}sales. What happened has been covered up but here at Oracle Press
}International we know all. Here's the story:
}
}Minneapolis, MN (OPI) - In an incident that has the snack food world
}in an uproar the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) have announced a
}cessation to all cookie sales. This on the eve of talks to end the
}brutal turf war that has waged for two weeks between the girl scouts
}and the boy scouts. With this announcement virtually all
}hostilities have ceased with some minor border skirmishes still
}taking place between isolated groups of Brownies and Webeloes.
}
}"We tried to stretch our resources too thin and couldn't hold the
}territory we'd already gained," was the report coming from BSA
}commander in cookies, Warren Jeffries. "We thought we could hold on
}to some of the suburbs where we had numerical superiority, but we
}didn't count on the attrition tactics employed by the Greenies
}(Greenies being slang term for girl scouts derived from the battle
}garment worn in field). "They had no regard for human life and we
}couldn't stand under the assault. It was either withdraw or face a
}slaughter. We look at it (the withdrawal) as the humanitarian thing
}to do," quoted the previously unknown battle commander. The girl
}scouts saw it differently.
}
}"Thrifty, brave, and reverant my ass!" were the words from girl
}scout leader Angela Freedy. "Those little shits came at us with an
}air of cockiness sure that they could defeat 'the defenseless little
}girls'. They had a couple of early victories and were laughing it up
}while piling up the war crimes. They weren't laughing anymore after
}we showed them how a real soldier handles a firearm. We cleaned
}their clocks from Fridley to Chaska and we'll do it again if needed.
}As for their 'humanitarian' withdrawal, the only thing humanitarian
}about it was our not blasting their badged heinies into oblivion,"
}was the opinion of Ms. Freedy. "The cookies are now, and forever
}will be, the sole territory of the girl scouts."
}
}While the city is relieved that the battles are over, now comes the
}task of counting the cost in dollars and lives. "This tragedy won't
}soon be forgotten," said Mayor Quimby. "We have paid a heavy toll
}to see who would have the right to sell Thin Mints from door to
}door. Hopefully we've learned a lesson here that will keep tragedy
}like this from happening again."
Date sent: Sat, 18 Jan 97 17:47:22
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> OK bucko, no more ambiguous answers. What the HELL did you do with my
> vinyl collection? You better give me a straight answer this time, or I
> swear I'll flood the queue with woodchuck questions. Don't even THINK
> about it....
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}About a cord.
Date sent: Sat, 18 Jan 97 17:47:20
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> There is a poster on my wall looking down at me. On it, a blonde model
> sits cross-legged, with her feet tucked under the opposite thighs. Her
> hands rest on the floor, aslmost knitted together obscuring her ankles.
> All she is wearing is a sky-blue woollen bikini, and a bracelet on each
> wrist. Her peroxide hair cascades from dark roots to form a frame for
> most her sultry face. Her eyes are partially obscured by the hair, one
> wisp wantonly trails across her slightly parted lips. Her skin is dulled
> by the light, taking on an ashen hue, particularly the lower half. The
> top half of her torso is leaning towards the viewer.
> What does this mean? What is the photographer trying to convey? What
> does this model represent? Why is she on my wall?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}The answer should have been obvious to the most casual of observers.
}The blonde model is a manifestation of the sun god, Surya. She sits
}cross legged with her hands as they are to represent being hog tied.
}The bikini and bracelets are to evoke the feelings of nakedness and
}helplessness that are present when giving a speech before a Shriners
}convention. The dark roots in her hair emobody the darkness that
}lies in the hearts of the front line of the Pittsburgh Penguins. The
}stray wisp of hair calls to mind that free will and predestination
}can go hand in hand. Her lips are parted to deliver a shrill whistle
}that will attempt to waken the spirit of Christmas in each of us.
}The lighting is set up to bring to mind an ethereal mood that makes
}one think of Cthulu. She leans forward because it makes here breasts
}look larger. As for why the poster is on the wall, it's there
}because your mom put it there. She's trying to make you into a Surya
}worshipping, bondage hating, hockey playing, devout, giving, horror
}avoiding, heterosexual, Shriner.
}
}You owe the Oracle a Grand Unified Theory that ties it all together
}nicely.
Date sent: Sun, 19 Jan 97 18:23:46
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, who habitually associates himself with
> wild life of various sorts --
>
> What's all this monkey business ??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}[Allow the Oracle to roll back the mists of time.]
}
}The Date: 1931
}The Scene: The Hollywood Office of a Powerful Executive
}Movie Name: What is being decided
}The Players: Movie executives 1, 2, and 3
}
}E1: I still say we should call the movie Oracles on Parade.
}
}E2: I told you that won't work. How about Wily Woodchucks?
