May 1996
I suppose if I had to choose the poem which I enjoy performing the most then it would have to be this one. ... And, as with everything I write, "The Tenth Life of Alice's Cat" is based on a true story.
The "Alice" in question is a very good friend of mine who lives in one of England's great old southern seaside resorts .. in a house that is home to a vertitable menagerie of animals plus, until recently, a coterie of lodgers too. The lodgers have gone now, to make room for someone special in her life .. but it was one of the last, a post graduate chemistry student from the nearby university, who made the observation which inspired this piece of poetic fun.
A few months previously, Alice had buried her pet cat .. Oscar .. after the animal had passed away from old age (much to the relief of her dog I should add). Oscar had held court in Alice's house for a feline lifetime .. and I was among the many who missed him. .. Not because he was all that friendly towards me, mind you .. for he was aloof to the point of rudeness. .. No, it was just something about his self confidence that inspired a sort of grudging admiration.
Anyway, to get to the point, it was about six months after Oscar's death that the new lodger (who'd never seen him) described in perfect detail the apparition she'd just seen in the kitchen. In turn this emboldened the other lodgers to speak up and admit that they, too, had seen the ghost of Oscar .. always in the same place .. lurking near the fridge. We can only presume that he hadn't yet found anyone naïve enough to feed him yet on the spirit side.
But, I ask you, is that greed or is that GREED ? Not content with eight more lives than the average human being, it struck me that Oscar was in danger of overstepping the mark just a little if he planned on a tenth performance, in the spirit world. There comes a point, surely, when cat and human alike have to make way for others.
So there was the titlle and the inspiration. The rest, of course, is poetry.
The first thing that strikes about Alice's cat Is not Oscar's colour, Oh no, it's not that... For there's nothing remarkable in black and white fur And his tail and his whiskers would not cause a stir ...At least, if it wasn't for one awkward fact And I'm struggling to find how to put this with tact And clearly you might think that I'm being unfair But Oscar, you see, should not really be there The cat that you see down there by the shopping Does not think that death's a good reason for stopping The love he's pursued now for nine live's already Which is to make sure that there's fish in his belly And so if you see him, apply the house rule Be firm and make sure he can see you're no fool For dead cats must learn there's a way to behave If they can't be content to just lie in their grave Be cool and repeat this unwavering refrain (But do it alone, or they'll think you're insane) "You're not getting fed, So just stop that miaowing You've had your nine chances to practice devouring A tenth strikes us all as a little bit greedy And frankly the living are slightly more needy Get back in the hole which we dug 'neath the tree Or your mistress *will* stuff you .. with kapok, you'll see"
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