}
}E3: What's with you and all the Woodchuck references? Woodchuck,
}woodchuck, woodchuck. Would you quit with the woodchucks. Does it
}have something to do with that American N-Line cab company you own?
}
}E2: No. It's just that everyone loves woodchucks.
}
}E3: No they don't so just forget it.
}
}E2: It was just a suggestion. I know that *I* love woodchucks.
}
}E1: How about A Zotting we will go?
}
}E2: Don't give me ideas. Listen, if you two can't or won't come up
}with better ideas than this maybe it's time I found myself some new
}yes men.
}
}E1, E3: No. No. We can do better. Really.
}
}E2: See that you do. Where were we again?
}
}E1: Deciding a name for that new Marx Brother's movie.
}
}E2: Let's just call it a day. I'm drained and I've got my kids
}birthday party tonight. But I expect each of you to have a new idea
}when we reconvene tomorrow.
}
}E3: Will do chief. Just between you and me, don't put up with any
}monkey business from those kids.
}
}E2: What did you just say?
}
}E3: Nothing sir. Just a little suggestion on handling the kiddies.
}
}E2: Did I hear you say monkey business?
}
}E3: Erm... yes.
}
}E2: That's it! The animal reference works well and it applies to
}those nuts perfectly. Put yourself in for a raise.
}
}[And that is how the movie came to be called 'Horse Feathers'.]
Date sent: Fri, 24 Jan 97 00:10:09
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh All-Saving Pennypinching Oracle,
>
> I want to cut coupons, but it's just so much effort to go all the way
> through the paper. So tell me: where's the best bargain in today's rag?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}It's on page 8F in the classifieds section. Look under the heading
}labeled 'Medical Supplies' and you'll find the following ad:
}
} MUST SELL
}4-Sale. One kidney. Blood Type-A.
}Only one previous owner. Must
}move merchandise soon. Top notch
}condition. $2k OBO. 555-2644
}
}You owe the Oracle an original Urban Legend.
Date sent: Sun, 26 Jan 97 16:34:54
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most illuminated, if not illustrous --
>
> who turned out the lights ??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}The Illuminati. It's part of the worldwide conspiracy between them,
}the Tri-lateral Commission, and the mafia. These three entities are
}trying to bankrupt the big oil companies since the military
}industrial complex is the only player still in the game that has the
}clout and money to stop them from finally being able to take over the
}world.
}
}The simple act of turning out the lights creates a decrease in our
}consumption of fossil fuels. Taken to a global scale the illuminati
}are using mind control and subliminal brainwashing to make people
}everywhere to turn out their lights thereby saving energy. This will
}eventually weaken the monetary/power base of the military industrial
}complex to the point where the evil trio will seize the reins of
}government. While the Oracle isn't all that excited about keeping
}big business in control, it sure beats the alternative. So keep
}those lights on and waste electricity whenever you can.
}
}You owe the Oracle an original conspiracy theory.
Date sent: Sun, 9 Feb 97 19:49:50
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O brainy O
> O brainy O
> You are so smart
> (That you know)
>
> You are so greatt, you are so wise
> And Lisa's got some thin thighs..
>
> Dang! Now I forgot the question! What was it??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}The question you meant to ask was:
}
}How can I come up with a decent singing grovel?
}
}My answer would have been:
}
}Spend hours a day watching the musicals of Rogers and Hammerstein,
}pore over the writings of Irving Berlin, and then farm your singing
}grovels out to someone with some talent. I mean "so wise ... thin
}thighs..", who are you trying to fool? That stuff might fly at the
}Madison Avenue account agency you work for, but here at the temple
}we have higher standards.
}
}You owe the Oracle an end to ads for feminine hygiene products.
Date sent: Sat, 15 Feb 97 19:02:35
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most wise, expert on all matters of love,
> Do you have any advice for first dates on Valentine's Day?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Don't do it. Her expectations will be unrealistically high and you
}cannot come off looking like anything other than a total git. Unless
}of course you've already taken the precaution of getting a white
}horse, a suit of armor, a 80 gallon tub of cherry jello, 3 tins of
}kippers, a mime troupe, and one white chrysanthemum. If this is the
}case, then you just might be able to meet her expectations for this
}date.
}
}You owe the Oracle a less disgusting idea about how to combine the
}above items. Shame on you.
Date sent: Tue, 18 Feb 97 03:18:09
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Please great Internet Oracle, who can execute a reverse 360, blindfolded,
> one handed tomahawk jam please tell me who would win a basketball game
> between a team of 5 Borg vs. Data, C3PO, Robbie the Robot, Terminator, and
> Number 5 (You know the robot from the movie 'Short Circuit')? BTW I'll
> have money riding on your answer! (So don't blow it!) Oh and by the way
> the Robot all-star team will be coached by HAL 9000.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}As it so happens, this very game was played recently in another
}dimension. Let's just take a look at a few of the highlights from
}the play-by-play announcers, shall we?
}
}Announcer 1: This Borg team sure does seem to be communicate well on
}the court. It's as if they *know* what their teammates are going to
}do before they do it.
}
}Announcer 2: It certainly does seem that way. I've haven't seen a
}team so profficient in the no-look pass since Magic left the game.
}
}Color Robot: As much as it pains me to say this, you two are a pair
}of total cretins. The Borg have a group mind, of course they know
}what the others are thinking and can anticipate accordingly.
}
}A1: Well... That would explain a lot. But I still say it's
}reminiscent of Magic in his prime.
}
}A2: Right you are. So let's look at tonight's matchups and see who
}has the edge in this contest.
}
}A1: Well, the Borg team seems to be having some difficulties at the
}coaching position. It seems their coach has submitted a lineup
}where each player as playing each position. This can't be right.
}
}CR: Ahem. The Borg have no individual identity and one player can
}fill the role of another without pause.
}
}A1: You don't say. Well... Again, that explains a lot. Let's take
}a look at the robot lineup. What have we got?
}
}A2: The lineup certainly looks like a winner. Here's the call for
}tonight's game. Starting a center will be Robbie "Danger" Robot,
}while at the forwards we'll be seeing the "Bad to the Bone"
}Terminator and "Iceman" Data. Rounding out the lineup will be
}"Golden Boy" C3PO at the point and "Bad as I Wanna Be" Number 5 at
}the two guard spot.
}
}CR: A solid line for a solid team. These machines know how to play
}the game, but more importantly, they know how to move merchandise.
}
}A1: Right you are. You know, there's some bad blood between these
}teams and it's clear by the teams refusal to shake hands that things
}won't be any better tonight. Let's just hope that the refs take
}control early so that this game doesn't get out of hand.
}
}A2: Well it looks as though the game is about to get underway.
}Let's go to the action as the refs get ready for the opening tip.
}
}A1: The ball is up, and... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!? ... The heads of
}the entire Borg team have just .. exploded .. in a grisly .. horrible
}mess. What could cause such a catastrophe?
}
}A2: This might be a clue. The refs have called a technical foul on
}the robot's bench. I'm being handed the details now. It seems as
}though the Robot's coach, HAL, had created a Usenet Newserver in the
}Borg computing core. Apparently the task of trying to assimilate
}thousands of copies of messages asking for "NOOD G1FFS" and "WAR3Z
}DOOD" was more than the system could handle.
}
}CR: Truly remarkable. And to think we always thought the Borg could
}adapt faster than any problem could be posed.
}
}A1: Even with the technical it appears the robot team has won the
}game. Since the Borg's don't have enough players to field a lineup,
}this game ends in a forfeit. The fans won't be happy with this one.
}
}A2: Well as these teams meet again in two weeks, it should make for
}an interesting game. Until next time...
Date sent: Sun, 23 Feb 97 17:42:41
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Suddenly the Oracle finds himself in a dark theatre-house, alone. A single
> spotlight shines a small circle on the stage, where a lone microphone stands.
> Silent moments pass until a small and insignificant supplicant, in a respectful
> vestment of prostration, shuffles out into the light. His face is hidden in the
> cowl of his robe, but his pale skin is revealed when he reaches to adjust the
> microphone down a bit.
>
> SUPP: Uh. >>THUMP-THUMP<< Uh, testing? >>FEEDBACK SCREECH<< Aah! *ahem*...
> *sniff*.
>
> The supplicant takes out a small scroll and unrolls it, then begins to sing in a
> gregorian style. (To the tune of the chant of the headbanging monks from Monty
> Python's Holy Grail.)
>
> SUPP: Oh majestic mighty one,
> Who's light doth outshine our Sun,
> To your greatness I have come,
> With a question really dumb.
>
> The supplicant rolls up the little scroll and walks off the stage to the
> left. The spot follows him and stops at the edge of the stage where a
> placard announces: --The Grovel--.
>
> A huge big band sound fills the chamber as the stage is illuminated in
> brilliant spots and the curtain is swept away revealing a chorusline of
> dancing girls in shocking costumes.
>
> LINE: He's the Internet Oracle!
> He never is a boracle!
> Ain't nobody what knows moracle,
> Then that fabulous,
> Never drabulous,
> Eats King Crabulous, O-RA-CLE!
>
> Dumb questions are his choracle,
> He makes love not waracle,
> Never gets venereal soracles,
> 'Cause he's the mighty mighty,
> Wears his pants too tighty,
> Likes Lisa in a nightie, O-RA-CLE!
>
> Enter acrobats, stage left and right, doing backflips across stage. Disco
> balls lower from the ceiling and catch the spots, showering the theatre in
> little specks of light. Chorus line begins doing high kicks as the
> acrobats move into the wings.
>
> LINE: Zadoc is his personal ... ZOT STAIN!
> Orrie's got himself a ... GREAT BRAIN!
> He could really give us ... HARSH PAIN!
> But you'll never hear us ... COMPLAIN!
>
> The supplicant swings over the stage on a wire dressed like a cherub.
>
> SUPP: 'Cause he's so wonderful,
> We could go on and onderful,
> 'Cause he's the ponderful,
>
> Acrobats reenter and everyone begins singing together as the music swells
> to a powerful crescendo.
>
> ALL: ORRRRRRRR- AHHHHHHHHH -CLLLLLLLLE!
>
> The band begins playing the theme from 2001 (Also Sprach Zarathustra) as a
> giant moon-roof in the theatre opens revealing an incredible fireworks
> display with which the pounding drums keep time. A skywriter has written
> the phrase "Oracle most wise, please tell me" in the sky with glowing green neon
> gas, and then proceeds to parachute out of the plane, swoop in through the
> moon-roof and land on the stage. The parachutist salutes the Oracle, and
> gathers up her chute as the curtain closes and the spots wink out save one.
> This sole spot follows her offstage to the left and stops at the placard which
> now reads: --The Question--.
>
> The spot goes out, and another lights the microphone as before. The
> supplicant emerges from behind the curtain, again wearing his robe, and
> takes the microphone.
>
> SUPP: [speaking normally] Oh great Oracle, please tell -e, -hy does it
> always seem tha- ... -en I go to- ... -or cheese and scones, the tur-- ...
> --ation, um...
>
> Supplicant begins tapping microphone.
>
> SUPP: --ello? Testing one, t-- ... --ee? [looks around] Can I get some
> help here? [begins futzing with the mic] Hell-- ... --esting test-- ...
> [becomes agitated] ... --is stupid micro-- ... --ucking son of a-- ...
> --ought this piece of sh--
>
> Supplicant begins struggling to untangle the microphone chord, promptly
> gets himself knotted up in it and falls screaming off the stage to land
> among the drums and cymbals with a great clatter. The parachutist comes
> back onstage dressed in an expensive suit, wearing sunglasses, and carrying a
> clipboard. She looks down at the mess and shakes her head with a sigh,
> scribbles something on the clipboard, and looks up.
>
> PARA: Okay people that's a wrap! We lost this one... let's go, we're
> renting this hall by the hour. [she looks toward the Oracle] It went great
> during rehearsal, really.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}The Oracle having sat calmly through the spectacle with the faintest
}whisper of a smile gracing his lips, now leans slowly forward. His
}zotting staff stands next to him, but he pays it not the slightest
}attention.
}
}Sensing that something is happening, the band, which had been rather
}noisily putting away their musical instruments, slowly halts their
}actions and stands nervously still, a few hands nervously clutching
}at voluminous robes.
}
}Acrobats and chorus girls begin shuffling towards the backstage exit,
}but at a slight frown from the Oracle, the group stops in place.
}Frequent glances towards the red EXIT sign that stands ever so near
}reveal the fear that permeates the performers.
}
}The parachutist, a bubble of calm in the cauldron of fear that the
}Oracle has stewed, has proceded to the edge of the stage and stands
}pondering the supplicant who appears to attempting to extricate a
}leg still stuck in a kettle drum. A faint 'tsk tsking' is comimg
}from her lips. She looks at the Oracle and says, "We could always
}try again tomorrow. It would be a terrible shame to let all of that
}practice go to waste."
}
}"No Lisa. I liked this attempt just fine. Are you sure you can say
}that this isn't how I wanted this show to turn out?"
]
}"But the spectacle. The pageantry. The sheer enormity of this
}project would have made for the greatest question ever! Instead we
}have a supplicant made to look like a fool with ... I see."
}
]"I thought you would. Shall we?" and the Oracle escorts Lisa from
}the scene on his arm.
}
}You owe the Oracle a decent half-time show for next year's Superbowl.
Date sent: Sun, 23 Feb 97 17:42:43
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O most smartest and wisest and all that good stuff:
>
> How can I train myself to rub my stomach and pat my head at the same time?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Apparently the late night TV spots aren't being seen by the target
}audience. Here at Oracle Enterprises we have a whole series of video
}tapes that will help you achieve the desired results in no time.
}Whatever the difficult task is that you want to learn, we have the
}material that will put you on the track to mastering it. The
}particular video you are interested in, Patting and Rubbing in
}Minutes, outlines an easy 8 step program that gets you there in just
}4 to 6 weeks! Here's a few highlights from the program:
}
}1- Chewing gum without biting your tongue.
}2- Walking, a beginners guide to locomotion.
}3- Walking and chewing gum, you're half way there!
}4- Head patting, don't forget to empty your hands.
}5- The stomach. Just rub the abdominals. Intestines are a turn off.
}6- Rubbing the stomach.
}7- Rubbing the stomach with the other hand on top of the head.
}8- Rubbing and patting. You've done it!
}
}This particular video series can be yours for the low low cost of
}only $19.95. But that's not all. Order yours today and you will
}receive a handsome backscratcher absolutely free!
}
}You owe the Oracle shipping and handling charges and a better show on
}which to advertise.
Date sent: Fri, 4 Apr 97 20:55:49
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Most Wise and Knowlegeable Oracle!
>
> Please tell me which is better. I have just graduated college. Should I get
> a job and move into my own apartment, or stay unemployed and live with my
> parents? Any insights will be helpful.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Are those all your options? Of course not foolish supplicant.
}There are millions of ... , are these your real grades? Perhaps
}there aren't quite that many things you can do.
}
}Well, there are still thousands of ... , you have a degree in
}paranormal euclidian history? Well we can certainly find you other
}options besides these bare two.
}
}Why there are dozens of ... , you took 9 years getting your degree
}and have student loans totaling 68 thousand dollars? I see.
}
}The choice is simple supplicant. Don't pick either of the choices
}you've already thought of. Stay in school and get an advanced
}degree because you'll be a natural as a professor some day.
}
}You owe the Oracle a 1000 word summary on the ways that paranormal
}euclidian history has influenced ISO 9000 initiatives. This should
}also prove to be a good start on your thesis.
Date sent: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 20:06:14
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh webby Oracle --
>
> There's WebRadio, there's WebTV. Where, tho, do I find
> what I'm really looking for - a WebWashingMachine ??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}C'mon down pardner to The Oracle Outlet where you can find pert near
}most any web related product. We got Webgadgets, we got Webgizmos,
}and we even have Webthingamajigs. Yesiree, whatever it is you might
}be looking for we have it hear at The Oracle Outlet. We won't be
}undersold.
}
}What was that you was looking for supplicant? Did I hear you say
}you was looking for something along the lines of a
}WebWashingMachine? I spoze you're looking to clean up some of
}those dirty pages. Get it son? WashingMachine .. dirty
}pages .. ya see what I'm getting at? It was a joke son, a joke.
}
}Ah, hear we are. A WebWashingMachine. Guaranteed to give you a
}great surfing experience while getting your whites whiter, your
}brights brighter, and also keeping Java applets at their javiest.
}Here at The Oracle Outlet we're so sure that you're going to love
}your purchase that if by some weird stroke of fate your prodcut were
}to ever need service, we'll give you 10% off of that first service
}call. No strings attached.
}
}So whaddya say boy? This baby will pay for itself in no time. Why
}you're losing money every second that you don't own a WWM. How's
}about it? You can take this baby home today if you're willing to
}sign right here.
}
}You owe the Oracle 48 easy payments of $59.95.
Date sent: Sun, 13 Apr 1997 15:43:07
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wonderous Oracle, most sublime,
> Answer your supplicant who's slow of mind:
>
> Would he wear a pinky ring?
> Would he drive a fancy car?
> Would his wife wear pearls and diamonds?
> Would his dressing room have a star?
> If he came back today, there's something I'd like to know,
> Would Jesus wear a Rolex on his television show?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Slow of mind thou surely art
}With this answer I dearly part
}Your rhyme, your meter, your very premise
}Is without hope. It made me grimace
}
}Who is the 'he' in your plea
}What are you trying to ask of me?
}Is 'he' Jesus come back to life?
}But really, now, with a wife?
}
}Is 'he' some other on your burner?
}Do you speak perhaps of Daniel Thurner?
}That question I answered some time ago
}Go search the archives if that be so
}
}But if about Jesus you want to know
}Answer I will, but then you must go
}Go you must to seek my price
}A little something to feed my vice
}
}Now for the pinky ring, the fancy car
}The precious jewels, the shiny star
}These gaudy things he would not wear
}No pointy star would festoon his lair
}
}There would be no Rolex, no car, no boat
}There would be no items for him to tote
}This next time around won't be so easy
}What you've got coming makes me queasy
}
}Go read Revelations if you want the score
}About this topic I will say no more
}Now the payment, the price, that I do ask
}Is some aged Amontillado, make it a cask.
Date sent: Sun, 4 May 1997 21:18:34
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle-
>
> I think I going to cry.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Cheer up. With a some serious time studying, a bit of hard work, and
}a whole lot of luck you will pass that english test. I know these
}things.
}
}You owe the Oracle the name of James Bonds' boss.
Date sent: Tue, 6 May 1997 17:37:15
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Hmm... Not quite the null question but pretty close. Also no
}grovel, but then again, you really don't expect a grovel with the
}null question. There's only one way to determine how to answer this
}question. The Oracle Answer Wheel!
}
}Oracle: Zadoc! Bring in the Wheel.
}
}[Zadoc wheels in a large pegged rotating wheel.]
}
}
}
} L
} O
} N
} T G T
} O O
} P P M
} O R
} 1 E A
} 0 M M
}
} LISA/ORACLE BYPLAY + ZADOC/ORACLE CHAT
}
}
} N C
} E * R
} V * U
} A Z I
} R O S
} T E
} *
} *
}
}
}Zadoc: Master. Might I ask you a question concerning the wheel?
}
}O: As long as it doesn't involve why the wheel only makes sense when
}viewed from a certain angle.
}
}Z: Never mind master.
}
}[The Oracle spins the wheel while Zadoc yells in the background "Big
}Money. C'mon, Big Money".]
}
}O: Hmm.. The wheel seems to have stopped on Cruise. How fortuitous.
}I believe that now makes 47 in a row for Cruise. I suppose that's
}okay as I was feeling in the need of a break. See that all the
}preparations are made.
}
}Z: Yes master.
}
}[Zadoc typing: 'Dear supplicant. The Oracle is on vacation and can't
}be bothered with your question. Please write back in two weeks when
}the Oracle is expected to again be available.']
}
}You owe the Oracle a premium margarita sent to the Lido deck.
Date sent: Fri, 9 May 97 23:22:25
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities
> and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become
> a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide
> respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are
> renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists,
> and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees
> and are far superior to the competition's...
>
> Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}No. Motivation is fine but competition is for the birds.
}
}You owe the Oracle a Monopoly Board equipped with weighted dice.
Date sent: Sat, 10 May 97 12:49:47
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Tim was enthusiastically explaining his latest computer science research
> project. 'I am trying to get Stephan to explain his requirements gathering
> heuristics to me.'
>
> 'Presumably so you can put out of a job with some CASE tool', I ventured,
> only half joking.
>
> Tim stopped for a half second. 'Yes... hmmm. But the really interesting
> thing is that any given set of requirements is usually self inconsistent.
> For example, users want a cheap system that has lots of functionality. Or
> they want high performance on inexpensive hardware.'
>
> My brow furrowed, 'So you have to make compromises - we do that all the time.'
>
> 'And traditional computer systems cannot deal with this kind of thing. But
> its no problem for me. I have a Multiple Worlds Reasoning Engine.' And with
> a flourish, Tim pulled a small, flat package from his coat pocket.
>
> It was navy blue with yellow trim. About the size of a personal organiser,
> and had 'MWRE' stamped in gold leaf capitals in the bottom right hand corner.
>
> He flipped it open, it hummed with loud static for a few seconds before
> settling. 'Still takes a few seconds for the captive eigen vectors to
> converge on our reality', he muttered.
>
> There was an animated enthusiasm to his face. 'Now, let me show you how it
> works...'
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}but first, a little song and dance!
}
}Biggie Biggie Biggie can't you see
}Sometimes your words just hypno-
}
}[The Oracle appears with a bright flash and clouds of billowing
}smoke]
}
}Hold it! Stop that right now! That's not a song. That's rap. Zeus
}only knows how patient I've been with you addle minded supplicants.
}You can write long stories without the hint of a question and I won't
}bat an eye. You can make up whatever sort of vacation fiascos that
}your feverish brain might concoct, and I won't really care. You can
}invent weird love triangles involving Zadoc, Lisa, and I, and I
}allow them to go by unchallenged. But the second that you start
}referring to that rap crap as music, there I have to draw the line.
}
}*ZOT*
}
}You owe the Oracle an inexpensive yet powerful computing system.
Date sent: Sat, 10 May 97 17:01:45
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> OhOraclemostwise,wherehaveallthespacesgone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}T h e y a r e g o n e f o r e v e r y o u f o o l i s h
}s u p p l i c a n t . T h e y a r e o u t s e e k i n g
}a b e t t e r h o m e t o s e r v e o n e m o r e
}w o r t h y o f t h e i r e f f o r t s . W h e r e
}t h i s m i g h t b e I d o n o t a s y e t
}k n o w ( a l t h o u g h w e m i g h t m a k e
}a r e l i a b l y a c c u r a t e g u e s s ) .
}
}Y o u o w e t h e O r a c l e a w o r d
}t h a t d e s c r i b e s t h i s t y p e
}o f w e i r d j u s t i f i c a t i o n .
Date sent: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 11:02:52
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> The Surgeon General has reported that being evil has been found to cause
> bad karma in laboratory rats. Can you comment?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}The study in question, "A case study, Malevolence and it's
}Correlation to Karmic Objectivism in Mammals", is a work of great
}controversy. While many argue that the pure evil that the rats were
}exposed to caused them suffer a series of fatal mishaps, the fact of
}the matter is that conclusion is a bunch of woodchuck droppings.
}What actually happened is that the rats committed suicide rather
}than be subjected one second longer to the source of the evil. You
}try exposing yourself to continuous re-runs of the Jerry Springer
}Show and see what you do.
}
}You owe the Oracle a peek into the real Al Capone's vault.
Date sent: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 11:02:52
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle, whos knowlege of thanatology is
> greater than charon's...
> You've died, and have had your body frozen for later
> re-animation. In the meantime, you've been re-incarnated as someone else.
> What happens when your frozen body is re-animated?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}You get to resume that 80 year old grudge you have with Wesley Snipes
}and fight it out on the street's of LA. No one will notice that you
}don't have a soul, personality, or acting ability.
}
}You owe the Oracle a copy of Blue Oyster Cult's, Agents of Fortune.
Date sent: Sun, 1 Jun 97 18:34:30
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Please, oh greatest of oracles tell me.
> I've had strange visions during the night whenever I wake up. Some of
> them would seem to predict a possible future. Tell me, is it possible
> for a mere mortal, like me to glimpse the future.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Allow me couch my reply in the proper language:
}
}When twixt the eight trumpets of the heavens
}The whelp of the grimalkin entreats its progenitor
}And the woodchuck baits it's fury in the burlesque
}While round yon stanchion the ibex doth pirouette
}Then shall thou knowest in the flesh of thy bones
}That this text makes no sense.
}
}Or more simply put, no.
}
}You owe the Oracle the complete works of Husker Du.
Date sent: Sun, 1 Jun 97 20:05:41
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> --Boundary (ID dfsnbjIU3vOQ/EFJWxHwrA)
> Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
>
> Oh wise oracle!
> Pelease tell me, how do you think about clsoinosing
> relationsfreinirendschips ove r nerr newspapers?
> I´ve answered some anoonnoujccesnces, and so iI ask you,
> what will the next future bring?
> --Boundary (ID dfsnbjIU3vOQ/EFJWxHwrA)--
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}The Oracle knows all but divulges very little. What will the future
}bring for you? Well I'm feeling magnamanious and will give you a
}hint of what your future holds.
}
}July 4, 1997 - There will be cascade of lights across the night sky
}and thunderous explosions will shake the very earth. Hide as they
}are "OMINOUS PORTENTS OF DOOM".
}
}September 1, 1997 - The streets will be strangely quiet and the
}banks will be closed. No mail will be delivered. Hide as these are
}"OMINOUS PORTENTS OF DOOM".
}
}October 31, 1997 - The streets will be filled with eerily clad shapes
}that drift from home to home asking for 'treats'. You had best hide
}because this is an "OMINOUS PORTENT OF DOOM".
}
}November 27, 1997 - Again the streets will be strangely quiet. Many
}people will be drawn indoors to watch cheering crowds as 22 lions
}and bears battle inside of a huge cage. Strange music will fill the
}stores and red and white canes of huge proportions will spring forth
}seemingly overnight. Once again you had best hide as these are
}"OMINOUS PORTENTS OF DOOM".
}
}Sorry but the future just isn't looking too bright for you. All of
}the portents will culminate in a strange visitation on December 25th
}of this year. It's enough for you to know that you won't have any
}more concerns after this date. Try not to worry too much about it,
}there's nothing you can do.
}
}You owe the Oracle a couple more three day weekends.
Date sent: Sat, 21 Jun 97 01:14:33
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why did the deli put tomato on my sandwich, when I specifically asked them
> to leave it off?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Because they were all out of the onion that you had also asked them
}to leave off.
}
}You owe the Oracle a steakburger without mustard.
Date sent: Sat, 21 Jun 97 01:14:33
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}He wore green
}It was blue
}I wasn't mean
}That's not true
}
}Ah yes, I remember it well.
}
}There was brimstone
}It was sulfur
}Talked on the phone
}You did not sir!
}
}Ah yes, I remember it well.
}
}We saw Zadoc
}I don't think so
}I yelled Hey Doc
}He was a no show
}
}Ah yes, I remember it well.
}
}We walked along
}There was a hearse
}I sang a song
}Not even a verse!
}
}Ah yes, I remember it well.
}
}It ended too soon
}Is this a jest?
}Out by the dune
}You're such a pest
}
}Ah yes, I remember it well.
}
}We danced til dawn
}I left at ten
}Upon the lawn
}That wretched fen?
}
}Ah yes, I remember it well.
}
}Just one more drink
}You've had enough
}Ralph in the sink
}You weren't so tough
}
}Unfortunately, I remember it too well.
Date sent: Sat, 21 Jun 97 01:14:30
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I know all about Bandwidth. Now how about all the other parameters,
> like Bandheight, Bandlength, Bandsize, Bandlocation, Bandcolour,
> Bandtranslucency, etc.?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}What's the sound a frozen cat makes when you run it through a
}bandsaw?
}
}Meeeoooooowwwwwww!
}
}I heard that one from Mephistopheles the other day and I've been
}waiting for just the right occasion to pass it along. So where were
}we? You want to learn more about Bandheight, Bandlength, Bandsize,
}Bandlocation, Bandcolour, and Bandtranslucency? I presume you don't
}care about Bandvolume, Bandlumens, Bandweight, or Bandwagons? Your
}choice. As it turns out, AOL has bought the exclusive rights to use
}the parameters you enquired upon as well as the parameters
}Bandgrade, Bandstream, and Bandtexture. If you want to find out the
}answer to your question you're going to have to ask the AOL Oracle
}which runs $2.95 per question, with no guarantee of an answer. As
}it is, I don't think you'll care for the results.
}
}You owe the Oracle some extra Banddepth.
Date sent: Sat, 21 Jun 97 02:26:15
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Robust and year 2000 compliant oracle,
> please tell me.
>
> "What is the meaning of corduroy
> trousers? Are they retro and cool, or
> retro and sad?"
>
> Two hundred pairs are yours for one
> answer, ten pairs of jeans for the
> other!
>
> Thanks in humbleness!
>
> Mortal
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Being the omniscient being that I am, I see the many levels of your
}question. The obvious answer would be to quote the words of
}Jean-paul Sartre when he said:
}
}"Every age has its own poetry; in every age the circumstances of
}history choose a nation, a race, a class to take up the torch by
}creating situations that can be expressed or transcended only
}through poetry."
}
}The poetry of the generation in question can best be summed up in
}corduroy pants. The generation is that in which the behemoth known
}as Ignatius J. Reilly roamed the French Quarter of New Orleans in
}his quest to free the denizens of Levy Pants from their bondage.
}
}But again, this pat answer is just too obvious. The generation of
}which you truly speak is that of Eleanor Roosevelt, the most retro
}and cool person of this or any generation. Hers is the lone voice
}of reason in this moral wasteland we call the internet.
}
}So to answer your question supplicant, "Hell is other people."
}
}You owe the Oracle ten pair of non-relaxed fit jeans.
Date sent: Sat, 21 Jun 97 13:05:38
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Now the Love Shack, is a little place where, we can ...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}join our convoy - nothing's gonna get in our way. We're going to
}roll this trucking convoy across the USA. CONVOY!
}
}You owe the Oracle a great big car that's as big as a whale and a
}promise to never sing ANY of the song Mandy in my presence.
Date sent: Sat, 21 Jun 97 13:05:36
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> % man michelle
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}Michelle(1)
}
}NAME
} michelle - Temptress and enchantress module for the Internet Oracle
}
}SYNTAX
} michelle [-epst]
}
}DESCRIPTION
} Michelle is the commonly used name for a new personage often
} associated with the Internet (formerly Usenet) Oracle. This
} person is used in a large variety of ways, the most common
} being as a girlfriend/mate of the previously mentioned Oracle.
}
} COMMANDS
} There are no commands which can be issued to Michelle which
} cannot be blithely ignored. Some commands are known to produce
} results the exact opposite of what was intended so caution
} is recommended when using Michelle.
}
} OPTIONS
}
} -e enchantress mode. Will use femine wiles routine to befuddle
} and confuse the Oracle and/or Zadoc.
}
} -p priestess mode. (formerly -d, backward compatibility
} with previous versions has been retained.) Places Michelle
} in Deity mode allowing her to answer questions submitted
} to the Oracle.
}
} -s seductress mode. Variation of enchantress mode.
}
} -t temptress mode. Second variation of enchantress mode.
}
}RESTRICTIONS
} Michelle may be used in Oracularities without restriction.
} Attempts to use Michelle in an improper manner can cause the entire
} system to crash.
}
}KNOWN BUGS
} Known to react negatively (core) if Lisa is running in the
} background.
}
}SEE ALSO
} lisa(1), oracle(1), zadoc(1)
If you'd like to learn more about the Oracle check out the Internet Oracle Resource Index
There is also a page devoted to various personal Oracle collections
If you are so inclined you can return to my Homepage
